WEBVTT
1
00:00:38.979 --> 00:00:41.740
Hello, welcome to Stay at Home Widow, the podcast where
2
00:00:41.759 --> 00:00:45.179
two lifelong friends talk about rebuilding our lives after the
3
00:00:45.219 --> 00:00:48.460
sudden and unexpected deaths of our husbands and maneuvering the
4
00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:53.890
fuckery of grief. We are Charmaine and LaVonna. And before
5
00:00:53.929 --> 00:00:56.310
we get started, I have a little disclaimer. I feel
6
00:00:56.329 --> 00:00:58.590
like I need to say every episode just in case.
7
00:00:59.590 --> 00:01:02.710
We are widows speaking from our own lived experiences. We
8
00:01:02.750 --> 00:01:07.140
are not therapists, life coaches, medical professionals, or grief experts.
9
00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:10.799
Anything that sounds like advice is simply us sharing what
10
00:01:10.859 --> 00:01:12.659
has worked for us and what has not worked for
11
00:01:12.739 --> 00:01:15.780
us and what we are still learning. Everyone's grief is
12
00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:18.450
different and nothing we say is meant to be taken
13
00:01:18.510 --> 00:01:26.150
for absolute fact for every grief experience. Hello, everybody. Last week,
14
00:01:27.390 --> 00:01:30.189
we dropped our first episode of Stay at Home Widow,
15
00:01:30.370 --> 00:01:33.980
which was actually recorded two months ago. Oops, sorry that
16
00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:36.640
I took so long to get through that edit. Totally fine.
17
00:01:37.620 --> 00:01:40.540
But we are planning to release one episode a month
18
00:01:40.700 --> 00:01:43.879
on the first Wednesday of every month. And last week,
19
00:01:43.900 --> 00:01:48.239
we dropped that first episode to kind of introduce what
20
00:01:48.260 --> 00:01:50.609
we're doing and actually just kind of get a feel
21
00:01:50.670 --> 00:01:53.989
for it ourselves. For those of you that don't know us,
22
00:01:54.370 --> 00:01:59.069
I am Charmaine Fury. I am a podcaster. I've been
23
00:01:59.109 --> 00:02:03.810
a podcaster since 2018. My first show Militantly Mixed was
24
00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:07.859
an award-winning show, and I just recently retired it in August,
25
00:02:08.039 --> 00:02:11.439
this August of 2026. And I'm just ready to kind
26
00:02:11.479 --> 00:02:14.400
of focus more in what's kind of happening in my
27
00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:18.300
life now, which is grief and being a widow. And
28
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.400
LaVonna and I have been friends since we were 10
29
00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:23.960
and 11. And LaVonna, you didn't get to introduce yourself
30
00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:28.879
last time because I just talked us right into our conversation.
31
00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:31.259
So why don't you tell everybody a little bit about yourself?
32
00:02:31.719 --> 00:02:34.259
Sure. Literally just a little bit. Um, my name is
33
00:02:34.300 --> 00:02:35.139
LaVonna Radford.
34
00:02:35.879 --> 00:02:39.599
I am on social media as the Vaughniverse on my
35
00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:42.699
TikToks and on my social medias. Uh, I lost my
36
00:02:42.740 --> 00:02:46.719
husband almost two years ago. Um, like Charmaine said, we've
37
00:02:46.740 --> 00:02:49.900
been friends for a very long time. Um, grief has
38
00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:52.020
kind of brought us together in a very interesting way. Um,
39
00:02:52.939 --> 00:02:56.819
my background work wise is more like I work with children.
40
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:59.750
I will work with social services. I work with insurance.
41
00:03:00.689 --> 00:03:05.370
Um, those things impact my grief experience greatly.
42
00:03:06.310 --> 00:03:08.520
I'm a mother, a.
43
00:03:10.219 --> 00:03:15.860
Bunch of other demographics, but mostly really here to let
44
00:03:15.939 --> 00:03:18.900
what's inside of me come out of me. Yeah.
45
00:03:19.340 --> 00:03:20.319
LaVonna, Vaughniverse.
46
00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:23.500
We're trying to unstick ourselves, which is a part of
47
00:03:23.539 --> 00:03:27.379
a conversation that we've had a few times now in
48
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:31.500
our grief that we're both very creative people. We're usually
49
00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:35.469
fairly active people. We don't really have gaps in our
50
00:03:35.689 --> 00:03:39.629
professional lives very much either. And now that we're going
51
00:03:39.650 --> 00:03:42.449
through what we're going through, we're kind of both experiencing
52
00:03:42.469 --> 00:03:47.949
a dimming of creativity or at least a difficulty getting there,
53
00:03:49.150 --> 00:03:54.939
gaps in our professional work as well. And I really
54
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.419
believe that if I use Militantly Mixed as a model,
55
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:00.650
of why I started it and what it did for
56
00:04:00.669 --> 00:04:03.150
me over the last eight years. I feel like that
57
00:04:03.229 --> 00:04:06.310
is a possibility here for a stay at home widow
58
00:04:06.370 --> 00:04:09.849
for both of us. I started militantly mixed because I
59
00:04:10.030 --> 00:04:13.460
lacked mixed community as an adult, which was so weird
60
00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:15.800
to me because I have two biracial parents. All my
61
00:04:15.860 --> 00:04:17.879
aunts and uncles are mixed. All my cousins are mixed.
62
00:04:19.180 --> 00:04:23.550
And we also grew up around military families. So everybody,
63
00:04:23.850 --> 00:04:24.949
everybody was mixed.
64
00:04:25.170 --> 00:04:25.790
Yeah.
65
00:04:26.029 --> 00:04:29.050
And, um, And so like Sean Bay and I used
66
00:04:29.069 --> 00:04:30.829
to talk about that all the time on Blurred Comics.
67
00:04:30.850 --> 00:04:33.410
We're just like, man, we only pretty much knew mixed
68
00:04:33.430 --> 00:04:35.990
people growing up. And then all of a sudden, you know,
69
00:04:36.009 --> 00:04:39.009
we're adults and where are they? So I started that
70
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:43.100
show just to kind of meet mixed friends and shit.
71
00:04:43.699 --> 00:04:46.939
And eight years later, it's an award-winning podcast. I have
72
00:04:46.980 --> 00:04:50.939
a global network of cousins. I have literally visited people
73
00:04:50.980 --> 00:04:53.779
that I've met on the show in the UK and
74
00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:56.870
in Korea and And I have had other trips planned
75
00:04:56.889 --> 00:05:00.750
into the countries. Some haven't happened yet, but will have
76
00:05:00.769 --> 00:05:03.029
met people all over the country. And so I have
77
00:05:03.069 --> 00:05:06.379
like a really strong foundation of community and mixedness now
78
00:05:06.600 --> 00:05:09.540
that I didn't have before I started that show. And
79
00:05:10.439 --> 00:05:12.279
not only was it helpful to me and everything I
80
00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:15.360
was going through at the time I started, it has spread.
81
00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:18.970
Other people are affected by it. even especially since I
82
00:05:19.009 --> 00:05:21.439
retired it, a lot of the messages I've been receiving
83
00:05:21.509 --> 00:05:23.639
is about how it helped them over the years and
84
00:05:23.660 --> 00:05:26.800
how they can take what they heard, what they learned and,
85
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:31.740
and push that forward in their lives. So, I mean, honestly, again, selfishly,
86
00:05:31.939 --> 00:05:35.199
I'm wanting to do this to recreate what I did
87
00:05:35.500 --> 00:05:39.370
in my life for mixedness with grief and what it's
88
00:05:39.410 --> 00:05:44.399
like to, to experience, um, partner loss in particular, although,
89
00:05:44.420 --> 00:05:46.300
and we're going to, we're going to get into part
90
00:05:46.339 --> 00:05:49.459
of this as part of our opening topic. I really
91
00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:52.730
believe that while we are coming at the show as widows,
92
00:05:54.810 --> 00:05:56.069
what we're going to talk about is going to have
93
00:05:56.129 --> 00:05:59.350
applications for other grievers. And I've already heard comments. And
94
00:05:59.370 --> 00:06:01.910
I think you have two of people who've said like,
95
00:06:02.089 --> 00:06:04.889
you know, I didn't lose a partner, but you know,
96
00:06:05.290 --> 00:06:06.790
stuff that you guys talked about last week.
97
00:06:07.509 --> 00:06:07.750
Yeah.
98
00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:15.019
So on this first episode, I think we wanted to
99
00:06:15.050 --> 00:06:20.329
kind of start off checking in and debriefing on our
100
00:06:20.389 --> 00:06:23.230
experience of the last week because we recorded that two
101
00:06:23.269 --> 00:06:27.990
months ago. It took so long for me to get
102
00:06:28.009 --> 00:06:30.269
through the edit, I think, because I was approaching it
103
00:06:30.310 --> 00:06:33.889
like a regular ass podcast and not realizing like the
104
00:06:34.149 --> 00:06:40.310
extra emotional difficulty is literally watching me grieve while trying
105
00:06:40.350 --> 00:06:45.120
to cut it. And that was... no, that didn't work.
106
00:06:45.139 --> 00:06:48.000
I was also trying to edit during the day and
107
00:06:48.050 --> 00:06:51.230
for some reason that wasn't working. So once I finally
108
00:06:52.269 --> 00:06:54.449
did it, it was kind of really late at night
109
00:06:54.490 --> 00:06:57.490
when no one was outside. I couldn't hear people walking
110
00:06:57.550 --> 00:06:59.769
around and I really was able to push through it
111
00:06:59.850 --> 00:07:02.009
and we were able to finally release it last week.
112
00:07:02.620 --> 00:07:09.779
So this being your first foray into podcasting and you're
113
00:07:09.819 --> 00:07:14.339
jumping in on a very emotional and vulnerable topic, uh,
114
00:07:14.879 --> 00:07:17.980
what has it been like for you since the release,
115
00:07:18.379 --> 00:07:23.279
both like you releasing and seeing it happen, but, but
116
00:07:23.339 --> 00:07:25.079
also the reception that you've received from it?
117
00:07:27.579 --> 00:07:31.209
Um, the release of it was kind of like, it
118
00:07:31.250 --> 00:07:33.430
made me curious. I'm like, Oh, okay.
119
00:07:33.449 --> 00:07:35.990
So that's what that's like to put your feelings out
120
00:07:36.029 --> 00:07:39.629
there in front of everyone to experience like a real
121
00:07:39.670 --> 00:07:40.930
vulnerability challenge.
122
00:07:41.490 --> 00:07:41.769
Yeah.
123
00:07:41.970 --> 00:07:45.269
Um, I wasn't as afraid as I thought I would be,
124
00:07:45.410 --> 00:07:54.279
but I don't really like inviting people into my heart
125
00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:57.300
and feelings like that. But this experience cracked me open
126
00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:01.779
with nowhere really to go. And so I'm literally being brave.
127
00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:04.319
Like there's no other way to put it. So I'm
128
00:08:04.339 --> 00:08:07.040
being brave. Like I'm actively choosing bravery.
129
00:08:07.060 --> 00:08:10.759
That's funny because I view it completely different. I completely
130
00:08:10.790 --> 00:08:13.449
feel like it's not brave. It's just can't, I can't
131
00:08:13.569 --> 00:08:16.449
cork the bottle. So for me, I don't feel like
132
00:08:16.490 --> 00:08:18.069
I'm being brave. I just feel like I'm being a
133
00:08:18.110 --> 00:08:20.709
bitch that can't keep it back in my face. Do
134
00:08:20.730 --> 00:08:23.949
you remember that cartoon? The, like the black cop that
135
00:08:24.129 --> 00:08:26.129
has a tear and then he like sucks it back
136
00:08:26.209 --> 00:08:27.180
up into his eye.
137
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:29.079
I don't know what that's from, but I know, I
138
00:08:29.079 --> 00:08:29.839
know what you're talking about.
139
00:08:29.860 --> 00:08:32.039
Like, don't you dare get your back up there.
140
00:08:32.519 --> 00:08:35.820
That's my whole vibe. Like it's always been my thing. And, um,
141
00:08:37.340 --> 00:08:40.820
podcasting had already kind of cracked me open in terms
142
00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:42.850
of being a little bit more vulnerable and a little
143
00:08:42.870 --> 00:08:49.389
bit more accessible, I guess. But this is a different
144
00:08:49.429 --> 00:08:52.190
fucking story. Like I don't want to tell all those people,
145
00:08:52.710 --> 00:08:54.090
I don't want to tell all this shit to people.
146
00:08:54.169 --> 00:08:57.259
And yet I don't, it just fucking comes out. Like
147
00:08:57.600 --> 00:09:01.179
sometimes I have to, yeah, you have to, I was,
148
00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:05.259
I didn't tell you this yet, but I, I, a
149
00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:07.299
couple of weeks ago I was at, uh, I go
150
00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:10.009
to the Seattle rain games. I'm, I'm a, a season
151
00:09:10.049 --> 00:09:13.570
ticket holder. And, uh, the, the guy who normally sits
152
00:09:13.669 --> 00:09:17.230
to my right, he was in Iceland. So his sister
153
00:09:17.269 --> 00:09:20.460
and his niece took his seats that time. And so,
154
00:09:20.500 --> 00:09:22.600
you know, we interacted a little bit. I discovered that
155
00:09:22.620 --> 00:09:25.500
it was, um, his sister and stuff. And, and he's
156
00:09:25.539 --> 00:09:26.659
the one I chat with. I don't chat with the
157
00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:32.100
people on this side. I I, by the end of
158
00:09:32.139 --> 00:09:35.440
the day, you know, I knew they were the guy's
159
00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:37.779
sister and stuff like that. And so at one point
160
00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:40.419
she goes, why do you, why do you come here
161
00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.220
on your own? Like what makes you leave the house?
162
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:45.159
Like what makes you come to a football game and
163
00:09:45.210 --> 00:09:48.649
sit pitch side by yourself? And I was like, and
164
00:09:48.690 --> 00:09:50.669
this is literally how I talk now. I'm just like, well,
165
00:09:50.710 --> 00:09:52.289
my husband's dead and I need to get out of
166
00:09:52.309 --> 00:09:56.250
the house. Like that's my situation now. And I don't
167
00:09:56.330 --> 00:09:58.210
have a better way to say it. And I'm not
168
00:09:58.250 --> 00:10:02.049
really comfortable sugarcoating it forever. other people because I'm suffering
169
00:10:02.090 --> 00:10:04.309
this shit. So I was like, yeah, my husband's dead
170
00:10:04.379 --> 00:10:06.549
and I got, you know, I need to get out
171
00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:09.940
of my house. And she's like, and then she goes, oh, wait,
172
00:10:10.659 --> 00:10:11.940
me too.
173
00:10:12.200 --> 00:10:13.340
Oh, she says me too?
174
00:10:13.419 --> 00:10:16.480
Yeah, like she had just lost her husband in the
175
00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:18.159
last like four months or so.
176
00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:18.460
What?
177
00:10:19.629 --> 00:10:23.149
And and she but she's like she hadn't heard anyone
178
00:10:23.210 --> 00:10:26.669
say that. So direct. Yeah. Like it wasn't just like, oh,
179
00:10:26.750 --> 00:10:28.070
my husband passed or whatever.
180
00:10:28.110 --> 00:10:31.500
That's the heart thing. That's that heart. Your husband's side.
181
00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:32.740
Yeah.
182
00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:33.559
Yeah.
183
00:10:33.620 --> 00:10:35.320
And I was just like, my husband's dead and I
184
00:10:35.340 --> 00:10:38.139
need to get out the house. So and she was like, wow.
185
00:10:38.820 --> 00:10:40.220
And she's like, well, is this hard for you to
186
00:10:40.259 --> 00:10:42.580
get out? I'm like, no. I mean, I always was
187
00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:46.750
a solo singer. activities person. Tristan didn't leave the house
188
00:10:46.779 --> 00:10:49.649
very often. He was always philosophizing in his head, sitting
189
00:10:49.669 --> 00:10:53.450
in his special chair and stuff. I traveled by myself
190
00:10:53.509 --> 00:10:55.529
a lot. I go to the movies by myself. I'll
191
00:10:55.549 --> 00:11:00.169
take myself out to dinner and stuff. I didn't realize
192
00:11:00.269 --> 00:11:03.669
people struggled with going outside by themselves. I didn't know
193
00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:05.820
that that was a thing. I don't know why I
194
00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:07.879
didn't know it, but I really started to learn it
195
00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:10.039
because everybody keeps telling me I'm fucking brave for doing
196
00:11:10.059 --> 00:11:14.080
that shit. I'm like, I don't think I'm brave I
197
00:11:14.100 --> 00:11:17.299
think it just happens she took it as like an
198
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:20.100
inspiration for her she said you know what I do
199
00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:23.139
you know I'm always trying to wait until someone's available
200
00:11:23.220 --> 00:11:26.580
to go do stuff with and I'm like I'm like
201
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.580
however much time you have left you're not always gonna
202
00:11:29.639 --> 00:11:31.970
find a person to go someplace with you or do
203
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:33.950
something with you and you can't just stay in the
204
00:11:33.970 --> 00:11:36.269
house I mean I've been just staying in the house
205
00:11:37.710 --> 00:11:39.330
I know that I can't just stay in the house
206
00:11:39.350 --> 00:11:42.240
so I have to do things like buy fucking season tickets,
207
00:11:43.539 --> 00:11:46.950
you know, I gotta go, I gotta go outside. It
208
00:11:46.990 --> 00:11:50.129
was not cheap. So, um, we had this little conversation
209
00:11:50.210 --> 00:11:54.090
afterwards where she was like, okay, all right. I'll just
210
00:11:54.110 --> 00:11:54.870
have to go.
211
00:11:55.210 --> 00:11:56.850
But that's the point, right?
212
00:11:57.649 --> 00:12:01.440
You met her at that four month mark and she's,
213
00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:04.500
she's meeting you at a further mark and she's seeing
214
00:12:04.779 --> 00:12:05.679
your reaction.
215
00:12:05.779 --> 00:12:08.220
And then that's like, okay, that's a possibility for me.
216
00:12:08.710 --> 00:12:11.309
So whatever's in her world that won't let her go
217
00:12:11.370 --> 00:12:15.389
there and be that direct, you just inadvertently gave her permission.
218
00:12:15.409 --> 00:12:19.419
Yeah, I didn't think about that, but that's right. She
219
00:12:19.500 --> 00:12:21.240
was in a place where she couldn't even see the
220
00:12:21.279 --> 00:12:25.000
possibility of being out and about by herself, which is
221
00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:26.720
crazy to me because, like, don't you go to the
222
00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:29.690
grocery store by yourself? Like, haven't you always had to
223
00:12:29.730 --> 00:12:32.929
do some things by yourself? And I'm learning a lot
224
00:12:32.950 --> 00:12:36.370
of people don't do stuff by themselves, so... I think, yeah,
225
00:12:36.389 --> 00:12:38.740
you're probably right. I caught her at a, at a
226
00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:43.379
time where it's like, it's funny cause she's 30 years
227
00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:46.059
older than me. And here I was the elder in
228
00:12:46.139 --> 00:12:50.590
the situation and like giving her tips and pointers on
229
00:12:50.620 --> 00:12:52.389
like how to maneuver and stuff.
230
00:12:52.450 --> 00:12:56.909
This experience does that. It challenges typical hierarchy.
231
00:12:56.929 --> 00:12:57.169
Yeah.
232
00:12:57.809 --> 00:13:02.759
It's very strange. Um, Yeah. So that was that was
233
00:13:02.860 --> 00:13:05.379
one that happened yesterday or a couple weeks ago. And
234
00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:08.860
then yesterday I was at this travel agent thing because
235
00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.659
that's what I do outside of podcasting. And same thing.
236
00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:14.639
Everybody's like, you know, well, why are you what do
237
00:13:14.659 --> 00:13:16.279
you do? Why are you getting into this? I'm like, well,
238
00:13:16.370 --> 00:13:19.149
I'm a podcaster and I do the travel stuff. And
239
00:13:19.230 --> 00:13:20.490
they're like, oh, what's your podcast?
240
00:13:21.149 --> 00:13:22.710
Well, yeah. drop it.
241
00:13:25.149 --> 00:13:27.389
It's called stay at home widow i know that sounds
242
00:13:27.429 --> 00:13:31.090
like a blast but yeah um and so you know
243
00:13:31.230 --> 00:13:32.830
we got in a couple of us gotten into a
244
00:13:32.850 --> 00:13:34.909
conversation about that too and there was someone who had
245
00:13:34.950 --> 00:13:38.750
lost a partner um a while back as well not
246
00:13:39.409 --> 00:13:41.470
a marriage but still as as far as i'm concerned
247
00:13:41.509 --> 00:13:44.129
it counts they lost they lost a partner so you
248
00:13:44.149 --> 00:13:46.549
know sometimes it is just these weird ass conversations that
249
00:13:47.669 --> 00:13:50.250
i just have in public because someone asks me a
250
00:13:50.289 --> 00:13:54.860
question and i don't have the ability to conjure up
251
00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:57.600
the bullshit answer anymore. Like I used to be able
252
00:13:57.659 --> 00:14:00.620
that cracked open thing. I think that you say that's,
253
00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:04.259
I think that's the right, I think that's the right
254
00:14:04.279 --> 00:14:09.450
way to say it. For me, it was, of course
255
00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:12.110
I edited it. So I first had to watch us cry.
256
00:14:12.129 --> 00:14:16.509
I can't believe that. No, I can't believe that. Two months. Bravo.
257
00:14:16.529 --> 00:14:17.830
That's why it took me two months.
258
00:14:18.289 --> 00:14:18.529
Yeah.
259
00:14:18.549 --> 00:14:18.710
Yeah.
260
00:14:19.179 --> 00:14:21.740
I think it'll be easier now that, you know, it's happened.
261
00:14:21.779 --> 00:14:24.019
Like the bandaid finally got ripped off, but you know,
262
00:14:24.220 --> 00:14:27.100
initially I was like, fuck, I cannot get through this.
263
00:14:27.179 --> 00:14:29.950
And I had so many starts and stops, you know,
264
00:14:30.490 --> 00:14:33.389
until that night. And then I, I just, I told myself,
265
00:14:33.409 --> 00:14:34.909
don't go to bed until you get it done. Cause
266
00:14:34.929 --> 00:14:36.669
you'll never get it done. And so that's why I
267
00:14:36.710 --> 00:14:42.090
was able to push through finally. But I think maybe
268
00:14:42.149 --> 00:14:45.200
because I'm already a podcaster, maybe because I know I,
269
00:14:48.220 --> 00:14:51.960
I know people have had to see me be emotional now.
270
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:55.000
It might just have gotten a little bit easier once
271
00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:59.220
it got released. Okay. But I was still nervous about thinking, okay,
272
00:15:01.899 --> 00:15:04.759
I don't know how to describe this. I am both
273
00:15:05.580 --> 00:15:08.860
not giving a fuck what people's thoughts about my grief is.
274
00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:12.259
And at the same time, concerned that they're not going
275
00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:16.600
to see the reason I'm doing things. So I'm not
276
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:18.700
putting my grief out there on French street because I
277
00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:21.679
want people to be like, Oh, Charmaine. Cause actually that
278
00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.259
shit makes me uncomfortable. And I almost immediately have to
279
00:15:24.299 --> 00:15:26.820
be like, please don't. I don't like that. It makes
280
00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:31.070
me uncomfortable. But I, I guess I had a little
281
00:15:31.090 --> 00:15:33.330
bit of worry that people were going to be like, bro,
282
00:15:33.710 --> 00:15:36.909
what are you doing? Talking about, you know, Tristan and
283
00:15:36.970 --> 00:15:40.690
crying on camera and stuff. But like, I do this
284
00:15:40.750 --> 00:15:44.500
other show with my friends, like reviewing TV shows and,
285
00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.080
I fucking cried today. Cause we were talking about dark
286
00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:50.840
matter and that subject matter is Tristan's profession.
287
00:15:51.259 --> 00:15:51.700
Yeah.
288
00:15:51.779 --> 00:15:54.879
So I'm sitting here being sad because I can't watch
289
00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:59.129
it with him. So, you know, again, cracked open, can't
290
00:15:59.169 --> 00:16:01.370
put the cork back in the bottle. Like you're going
291
00:16:01.389 --> 00:16:02.429
to get these tears.
292
00:16:02.409 --> 00:16:04.230
Everywhere you go. You know what I say? I say
293
00:16:04.250 --> 00:16:07.029
to people, I say, I'll cry on you. Yeah.
294
00:16:07.049 --> 00:16:07.970
You did say that last time.
295
00:16:08.029 --> 00:16:11.889
I'll cry on you. Yeah. It's right there. It's always
296
00:16:11.970 --> 00:16:13.389
on the tip. Right. Right there.
297
00:16:13.409 --> 00:16:17.389
Yeah. So I think in the last couple of days,
298
00:16:18.049 --> 00:16:20.870
once I started seeing some of the responses and a
299
00:16:20.889 --> 00:16:23.070
couple of text messages that I got from people that
300
00:16:23.110 --> 00:16:26.409
I didn't know, check in on me when I'm not around,
301
00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:28.379
you know, like I have a couple of friends that
302
00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:32.600
aren't on social media anymore. And so I don't know
303
00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.220
how they know anything unless I remember to contact them.
304
00:16:36.259 --> 00:16:39.840
And I got a text message and someone had, I
305
00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:43.179
guess they had followed something. And so they were like, Hey,
306
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.860
So I heard everything you said and I did not
307
00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:51.350
realize it was like that for you, you know. So
308
00:16:51.710 --> 00:16:56.470
it's interesting. I definitely feel way better about it now
309
00:16:56.509 --> 00:16:58.950
that it's out and, you know, whatever.
310
00:16:59.669 --> 00:17:02.409
And can I tell you something? I got an unexpected gift.
311
00:17:03.809 --> 00:17:07.480
Even as a widow, there were two classmates of mine.
312
00:17:08.019 --> 00:17:10.220
Like I said, in my circle, I'm kind of one
313
00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:12.140
of the first to go through this. But there are
314
00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.359
some classmates that that I haven't seen since we graduated
315
00:17:15.380 --> 00:17:19.319
in 94. Wow. And so I don't have a path
316
00:17:19.400 --> 00:17:21.000
to bring my sad to them.
317
00:17:21.420 --> 00:17:22.019
Yeah. Yeah.
318
00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:25.730
And they reached out to me and thanked me and offered.
319
00:17:26.250 --> 00:17:28.789
And now it's like, okay, tribe. Yeah.
320
00:17:28.809 --> 00:17:30.970
Cause last time you said you, I was your first
321
00:17:31.009 --> 00:17:32.269
grief friend. Right.
322
00:17:32.390 --> 00:17:32.710
Right.
323
00:17:33.450 --> 00:17:36.940
So yeah, that's one crazy. I got, I got to, um,
324
00:17:39.869 --> 00:17:41.950
But also interesting, this is one of the things that
325
00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.309
I've experienced too, is that a lot of the close,
326
00:17:44.390 --> 00:17:50.700
close inner circle friends don't see them anymore, really. The
327
00:17:50.740 --> 00:17:53.019
people that started to show up in my life are
328
00:17:53.059 --> 00:17:58.650
these peripheral acquaintances slash friends that have grief too. And
329
00:17:58.670 --> 00:18:02.650
so they started coming out because they knew I was
330
00:18:02.769 --> 00:18:05.250
going to be in this desert of friendship because that's
331
00:18:05.269 --> 00:18:08.490
what they experienced. And it isn't all like, I don't
332
00:18:08.529 --> 00:18:13.430
know any other widows in my personal circle, really. But,
333
00:18:15.089 --> 00:18:18.990
you know, people who lost siblings or, you know, parents
334
00:18:19.069 --> 00:18:22.170
and shit like that. Those are the ones that still
335
00:18:22.210 --> 00:18:25.440
do the check-ins. So I need to learn from them
336
00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:30.140
because I'm not really good about doing the grief check-ins.
337
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:34.000
My scope, my bubble is still, I'm the griever. I
338
00:18:34.019 --> 00:18:37.569
have to work on that a little bit and hopefully... Right.
339
00:18:37.609 --> 00:18:42.250
Hopefully doing this show does that. Was there anything in
340
00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:47.700
the rewatch or reactions that you got that you were like, oh, shit,
341
00:18:47.740 --> 00:18:51.079
I wish I didn't say that or I wish I
342
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:51.960
said that a different way?
343
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.640
No, actually.
344
00:18:53.660 --> 00:18:55.519
No? That's good. No.
345
00:18:56.380 --> 00:18:58.460
There is something that I wanted to make sure I
346
00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:03.599
clarified that, like, for me, I'm the person that's super
347
00:19:03.779 --> 00:19:05.259
guarded about her feelings.
348
00:19:05.660 --> 00:19:05.880
Mm-hmm.
349
00:19:06.859 --> 00:19:08.759
I'm the one, like I said, I can bring happy.
350
00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:12.299
I can bring anger very well. I can do boisterousness
351
00:19:12.339 --> 00:19:15.990
very well. But sad and hurt, those are areas that
352
00:19:16.069 --> 00:19:20.890
I'm learning to get to. So I think I just always,
353
00:19:20.910 --> 00:19:23.490
I wanted to make clear when I rewatched it that
354
00:19:23.910 --> 00:19:26.569
my friends have been, my core close friends, and I'm
355
00:19:26.630 --> 00:19:29.549
talking a friend from when I was in Oakland to Sacramento,
356
00:19:30.430 --> 00:19:32.410
even in Phoenix, they were there for me.
357
00:19:32.609 --> 00:19:35.069
I just, I did not. You couldn't.
358
00:19:35.089 --> 00:19:37.819
I didn't. You couldn't put your set on them.
359
00:19:37.880 --> 00:19:40.880
Because think about how we're doing it now. It's like,
360
00:19:41.220 --> 00:19:44.440
do you catch someone during their lunch break? Do you
361
00:19:44.460 --> 00:19:46.609
catch them on their way to bed? Do you catch
362
00:19:46.670 --> 00:19:49.109
them in the morning during traffic? Like, when do I
363
00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:52.819
want to fuck up their shit you know what I
364
00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:55.339
mean but now it's like at least there's a place
365
00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:57.799
where I can say it all and it not be
366
00:19:57.940 --> 00:20:03.920
snippets and little you know slices in between our lives
367
00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:06.799
and then I hang up and it's like okay well
368
00:20:06.819 --> 00:20:08.519
I guess I'll go have a sandwich.
369
00:20:08.549 --> 00:20:12.390
Yeah, like that's my day done. What do I do now?
370
00:20:12.650 --> 00:20:15.710
I have one friend, we talked about it last week, Shay.
371
00:20:15.890 --> 00:20:19.130
She's the person that when I call both of us,
372
00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:20.920
when we call each other, the first question we ask
373
00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:24.000
is like, do you have, well, her question is, do
374
00:20:24.019 --> 00:20:27.140
you have the spoons right now from, you know, so
375
00:20:27.180 --> 00:20:30.119
that I know something emotional is about to come from her.
376
00:20:31.089 --> 00:20:35.230
And when I do it, I'll just be like, can
377
00:20:35.269 --> 00:20:37.490
I rant on you real quick? You know, and it's everything.
378
00:20:38.119 --> 00:20:41.200
And because she's the one who established that with me
379
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:46.930
years ago, and I didn't realize how much I appreciated
380
00:20:46.970 --> 00:20:52.049
it until I really had some shit to rant on
381
00:20:52.109 --> 00:20:56.230
her for, you know. Not everybody has that. So it's
382
00:20:56.289 --> 00:20:58.700
really hard because there's no win for you, right? You
383
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:00.920
either hit someone up and be like, hey, I have
384
00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:03.259
something really emotional. I need someone to talk to. Can
385
00:21:03.299 --> 00:21:06.849
you be that person? And they're cornered. even if they
386
00:21:06.890 --> 00:21:08.390
want to be there for you, it's like, Oh shit.
387
00:21:08.430 --> 00:21:12.019
Now where, where can I say no? Yeah.
388
00:21:12.059 --> 00:21:14.779
Like what can I do? You know, cause our grief
389
00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:16.230
is not one of those things where it's like, can I,
390
00:21:16.460 --> 00:21:19.200
you know, call me back at seven and you can
391
00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:21.579
grieve on me then. Right. Like that's not this.
392
00:21:22.380 --> 00:21:25.579
You can't schedule it. Yeah. Yeah. So I do have
393
00:21:25.619 --> 00:21:26.140
a friend.
394
00:21:25.960 --> 00:21:29.410
That took advantage of the randomness immediately after, and things
395
00:21:29.450 --> 00:21:31.150
are going to come to mind later because of our
396
00:21:31.190 --> 00:21:32.410
topic today.
397
00:21:32.509 --> 00:21:32.710
Yeah.
398
00:21:33.170 --> 00:21:33.569
The fog.
399
00:21:33.990 --> 00:21:34.170
Yeah.
400
00:21:34.490 --> 00:21:38.289
Um, But in the beginning, she used to send me,
401
00:21:38.410 --> 00:21:41.750
my friend Andrea in Phoenix, she used to send me
402
00:21:41.930 --> 00:21:44.809
random facts and details about things.
403
00:21:44.950 --> 00:21:47.230
Norwalks. Polar bears.
404
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:51.200
Like as a distraction type of thing?
405
00:21:51.299 --> 00:21:51.799
Rainbows.
406
00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:57.059
You know, stupid things that stupid people do. And I
407
00:21:57.099 --> 00:21:59.740
don't know when it trailed off, but it got me through.
408
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:00.599
Yeah.
409
00:22:01.259 --> 00:22:01.500
Yes.
410
00:22:01.559 --> 00:22:01.799
Yeah.
411
00:22:02.420 --> 00:22:02.660
Yes.
412
00:22:03.220 --> 00:22:03.650
That's it.
413
00:22:04.589 --> 00:22:06.950
That's really nice. It's so funny because, like, a lot
414
00:22:06.990 --> 00:22:11.170
of people think they need to, you know, bring big
415
00:22:11.309 --> 00:22:16.059
sympathy gifts or, you know, have some sort of magical
416
00:22:16.779 --> 00:22:20.000
wisdom to drop on you and shit like that. But really,
417
00:22:20.059 --> 00:22:23.339
sometimes it is like, you know, can you tell me
418
00:22:23.380 --> 00:22:25.759
about your co-worker that irritates the shit out of you
419
00:22:25.799 --> 00:22:28.170
so I don't have to think about my shit right now? Or,
420
00:22:29.269 --> 00:22:32.369
you know, can you tell me a story about Tristan because...
421
00:22:34.380 --> 00:22:37.000
memory and fog sets in and now i'm starting to
422
00:22:37.059 --> 00:22:39.839
not remember some stuff and you know like everybody's afraid
423
00:22:39.880 --> 00:22:42.240
to talk about him to me but i really want
424
00:22:42.279 --> 00:22:44.019
to talk i really want people to hit me with
425
00:22:44.039 --> 00:22:45.880
their stories maybe it's a story i don't know and
426
00:22:46.619 --> 00:22:48.160
i can you know it's a new thing i can
427
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:58.160
have or whatever i use um these images that I
428
00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:00.859
had drawn up, these cartoon animals that I draw up
429
00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:02.920
that I would send to Shay and Jeff to indicate
430
00:23:03.029 --> 00:23:06.170
where my, where I was emotionally or mentally when I
431
00:23:06.190 --> 00:23:08.630
was living with them. So they knew which, which days
432
00:23:08.710 --> 00:23:12.109
meant feed me, leave me alone, come check in on me,
433
00:23:12.210 --> 00:23:13.049
make me go shower.
434
00:23:13.549 --> 00:23:15.609
So if I use an octave, that's a great tool
435
00:23:15.650 --> 00:23:16.099
by the way.
436
00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:17.680
So I didn't have to talk, you know, it was
437
00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:19.599
like a way, a thing. And I forgot where I
438
00:23:19.640 --> 00:23:21.859
learned to do this, but I had these, I ended
439
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.200
up paying someone to design them for me based off
440
00:23:24.259 --> 00:23:27.779
of what I explained and And actually, I should have
441
00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:29.339
saved this for later because we're going to do kind
442
00:23:29.359 --> 00:23:33.369
of like coping tools at the end. But when I
443
00:23:33.450 --> 00:23:35.410
gave her an octopus, when I gave them an octopus,
444
00:23:35.509 --> 00:23:39.690
it meant I was being productive today. Because before Tristan died,
445
00:23:39.990 --> 00:23:42.180
I had people who called me an octopus woman because
446
00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:45.400
I always, always doing something.
447
00:23:45.420 --> 00:23:46.240
Got it.
448
00:23:46.380 --> 00:23:48.220
Manatee is what I use when I was just like,
449
00:23:49.099 --> 00:23:51.420
This is the sad, sad. Well, no, there's two. There's
450
00:23:51.480 --> 00:23:53.839
a turtle when it's a sad, sad. I'm not coming out.
451
00:23:53.859 --> 00:23:55.299
You're going to have to make sure I get fed today.
452
00:23:55.720 --> 00:23:58.079
A manatee is like, I'm sad and I don't want
453
00:23:58.099 --> 00:24:01.400
to be social. And then I had a sloth when
454
00:24:01.420 --> 00:24:02.740
I was just like, you're going to have to get
455
00:24:02.779 --> 00:24:04.339
me out of bed and make me go shower today
456
00:24:04.359 --> 00:24:06.839
because I'm going to be in this bed. And then
457
00:24:06.859 --> 00:24:10.240
I had a tiger for my anger days. And so
458
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:13.160
each of those animals, I would just send them the
459
00:24:13.299 --> 00:24:16.579
icon in the text message form. And then Shay being
460
00:24:16.619 --> 00:24:18.900
the person she is, she's like, all right, it's either
461
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:22.940
burritos or it's, you know, Indian food or, you know,
462
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:25.559
like she always knew the big, the big.
463
00:24:27.309 --> 00:24:29.509
You could say less. I starved.
464
00:24:31.170 --> 00:24:32.650
If I didn't live with them, I would have. Cause
465
00:24:32.670 --> 00:24:36.049
when I was in Mexico, I was not eating. And
466
00:24:36.289 --> 00:24:39.019
if it wasn't for it, this is actually another Shay, not,
467
00:24:39.180 --> 00:24:42.380
not Shay, Shay, but. Uh, two of my friends that
468
00:24:42.420 --> 00:24:46.160
I had in Mexico that were from the States, one
469
00:24:46.200 --> 00:24:49.740
was Shay. She started coming in and feeding me and
470
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:51.759
like washing my dishes and stuff. And she'd check in
471
00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:55.009
on me almost every day. And then my other friends, uh,
472
00:24:55.059 --> 00:25:00.519
Naima and Jay, they would, um, they just let me
473
00:25:00.579 --> 00:25:03.450
sit on that couch and cry or like they let me, uh,
474
00:25:03.569 --> 00:25:05.849
soak in their deep soaking tub and stuff like that.
475
00:25:06.130 --> 00:25:06.390
Water.
476
00:25:06.970 --> 00:25:09.519
Yeah. Water is a big one for me too. And, uh,
477
00:25:10.130 --> 00:25:12.180
And then just some of the abuelas of the neighborhood
478
00:25:12.259 --> 00:25:14.559
found out through the grapevine that I lost my husband.
479
00:25:14.599 --> 00:25:16.839
And so I just had like little abuelas show up,
480
00:25:17.859 --> 00:25:19.740
not a hint of English and just being like, you know,
481
00:25:20.099 --> 00:25:23.420
sympathy and things and throwing food at me. And, you know,
482
00:25:24.009 --> 00:25:25.589
even in grief, I'm not going to pass up an
483
00:25:25.609 --> 00:25:27.769
abuela meal, you know.
484
00:25:28.069 --> 00:25:29.009
Not a real one?
485
00:25:29.190 --> 00:25:32.170
You know, like, yeah, like a proper, if they look
486
00:25:32.230 --> 00:25:34.450
haggard and hunched over, I know that that food is
487
00:25:34.470 --> 00:25:37.500
going to be wild. So, yeah, I was taking, I
488
00:25:37.700 --> 00:25:40.470
was getting some food. And I was in this black
489
00:25:40.630 --> 00:25:43.230
expat group too. And some of them, I knew some
490
00:25:43.250 --> 00:25:45.029
of them, I didn't, but a lot of them came
491
00:25:45.069 --> 00:25:47.289
through and just dropped food off and stuff like that too.
492
00:25:47.329 --> 00:25:51.269
So if that didn't happen, I would not have, I
493
00:25:51.309 --> 00:25:52.869
would not have been able to feed myself in those
494
00:25:52.910 --> 00:25:55.529
first four months. And then of course the year that
495
00:25:55.549 --> 00:25:59.250
I lived with Shay after that, I hardly feed myself now.
496
00:25:59.269 --> 00:26:03.880
I'm better at it, but those are the challenges. But
497
00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:06.180
that brings us to what we actually want to talk
498
00:26:06.200 --> 00:26:09.990
about today. And that is something I did not know
499
00:26:10.250 --> 00:26:14.730
about until after. And it was really like, because it hit,
500
00:26:15.029 --> 00:26:19.339
I started asking people like, I don't know what's happening
501
00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:21.599
with my brain. I think there's something wrong with my brain.
502
00:26:21.660 --> 00:26:24.359
And it was this thing that actually exists. That's called
503
00:26:24.420 --> 00:26:30.200
widow fog in big trauma or in, in big grief,
504
00:26:30.519 --> 00:26:34.329
you start to have memory loss or packet loss. And
505
00:26:35.349 --> 00:26:38.589
I did not understand that. I did not anticipate it.
506
00:26:38.730 --> 00:26:42.779
And to this day, it is still actually a difficulty.
507
00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:47.220
And I think that's why I wanted to talk about
508
00:26:47.240 --> 00:26:51.359
it sort of early in the show with you, because
509
00:26:51.380 --> 00:26:53.680
I know we've both experienced it. And literally, it's a
510
00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:56.220
part of this planning that we have to do where
511
00:26:56.269 --> 00:26:56.700
it's like.
512
00:26:57.069 --> 00:26:58.829
We have to plan around our widow fog.51300:26:59.180 --> 00:27:01.589
Yeah. So like sending messages and be like, okay, for51400:27:01.640 --> 00:27:04.390
next week or this or whatever, like, I don't, I51500:27:04.430 --> 00:27:06.509
still don't know what methods you need out of me.51600:27:06.589 --> 00:27:09.089
You don't necessarily know what methods I need out of you.51700:27:09.750 --> 00:27:12.640
And it's just going to be like, uh, someone's going51800:27:12.660 --> 00:27:16.160
to have to remind us to record this show. And51900:27:16.220 --> 00:27:18.220
someone's going to have to remind us to post these52000:27:18.279 --> 00:27:19.599
videos and things like that.52100:27:19.660 --> 00:27:22.339
So, um, Or like me, I'm saying, okay, is there52200:27:22.359 --> 00:27:25.160
anything on deck for you that I haven't gotten done.52300:27:24.940 --> 00:27:25.839
That you're waiting on?52400:27:25.859 --> 00:27:26.960
You haven't done.52500:27:26.799 --> 00:27:27.819
That, yeah. Like, let me know.52600:27:28.059 --> 00:27:30.119
If there's no priority, then I'll use my own. But52700:27:30.180 --> 00:27:31.680
if you got something hot, let me know.52800:27:32.079 --> 00:27:34.180
Yeah, when you did that, it actually stunned me so52900:27:34.220 --> 00:27:38.359
much that I was like, uh, uh, nothing. I was like,53000:27:38.440 --> 00:27:39.799
I ain't got shit for you. I'm not your boss.53100:27:41.200 --> 00:27:42.200
But just to check in.53200:27:42.539 --> 00:27:45.240
But you're right. Like, there's going to be things like that. Yeah.53300:27:47.200 --> 00:27:49.059
you know, it's crazy. Cause I have been sort of53400:27:49.420 --> 00:27:52.160
being in need of an accountability partner just to, just53500:27:52.180 --> 00:27:55.079
to get me to do the basic shit to that53600:27:55.119 --> 00:27:58.430
you're supposed to already do that falls by the wayside53700:27:58.470 --> 00:28:01.829
when you're in grief, you know, like it comes and goes,53800:28:01.910 --> 00:28:04.710
but you know, there's the shower issue that a lot53900:28:04.750 --> 00:28:06.450
of grievers have and, you know.54000:28:06.470 --> 00:28:08.150
The shower issue is real.54100:28:08.599 --> 00:28:10.319
It's a bad one, especially in the beginning.54200:28:10.839 --> 00:28:11.700
It's a bad one.54300:28:11.859 --> 00:28:15.789
Like you don't like, I, I, I didn't know until54400:28:15.890 --> 00:28:17.690
I caught a good sense of myself.54500:28:17.769 --> 00:28:17.950
Yeah.54600:28:18.349 --> 00:28:18.509
Yeah.54700:28:18.569 --> 00:28:19.690
Like, oh, that's me.54800:28:20.670 --> 00:28:22.490
Actually, this is one of those things where I hope54900:28:22.529 --> 00:28:26.559
to get an affiliate deal with this company because I've since,55000:28:26.900 --> 00:28:30.579
since becoming a widow, this is wild. Since becoming a widow,55100:28:30.640 --> 00:28:35.920
I found this deodorant that comes in lotion form and55200:28:36.940 --> 00:28:39.680
it has a 72 hour guarantee. And like, this is55300:28:39.720 --> 00:28:41.339
not over the counter stuff. This is like stuff I55400:28:41.359 --> 00:28:43.000
pay extra for and I have to have it shipped55500:28:43.039 --> 00:28:45.029
every month and stuff like that. And I'm not kidding.55600:28:45.049 --> 00:28:49.829
That 72 hour thing is legit because there have been times. Yes,55700:28:49.869 --> 00:28:51.569
there's been times when I push that shit to the55800:28:51.630 --> 00:28:55.910
limit and I'm like, everything else is bad, but this55900:28:55.990 --> 00:28:59.470
is fine. And I was like, you know, I, I've been,56000:29:00.069 --> 00:29:02.319
I've been using that now for, I think about the56100:29:02.359 --> 00:29:05.460
last year and a half. And because I still fall56200:29:05.480 --> 00:29:07.559
into those pockets, you know, I got into a place56300:29:08.079 --> 00:29:11.660
where I was functional enough that, you know, daily hygiene56400:29:11.680 --> 00:29:15.140
was happening. And then I, I've slipped, I slipped back56500:29:15.200 --> 00:29:17.079
and forth, but right now I'm in this, like every56600:29:17.140 --> 00:29:18.160
other day I remember.56700:29:19.240 --> 00:29:22.099
You know, I've been doing travel and, um, in the56800:29:22.160 --> 00:29:25.839
beginning and it's hard because I'm in someone else's home.56900:29:26.640 --> 00:29:28.049
So I'm supposed to be on my.57000:29:27.960 --> 00:29:30.529
P's and my Q's and I, and I know that57100:29:30.549 --> 00:29:33.849
I'm slipping in that area. Um, so I would, I57200:29:33.890 --> 00:29:36.369
would love to have that because I can't stop grief57300:29:37.089 --> 00:29:40.369
from happening. If I'm on travel, being in someone's house57400:29:40.430 --> 00:29:41.109
does not matter.57500:29:41.130 --> 00:29:42.849
I might skip a day.57600:29:43.809 --> 00:29:46.650
And the crazy thing is, is when you have these57700:29:46.779 --> 00:29:50.200
slips of like the hygiene slips is once you do57800:29:50.240 --> 00:29:52.220
get into the shower, you're like, I love this.57900:29:52.279 --> 00:29:53.440
This feels so good.58000:29:53.539 --> 00:29:56.019
Why don't I do this every day or multiple times58100:29:56.079 --> 00:29:59.640
a day? And then Tomorrow comes, you know, like you're58200:29:59.680 --> 00:30:02.079
getting out of the shower going, this feels good. I58300:30:02.140 --> 00:30:03.900
remember it feels good. I'm going to do this every day.58400:30:03.960 --> 00:30:06.180
And then tomorrow comes and you're just like, nope, today's58500:30:06.200 --> 00:30:06.799
a couch day.58600:30:06.819 --> 00:30:09.059
Here's the cover pulled.58700:30:08.900 --> 00:30:12.980
Over, you know, mouthwash, something like that. You know, it's58800:30:13.019 --> 00:30:13.660
that kind of stuff.58900:30:14.039 --> 00:30:15.900
I think I had three things that I did no59000:30:15.940 --> 00:30:19.640
matter what. And probably from the drill sergeant of my dad.59100:30:20.059 --> 00:30:22.059
And it's the sign that we had growing up. So59200:30:22.119 --> 00:30:24.519
I would use the bathroom. I would wash my face.59300:30:24.660 --> 00:30:25.539
I would blow my nose.59400:30:25.720 --> 00:30:26.740
Like those three things.59500:30:26.819 --> 00:30:28.420
Oh, was that in the downstairs bathroom?59600:30:28.839 --> 00:30:29.200
Probably.59700:30:29.220 --> 00:30:32.500
The little sign? Because I feel like I've read that59800:30:32.559 --> 00:30:33.500
in your house before.59900:30:33.900 --> 00:30:38.380
Probably. You know, you've been around for so long, so60000:30:38.400 --> 00:30:39.420
many moves or whatever.60100:30:39.440 --> 00:30:42.109
The blow your nose thing is what triggers me thinking60200:30:42.140 --> 00:30:43.410
I've seen it written down.60300:30:44.109 --> 00:30:46.289
Probably for my children. I carried on that tradition. I60400:30:46.309 --> 00:30:46.710
sure did.60500:30:46.990 --> 00:30:48.230
That's funny. Yeah.60600:30:48.269 --> 00:30:49.210
So I had that. So.60700:30:50.240 --> 00:30:54.720
Bravo to Mr. Johnson for drilling that into my thick skull.60800:30:54.779 --> 00:30:57.009
But the actual showering part, optional.60900:30:58.349 --> 00:31:02.990
It's so fucking crazy. This grief thing breaks so many61000:31:03.029 --> 00:31:06.049
of your own rules and boundaries that you have with yourself.61100:31:07.430 --> 00:31:14.160
But we'll pin that one for another topic. Oh, I61200:31:14.180 --> 00:31:16.619
think it's part of the memory thing. I do think61300:31:16.660 --> 00:31:18.549
it's part because there are days when I was like,61400:31:18.569 --> 00:31:23.309
did I shower yesterday? Is today the day I, but61500:31:23.549 --> 00:31:26.410
that's also, I think a separate thing also because I've61600:31:26.450 --> 00:31:29.609
heard so much about how grief impacts that. But the61700:31:29.710 --> 00:31:33.859
memory thing I'm finding, and I'm at two years and61800:31:35.059 --> 00:31:38.740
two and three quarters years. I have three months until61900:31:38.759 --> 00:31:45.619
the third anniversary and I have had to, create so62000:31:45.660 --> 00:31:49.380
many alarms on my phone throughout the day because my62100:31:49.420 --> 00:31:51.490
cat will not get fed on time if that alarm62200:31:51.509 --> 00:31:56.569
doesn't go off. If I'm about to record, if I62300:31:56.609 --> 00:31:58.509
know I'm going to record, I have to set that62400:31:58.569 --> 00:32:01.450
alarm for an hour before so that I can get62500:32:01.490 --> 00:32:07.839
myself in presentable mode or whatever. I have a 10-minute62600:32:07.900 --> 00:32:11.220
alert ahead of my Japanese tutoring and my Japanese class62700:32:11.460 --> 00:32:14.890
and my therapy. Like, If I know I have an62800:32:14.950 --> 00:32:17.069
appointment that I have to leave the house, I have62900:32:17.109 --> 00:32:20.289
to book a two hour in advance alarm to tell me,63000:32:20.509 --> 00:32:22.029
don't forget in two hours you got to go to63100:32:22.470 --> 00:32:25.349
go get ready. An hour before to be like, okay,63200:32:25.369 --> 00:32:27.990
start to get yourself ready to go, go. And then like,63300:32:28.029 --> 00:32:30.069
you know, that 45 minute mark or whatever you need63400:32:30.109 --> 00:32:33.299
for travel time, an alert to say in 15 minutes,63500:32:33.650 --> 00:32:35.980
that 45 minute window is coming up. So my phone63600:32:36.000 --> 00:32:39.359
is just filled with now. I didn't have to be63700:32:39.400 --> 00:32:43.190
like that before. And I have missed classes. I have63800:32:43.269 --> 00:32:48.130
missed appointments. I missed lunch with a friend. Right. Because63900:32:48.170 --> 00:32:50.569
I didn't put it in my phone. And that was64000:32:50.589 --> 00:32:53.109
when I was traveling. So, like, how do I not64100:32:53.170 --> 00:32:54.829
remember that I was supposed to meet somebody at a64200:32:54.869 --> 00:32:56.869
cafe when I was in L.A. when I had to64300:32:56.950 --> 00:32:59.750
fly to L.A. and that was part of the itinerary?64400:32:59.769 --> 00:33:01.539
You know what I'm saying?64500:33:01.950 --> 00:33:03.230
It doesn't line up.64600:33:03.710 --> 00:33:04.400
It doesn't.64700:33:04.420 --> 00:33:06.660
It's not your typical forgetfulness.64800:33:06.920 --> 00:33:07.220
Yeah.64900:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.640
It's not forgetfulness. It's fog.65000:33:10.119 --> 00:33:11.119
It's fog. Yeah.65100:33:11.420 --> 00:33:12.559
It's like looking through.65200:33:12.619 --> 00:33:14.640
You see that you're supposed to do it or you65300:33:14.680 --> 00:33:17.019
can or there's something. I always have the feeling like65400:33:17.039 --> 00:33:18.380
there's something I should be doing.65500:33:18.660 --> 00:33:21.490
Yeah. It does always feel like something's on your back65600:33:21.670 --> 00:33:25.210
and you're just like, what is it? You know, everybody65700:33:25.250 --> 00:33:27.170
has that thing of where they walk into a room65800:33:27.210 --> 00:33:28.920
and they're like, what the fuck was I in here for? And,65900:33:29.369 --> 00:33:31.769
you know, it doesn't usually take forever for that to66000:33:31.829 --> 00:33:34.789
come back. But I'm having moments where like I walk66100:33:34.829 --> 00:33:36.910
into a room. I don't remember why I walked into66200:33:36.950 --> 00:33:42.069
that room. Two days later. I'll be like, oh, and66300:33:42.130 --> 00:33:45.609
it'll literally be two days. And that's not a fucking66400:33:45.650 --> 00:33:48.710
normal thing. It's usually like, you know, maybe an hour66500:33:48.769 --> 00:33:52.529
later or 20 minutes later, you would remember something like that.66600:33:52.950 --> 00:33:55.190
But now, you know, a couple of days can go66700:33:55.250 --> 00:34:00.029
by and I'll finally remember whatever it was I was66800:34:00.049 --> 00:34:04.930
supposed to do. I've taken out meat and forgot everything.66900:34:05.450 --> 00:34:08.360
That's money wasted, right? Money wasted?67000:34:08.539 --> 00:34:12.920
Money wasted. So many. How about this?67100:34:14.340 --> 00:34:18.539
I forgot the lights on a long trip and left67200:34:18.639 --> 00:34:22.619
my refrigerator and my freezer and my.67300:34:22.460 --> 00:34:25.469
Yard and my houseplants in.67400:34:25.389 --> 00:34:30.150
The middle of summer in the North Bay where it67500:34:30.190 --> 00:34:38.829
gets hot. And I didn't even think to check certain67600:34:38.929 --> 00:34:40.320
things that would let me know.67700:34:41.440 --> 00:34:46.599
There's no lights. Oh, and I have the budget set aside.67800:34:47.119 --> 00:34:47.400
Yeah.67900:34:47.920 --> 00:34:48.699
Who would want to?68000:34:48.719 --> 00:34:51.139
Oh, I was so afraid of what I would see68100:34:51.159 --> 00:34:54.849
when I came home with my houseplants. Because my houseplants68200:34:54.909 --> 00:34:55.889
are what regulate me.68300:34:56.309 --> 00:34:56.989
Yeah, yeah.68400:34:57.289 --> 00:34:58.750
I'm very time blind.68500:34:58.889 --> 00:35:00.929
I'm very time blind now.68600:35:01.500 --> 00:35:04.480
But remembering my plants need light gets me out of68700:35:04.500 --> 00:35:07.929
the bed to open the curtains. You know, remembering that, oh,68800:35:07.969 --> 00:35:11.610
that plant is more thirsty than that plant. So it68900:35:11.710 --> 00:35:13.969
forces me to go to the corners of my house69000:35:13.989 --> 00:35:16.809
where I have plants. And so nothing gets too dirty69100:35:16.849 --> 00:35:18.989
or too nasty. You see what I'm saying?69200:35:19.010 --> 00:35:20.949
So I was like, oh, my God, I'm about to69300:35:20.969 --> 00:35:24.070
lose my support system. And then the emotional part of.69400:35:24.010 --> 00:35:27.190
That was Brett's and I's thing. Like, I hope I69500:35:27.210 --> 00:35:28.409
didn't kill one of his favorite plants.69600:35:28.900 --> 00:35:29.480
You know what I mean?69700:35:29.699 --> 00:35:33.900
Oh, I remember you texting me that once. Like, you69800:35:33.940 --> 00:35:35.480
just hope you're going to be able to keep these69900:35:35.599 --> 00:35:40.320
plants going or something. Yeah, I remember that. I mean,70000:35:40.360 --> 00:35:43.510
I didn't remember that a couple minutes ago. I remember70100:35:44.010 --> 00:35:44.530
that now.70200:35:44.639 --> 00:35:45.230
Brought you back.70300:35:45.250 --> 00:35:51.710
But no, it's things like that. Widowfog doesn't care about70400:35:51.769 --> 00:35:53.269
the importance.70500:35:52.869 --> 00:35:57.449
Of a thing to you. Yeah. You just get to70600:35:57.510 --> 00:35:58.269
forget or not.70700:35:59.719 --> 00:36:02.360
Like with that missing a friend lunch or something like70800:36:02.400 --> 00:36:07.320
that pre grief, I would have been like, does this70900:36:07.380 --> 00:36:10.320
mean this person doesn't matter to me that much because71000:36:10.340 --> 00:36:13.510
I forgot, you know, or whatever. Like if this was71100:36:13.570 --> 00:36:16.369
pre grief, I'd be like, there's gotta be something making71200:36:16.489 --> 00:36:18.670
me miss this because I'm not the kind of person71300:36:18.690 --> 00:36:22.429
that leaves people hanging and stuff like that. But it71400:36:22.469 --> 00:36:26.909
to happen now, it, it, it, it, the fog isn't71500:36:26.949 --> 00:36:28.809
just like, I don't remember what I'm supposed to do today.71600:36:28.969 --> 00:36:33.570
The fog literally is people. And there are friends that71700:36:33.710 --> 00:36:37.920
I haven't talked to. And it's not because I have71800:36:37.980 --> 00:36:41.199
beef or whatever. It's because I literally don't remember they exist.71900:36:41.880 --> 00:36:45.920
And then a Facebook post or a text message, I'll72000:36:45.940 --> 00:36:48.579
come in. I'll be like, I'll actually say the name72100:36:48.659 --> 00:36:52.949
out loud and be like, Michael, who's Michael, you know?72200:36:53.519 --> 00:36:54.320
Or something like that.72300:36:54.619 --> 00:36:56.199
You sent me one of those. Like, do I know72400:36:56.239 --> 00:36:56.639
this guy?72500:36:57.059 --> 00:36:59.139
Oh, yeah. I sent that to you. But I did.72600:36:59.199 --> 00:37:00.760
I don't think I know that guy. I think it72700:37:00.800 --> 00:37:08.460
was just a random. But, yeah, like, Clara, my friend72800:37:08.579 --> 00:37:10.699
from high school, too, she'll tell me a story about72900:37:10.739 --> 00:37:12.199
someone we went to high school with. She'll be like,73000:37:12.219 --> 00:37:14.559
you remember so-and-so? And I'm like, nah. And she'll show73100:37:14.579 --> 00:37:18.179
me a picture. And I'm like, maybe. But, you know, like, now,73200:37:18.219 --> 00:37:20.829
because I used to be able to remember faces and73300:37:20.869 --> 00:37:22.969
not names. Now that's gone, too.73400:37:22.989 --> 00:37:28.929
Right. You know what? I've lost my sense of direction.73500:37:28.949 --> 00:37:29.809
Oh, really?73600:37:29.829 --> 00:37:35.429
Where am I? Oh, I need direction still. It's almost73700:37:35.889 --> 00:37:37.789
two and a half years I've been in this neighborhood.73800:37:37.849 --> 00:37:40.889
And if I'm going to my local WinCo, I'm still like,73900:37:40.969 --> 00:37:42.699
is it this exit or that exit?74000:37:43.300 --> 00:37:45.619
That's kind of fair. I feel like I know the74100:37:45.659 --> 00:37:47.800
places I go to, but I still have to put74200:37:47.840 --> 00:37:48.650
my GPS on.74300:37:48.699 --> 00:37:51.559
I get this in Sacramento. When I go to Sacramento,74400:37:51.699 --> 00:37:55.539
I don't know where or what. I used to be74500:37:55.579 --> 00:37:56.639
called the Thomas guide.74600:37:57.099 --> 00:37:59.239
To be fair, like you haven't lived there in a74700:37:59.280 --> 00:38:00.159
long time too.74800:38:00.400 --> 00:38:02.480
It doesn't matter where I'm at. I'm trying to tell74900:38:02.519 --> 00:38:05.130
you my sense of direction. I used to have a75000:38:05.219 --> 00:38:09.710
very strong sense of direction and, and now I, I,75100:38:10.329 --> 00:38:11.110
I cannot.75200:38:11.769 --> 00:38:15.230
I always did too. And Tristan, Tristan couldn't go, couldn't75300:38:15.269 --> 00:38:17.250
find the same place over and over again. If you tried,75400:38:17.309 --> 00:38:19.710
like he would always need it mapped out or, which75500:38:19.750 --> 00:38:21.889
is a big part of why I drove mostly to, um,75600:38:23.420 --> 00:38:26.969
But now I notice that my instincts are incorrect. I've75700:38:27.010 --> 00:38:28.710
always been a north, south, east, west person.75800:38:29.389 --> 00:38:30.070
I can do that.75900:38:30.429 --> 00:38:33.750
And I'm literally in a city that's aligned north, south, east, west,76000:38:33.789 --> 00:38:35.710
because the way the water is and the way the76100:38:35.750 --> 00:38:38.010
mountains are, you know which direction things are.76200:38:38.030 --> 00:38:39.059
That's how Phoenix was.76300:38:39.260 --> 00:38:42.900
And I make turns that aren't correct now. So maybe76400:38:42.920 --> 00:38:45.139
there's an effect there, too. But I also don't know76500:38:45.159 --> 00:38:45.340
this city.76600:38:45.360 --> 00:38:47.599
I turned down a one-way street the other day in Sacramento.76700:38:47.619 --> 00:38:48.039
Oh, I've done that.76800:38:48.469 --> 00:38:51.349
I've done that since I've been a griever too. That76900:38:51.769 --> 00:38:52.889
is terrifying.77000:38:52.909 --> 00:38:53.590
Hold on.77100:38:53.690 --> 00:38:57.110
And I used to, when I worked child protective services,77200:38:57.550 --> 00:39:00.389
my job was in the field. My office was the field.77300:39:00.670 --> 00:39:02.570
That's why I say I was the Thomas guide. I77400:39:02.619 --> 00:39:05.019
knew all of Sacramento, like the back of my hand.77500:39:05.440 --> 00:39:08.380
And even in Phoenix, I love Phoenix because in Phoenix,77600:39:08.400 --> 00:39:10.619
you can go to the Northwest corner of Indian school77700:39:10.699 --> 00:39:11.559
and 16th street.77800:39:11.579 --> 00:39:13.679
I don't know exactly where that is, but when I77900:39:13.719 --> 00:39:16.380
go back to Phoenix, I'm like, uh, Which way is78000:39:16.400 --> 00:39:20.559
the sun? Which way is the mountain? That's funny. It's78100:39:20.579 --> 00:39:21.610
just not the same for me.78200:39:28.289 --> 00:39:30.389
A lot of the day to day stuff is is78300:39:30.469 --> 00:39:36.030
really odd or unusual, but I think memory fog plays78400:39:36.110 --> 00:39:41.269
into almost every element because. You know, you said time78500:39:41.289 --> 00:39:44.670
blindness earlier. I feel like time blindness is there, but78600:39:44.690 --> 00:39:46.730
I think that is has to be tied to me.78700:39:46.989 --> 00:39:48.179
A lot of times I don't even know what day78800:39:48.199 --> 00:39:51.039
of the week is. And so if my phone doesn't78900:39:51.079 --> 00:39:53.440
tell me you have an appointment or whatever, like I've79000:39:53.460 --> 00:39:56.780
been intentionally booking things. Like if I have an outside appointment,79100:39:56.880 --> 00:39:59.039
I try to put those on Tuesdays. I don't know79200:39:59.059 --> 00:40:02.289
why it's Tuesdays, but Tuesdays at least. Yeah, it's like79300:40:02.329 --> 00:40:05.730
if I remember that Tuesdays is the day I go outside,79400:40:06.670 --> 00:40:08.050
then if it's Monday night, I'm going to look at79500:40:08.070 --> 00:40:10.130
the calendar and say, is there something on Tuesdays? And79600:40:10.170 --> 00:40:13.219
I have missed appointments multiple times or whatever. or if79700:40:13.239 --> 00:40:15.409
something gets moved to a Thursday or something like that, yeah,79800:40:15.429 --> 00:40:17.519
that Thursday is not going to happen. You know, like79900:40:17.579 --> 00:40:21.480
it's just lost. It's just lost. Yeah. And it's even80000:40:21.539 --> 00:40:24.840
to a degree why I insisted on like, you know,80100:40:25.239 --> 00:40:26.699
stay at home widow is going to be released on80200:40:26.719 --> 00:40:31.780
the first Wednesday of the month. It's Wednesday, widow, Wednesday, widow, Wednesday, window, Wednesday.80300:40:32.440 --> 00:40:35.900
That's why I'm going to remember to release this. I80400:40:35.940 --> 00:40:38.920
have another show I've been working on that I'm not,80500:40:39.280 --> 00:40:40.320
I don't know if I'm going to drop it in80600:40:40.360 --> 00:40:43.440
September or October, but that one's going to air on,80700:40:43.820 --> 00:40:46.760
on the fourth Monday of the month because it has80800:40:46.880 --> 00:40:50.400
Maine in the title, you know? So alliteration is a80900:40:50.460 --> 00:40:54.780
thing for me, but it's also a tool for me81000:40:54.820 --> 00:40:57.280
now to like, remember to do things on certain days.81100:40:57.380 --> 00:41:00.039
If it works, if it works with a day, um,81200:41:00.260 --> 00:41:03.139
I clean the cat water dishes on Wednesday cause water Wednesday.81300:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.510
I like that, you know, stuff like that.81400:41:05.530 --> 00:41:10.039
Um, I think those are tools that can help for real.81500:41:10.059 --> 00:41:14.119
Because you don't have to think about it as deeply. Yeah,81600:41:14.139 --> 00:41:16.710
it's just the trick now is remembering what day of81700:41:16.730 --> 00:41:19.809
the week it is. And if that happens, then okay, great.81800:41:19.909 --> 00:41:26.929
I'm on things. The football games have been, at first81900:41:26.969 --> 00:41:29.800
they kept hitting on Sunday so I was like okay82000:41:29.820 --> 00:41:32.090
when it's Sunday that's football day but then some of82100:41:32.110 --> 00:41:34.409
the games started happening on like a random Monday or82200:41:34.429 --> 00:41:36.210
a Friday and so like I'm like fuck.82300:41:36.030 --> 00:41:38.309
That's gonna throw me all off you lost your anchor.82400:41:38.429 --> 00:41:41.230
Yeah so like things like that uh kind of get82500:41:41.329 --> 00:41:43.329
in the way a little bit but I do try82600:41:43.349 --> 00:41:46.809
to have as much as a regimented plan as I82700:41:46.909 --> 00:41:49.829
can so that I actually remember to do things now82800:41:50.349 --> 00:41:53.449
and it still falls apart every week I'm gonna miss something.82900:41:53.809 --> 00:41:56.070
You learn to give yourself grace Been trying.83000:41:56.090 --> 00:41:59.190
Yeah. Like I, at this point I'm probably the most83100:42:00.190 --> 00:42:03.880
grace giving to myself that I've ever been in my life.83200:42:03.960 --> 00:42:06.460
But even that took, you know, a year or two83300:42:06.559 --> 00:42:08.679
until I was able to do that. Cause even in83400:42:08.760 --> 00:42:11.920
my heaviest of grief, there were moments when I was83500:42:12.039 --> 00:42:14.840
really apologetic for not being functional and I'm living with83600:42:14.880 --> 00:42:17.590
Shay at the time. And she was like, why the83700:42:17.630 --> 00:42:20.059
fuck do you think I brought you here? You know,83800:42:20.159 --> 00:42:22.059
I brought you here so you didn't have to worry83900:42:22.099 --> 00:42:24.389
about being functional. I brought you here because I don't84000:42:24.469 --> 00:42:28.710
want you to have to be functional. You know, like.84100:42:28.530 --> 00:42:31.210
She's she's in good service. She does good service.84200:42:31.269 --> 00:42:34.590
Yeah. And and the thing is, like, even when I84300:42:34.610 --> 00:42:36.710
can be a friend of service to her, I don't84400:42:36.769 --> 00:42:39.150
feel like I will ever be able to match her84500:42:39.230 --> 00:42:44.119
energy at all because and her husband, too, because, you know,84600:42:44.159 --> 00:42:46.000
they made room for me and my cats in their84700:42:46.019 --> 00:42:50.360
house for a year. After Tristan died, Jeff came to84800:42:50.400 --> 00:42:53.039
Mexico to look after me for a month or whatever. And,84900:42:53.139 --> 00:42:55.079
you know, that wasn't easy for him to be away85000:42:55.119 --> 00:42:57.780
from his wife and dogs and stuff like that for85100:42:57.920 --> 00:43:01.480
a month. And it was Christmas time, too. Like, you know,85200:43:01.500 --> 00:43:03.780
there was a lot of they both have done a85300:43:03.820 --> 00:43:07.050
lot for me when I've when I've needed to travel85400:43:07.090 --> 00:43:09.329
with the cats. Jeff has traveled with me and then85500:43:09.369 --> 00:43:11.389
traveled back home, you know, like he's flown with me85600:43:11.449 --> 00:43:14.349
and the cats and then drive back home. And now85700:43:14.369 --> 00:43:15.750
it's just crates, so I'm not going to need an85800:43:15.809 --> 00:43:19.010
extra person to fly my cats with. But the fact85900:43:19.050 --> 00:43:22.090
that I know that they would do it if I86000:43:22.130 --> 00:43:28.050
needed that. Yeah, they made it possible for me to86100:43:28.090 --> 00:43:30.960
get through to finally be able to live on my86200:43:31.059 --> 00:43:36.320
own because I had actually never lived alone. I went86300:43:36.400 --> 00:43:40.400
straight from my aunt's house to the dorms. That was86400:43:40.420 --> 00:43:43.219
the closest to living alone I've ever done, but also86500:43:43.300 --> 00:43:45.769
like there's 11 billion people around you at all times.86600:43:46.090 --> 00:43:49.429
I had a solo room, but you know, you don't,86700:43:49.469 --> 00:43:51.570
you go to the bathroom, there's everybody, you know, you86800:43:51.590 --> 00:43:53.510
don't have a, your private bathroom and stuff like that.86900:43:53.530 --> 00:43:55.550
So I don't feel like that counts as living alone.87000:43:55.710 --> 00:43:57.829
And then I lived alone for six months.87100:43:58.550 --> 00:43:59.510
Really? Yeah.87200:43:59.530 --> 00:43:59.909
That's it.87300:44:01.429 --> 00:44:03.929
I wish I had had a chance to live alone before,87400:44:04.050 --> 00:44:06.630
but also, you know, I didn't know I was going to, well, one,87500:44:07.429 --> 00:44:09.800
the control my family had on me kept me in the,87600:44:09.929 --> 00:44:12.780
in the house for quite a long time. Um, And87700:44:12.820 --> 00:44:14.079
then I didn't know I was going to fall in87800:44:14.099 --> 00:44:16.420
love with my friend at 22, which is pretty much87900:44:16.440 --> 00:44:18.820
like the start of your adult life. I didn't really88000:44:18.840 --> 00:44:24.119
get to start my adult life. Um, and you know,88100:44:24.480 --> 00:44:28.300
without him, it was, it was, we did that together88200:44:28.320 --> 00:44:31.059
and then he died. And I remember it was like88300:44:31.099 --> 00:44:34.070
a week or two after it was like a, let's see,88400:44:34.929 --> 00:44:37.530
Jeff came two weeks after Tristan died. So it was88500:44:37.610 --> 00:44:40.130
sometime in that two week period. I remember calling Shay88600:44:40.170 --> 00:44:43.820
and I was like, I've never lived alone before. You know, like,88700:44:43.880 --> 00:44:45.699
it was just a random thought. It was like, I88800:44:45.739 --> 00:44:48.699
realize I've never been, for a person who likes to88900:44:48.719 --> 00:44:51.119
be alone, I had never been alone before.89000:44:51.139 --> 00:44:52.000
Or lived alone, right.89100:44:52.019 --> 00:44:55.449
Like, properly alone. And so, you know, and that was89200:44:55.469 --> 00:44:56.949
when we had a house, too. So I had to, like,89300:44:56.989 --> 00:44:59.989
remember to have the money for the pool guy when89400:45:00.030 --> 00:45:01.750
he came to clean it up. Because this is Mexico.89500:45:01.769 --> 00:45:02.690
Every house has a pool.89600:45:04.269 --> 00:45:06.010
Changing the smoke detector.89700:45:06.030 --> 00:45:10.650
Oh, yeah. You have that going on right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.89800:45:10.750 --> 00:45:16.219
It's the memory thing is I, I really just want89900:45:16.260 --> 00:45:19.099
people to know about it because I want anybody who's90000:45:19.599 --> 00:45:22.059
going to be a griever in the future is going90100:45:22.099 --> 00:45:24.119
to need this, know that this is need to know90200:45:24.139 --> 00:45:26.039
that this is happening, but for the people in our90300:45:26.119 --> 00:45:29.619
lives who may not be able to give us grace90400:45:29.699 --> 00:45:36.519
beyond that first, however long their personal measurement of appropriate grief, um,90500:45:38.690 --> 00:45:41.469
they need to know like, this is actually a permanent thing. Unfortunately, uh,90600:45:43.590 --> 00:45:46.710
of everything I've read so far, it seems to continue90700:45:46.750 --> 00:45:48.829
to affect people. And, you know, it's, it's going to90800:45:48.849 --> 00:45:51.230
be tougher on us because for us, it happened when90900:45:51.269 --> 00:45:54.139
we were in our, you know, we were 45, 4691000:45:54.139 --> 00:45:54.619
years old.91100:45:55.400 --> 00:45:55.639
Right.91200:45:55.900 --> 00:46:01.639
You were 46, I think. Um, Oh boy. Or 47.91300:46:01.639 --> 00:46:04.219
And I was, I was 45. And then three days91400:46:04.260 --> 00:46:04.840
later I was 46. So.91500:46:04.940 --> 00:46:05.280
Yeah.91600:46:06.119 --> 00:46:11.170
So I was 47. We were talking about how long91700:46:11.210 --> 00:46:13.650
this life is potentially going to be for me because91800:46:13.710 --> 00:46:16.329
of how long the women in my family live. And91900:46:16.389 --> 00:46:20.250
him dying at 45, I got somewhere between 40 and92000:46:20.250 --> 00:46:26.409
60 years of foggy brain. So no statute of limitations92100:46:26.449 --> 00:46:28.030
that someone else puts on me is going to help92200:46:28.050 --> 00:46:29.110
me have a better memory.92300:46:29.130 --> 00:46:32.139
Or expectations. Yeah.92400:46:32.849 --> 00:46:36.460
You should love me or you should know or don't92500:46:36.480 --> 00:46:37.659
I mean anything to you?92600:46:37.679 --> 00:46:39.599
Don't I mean anything to you?92700:46:39.860 --> 00:46:42.130
Why can't you? You know, all those things.92800:46:42.409 --> 00:46:45.250
Snap out of it. So the frustrating part for me92900:46:45.289 --> 00:46:49.079
with the memory thing is that I have. always been93000:46:49.099 --> 00:46:53.809
an elephant yeah I remember everything I remember all the93100:46:53.869 --> 00:46:56.730
dirt in my family because they don't realize I had93200:46:56.829 --> 00:46:59.469
turned on a lot earlier than most kids and so93300:46:59.929 --> 00:47:02.739
you know I was under five some of the dirt93400:47:02.780 --> 00:47:04.940
my family was doing and shit like that like I93500:47:04.980 --> 00:47:09.699
remember everybody's dirty stories and stuff you know those actually93600:47:09.780 --> 00:47:12.039
oddly enough those are easier for me to recall than93700:47:12.099 --> 00:47:15.659
even stuff that happened in my life with Tristan sometimes93800:47:15.739 --> 00:47:19.179
like there are some struggles of And I think that's93900:47:19.219 --> 00:47:22.219
just because the grief memory issue is tied to that person.94000:47:23.800 --> 00:47:26.440
And so like I'll have these random memories pop into94100:47:26.480 --> 00:47:28.539
my head of something, you know, that Tristan and I did.94200:47:28.559 --> 00:47:30.610
And I'll be like, you know, OK, write that down94300:47:31.469 --> 00:47:34.929
because that might go away again. And I don't know.94400:47:34.989 --> 00:47:38.010
You know, I'll just need to have something that triggers94500:47:38.070 --> 00:47:38.550
the memory.94600:47:38.650 --> 00:47:40.630
My notes have increased exponentially.94700:47:40.989 --> 00:47:43.239
Oh, yeah. I think I have a I can look94800:47:43.260 --> 00:47:44.769
at it right here. I have 991 cloud notes right now.94900:47:47.739 --> 00:47:49.329
I have it open because I have notes for the95000:47:49.429 --> 00:47:52.250
show on there. Right. But when I scan through them,95100:47:52.289 --> 00:47:55.190
some of them are literally like, you know, you parked95200:47:55.230 --> 00:47:58.130
on the third floor in the red area, which parking garage,95300:47:58.269 --> 00:48:02.619
I don't know. Cause I didn't delete the note. If95400:48:02.659 --> 00:48:05.780
I don't remember it from right then and there, you know,95500:48:05.840 --> 00:48:09.480
stuff like that. Oh, I also have Apple tags in95600:48:09.559 --> 00:48:11.380
almost everything.95700:48:12.480 --> 00:48:12.780
Okay.95800:48:13.300 --> 00:48:16.010
Just in case, like in all kinds of bags, which is,95900:48:16.440 --> 00:48:19.659
crazy because I can't always hear it wherever it's at,96000:48:20.070 --> 00:48:22.949
but you know, I at least can see the icons96100:48:22.989 --> 00:48:27.809
are all with me, but, um, having to trick myself96200:48:27.889 --> 00:48:35.429
into memory is a thing. And I do not, it96300:48:35.449 --> 00:48:40.739
feels so uncomfortable. And I imagine to a degree, and96400:48:40.820 --> 00:48:42.739
this is like me talking out of my ass cause96500:48:42.760 --> 00:48:45.329
I don't really know. I imagine to agree that for96600:48:45.349 --> 00:48:47.889
someone that's going through Alzheimer's where they have those like96700:48:48.309 --> 00:48:51.530
fits of memory and clarity and then it goes away again.96800:48:51.550 --> 00:48:52.230
Right, right.96900:48:52.650 --> 00:48:55.769
I feel like I am experiencing a mild version of97000:48:56.329 --> 00:48:59.389
that because, you know, days can go by and I97100:48:59.449 --> 00:49:02.250
will not remember this thing. But I know I what97200:49:02.309 --> 00:49:06.050
I am remembering is that I have to remember something. Right.97300:49:06.780 --> 00:49:08.320
But I can't figure out what that something is.97400:49:10.199 --> 00:49:12.019
My my memory has been.97500:49:12.730 --> 00:49:16.059
Something that I can't even articulate with what I'm moving into.97600:49:16.079 --> 00:49:18.909
Because it's not based off of anything I've seen anyone do.97700:49:19.730 --> 00:49:23.320
It's something that I've been creating for myself. One of97800:49:23.340 --> 00:49:26.420
the bigger things that would help me was Osiris, my97900:49:26.460 --> 00:49:28.139
giant schnauzer. Okay.98000:49:28.340 --> 00:49:29.360
Such a smart boy.98100:49:30.019 --> 00:49:32.219
But in the beginning, I would say even in the98200:49:32.320 --> 00:49:35.159
first months, he would help me out in terms of,98300:49:36.320 --> 00:49:37.699
I don't know I'm staying.98400:49:37.460 --> 00:49:39.340
Up too late. Oh, yes.98500:49:39.750 --> 00:49:40.710
Crate tells me to go to bed.98600:49:41.329 --> 00:49:41.650
Right.98700:49:41.849 --> 00:49:46.360
And so, but I'm so absorbed. Like he would basically98800:49:46.480 --> 00:49:48.239
act like a complete asshole.98900:49:48.599 --> 00:49:48.780
Yeah.99000:49:50.280 --> 00:49:53.360
I'm a cat person with a big dog. Yeah. And99100:49:53.400 --> 00:49:55.909
dad's gone. Yeah. And so now it's me and the99200:49:55.949 --> 00:49:56.929
teenage dog boy.99300:49:56.949 --> 00:49:57.510
Yeah.99400:49:57.769 --> 00:49:58.989
And he's challenging me.99500:49:59.130 --> 00:50:01.070
And then it's like, I'm getting in there and I'm99600:50:01.289 --> 00:50:02.829
frustrated and I'm like, what the heck?99700:50:02.869 --> 00:50:04.670
And then I'm like, oh, it's 1030. Yeah.99800:50:04.690 --> 00:50:08.159
Yeah. turn off the lights, you know? And then I99900:50:08.179 --> 00:50:09.699
started to tell people when they come, I'm like, turn100000:50:09.719 --> 00:50:13.079
off the lights. There are times when, like you said,100100:50:13.159 --> 00:50:17.320
slipping on, on feeding crate, like I would come in100200:50:17.360 --> 00:50:21.340
and if I'm forgetting to, forgetting to feed Osiris, all100300:50:21.360 --> 00:50:23.239
of a sudden he's at the pantry looking at me like,100400:50:24.570 --> 00:50:26.510
and I'm like, get, get from over there, you know,100500:50:26.550 --> 00:50:28.829
go over here. You know, I'm giving my little commands,100600:50:28.849 --> 00:50:31.570
you know, trying to learn the, whatever I'm supposed to100700:50:31.610 --> 00:50:34.510
do for the dogs. And then it's like after a100800:50:34.510 --> 00:50:37.050
few or three commands where he's looking at me like100900:50:37.670 --> 00:50:38.150
this woman.101000:50:38.510 --> 00:50:38.750
Yeah.101100:50:38.849 --> 00:50:39.929
I'm like, oh, you're hungry.101200:50:39.949 --> 00:50:44.769
And then he's like, I'm going to fucking die here, guy.101300:50:45.050 --> 00:50:47.369
And then I'm like, feed the dog, feed myself, feed101400:50:47.389 --> 00:50:48.630
the dog, feed myself.101500:50:48.730 --> 00:50:51.949
Oh, my gosh. You just unlocked a memory just now.101600:50:51.969 --> 00:50:55.349
When I was still in Mexico, Revan and Rain were101700:50:55.389 --> 00:50:59.710
both really elderly. And Revan, we had to start home101800:50:59.750 --> 00:51:02.739
cooking his food. And so we basically just started home101900:51:02.760 --> 00:51:08.900
cooking everybody's food and rain had this, um, uh, bowel issue.102000:51:08.920 --> 00:51:10.760
And so we had a diaper her because she would,102100:51:11.039 --> 00:51:13.880
she would poop everywhere without control. She'd become incontinent and102200:51:13.900 --> 00:51:18.949
she'd also bleed too. And so, um, you know, if102300:51:18.989 --> 00:51:20.750
I forgot to put her diaper on, I was going102400:51:20.769 --> 00:51:23.150
to wake up to blood. So I would have to chant.102500:51:23.250 --> 00:51:26.010
Like I would have this like chant every day. Whereas102600:51:26.050 --> 00:51:28.329
like in bed, I was like, get up, go to102700:51:28.349 --> 00:51:31.420
the bathroom, brush your teeth, feed the cats. clean the102800:51:31.639 --> 00:51:35.550
clean up the you know the blood and shit and102900:51:35.590 --> 00:51:38.449
stuff from the night before um you know change the103000:51:38.489 --> 00:51:41.110
diaper do the litter and so that became this mantra103100:51:41.389 --> 00:51:44.809
get up go to the bathroom brush your teeth feed103200:51:44.829 --> 00:51:47.340
the cats clean the clean the litter you know and103300:51:47.360 --> 00:51:49.260
i was doing that every day.103400:51:48.960 --> 00:51:52.719
Um it's kind of like the aria list of people103500:51:52.760 --> 00:51:55.440
she wants to kill you just go through.103600:51:55.239 --> 00:52:00.179
It You just had to, you just had to have103700:52:00.219 --> 00:52:02.079
that kill list. Otherwise you weren't going to get that103800:52:02.119 --> 00:52:02.659
shit done.103900:52:02.840 --> 00:52:05.059
And somebody's going to starve here. Yeah.104000:52:05.179 --> 00:52:06.280
And so now my version.104100:52:06.340 --> 00:52:07.900
And the dog is like, the dog is like, it's104200:52:07.940 --> 00:52:10.519
not going to be me, mama. Come on now. Feed me. Yeah.104300:52:10.840 --> 00:52:14.159
Because if you don't feed me, I'm going to eat you.104400:52:14.260 --> 00:52:15.619
I am a dog. I'm a dog.104500:52:15.739 --> 00:52:17.360
I'm a dog. I'm going to need to eat.104600:52:17.940 --> 00:52:18.119
Yeah.104700:52:18.219 --> 00:52:19.860
Crate has a tone now.104800:52:20.460 --> 00:52:24.469
What? Is it, is it, is it new since losing weight?104900:52:25.230 --> 00:52:27.849
You know, he's always had this sort of long, drawn out,105000:52:28.050 --> 00:52:31.269
higher pitched meow anyway compared to the other cats. But105100:52:31.489 --> 00:52:33.809
I can't tell if I'm reading into it as more105200:52:33.869 --> 00:52:36.929
crotchety or if it always was that. But there is105300:52:37.010 --> 00:52:40.159
definitely a tone he has that I was like, you105400:52:40.199 --> 00:52:43.019
need to stop cussing because this is a black house105500:52:43.059 --> 00:52:44.619
and you should know better. You're not allowed to cuss105600:52:44.659 --> 00:52:48.059
me out. But it feels like he's cussing. He also105700:52:48.099 --> 00:52:51.130
makes deep eye contact when he has that tone. And105800:52:51.289 --> 00:52:54.849
that is a very instructing tone. He's always like things105900:52:54.869 --> 00:52:57.989
the way he likes it. I always make a joke106000:52:58.030 --> 00:53:00.949
that like he was probably supposed to be born a sheepdog,106100:53:00.989 --> 00:53:03.070
but it got mixed up because he's always trying to106200:53:03.090 --> 00:53:05.150
tell me where I'm supposed to go. And he's always106300:53:05.170 --> 00:53:08.530
supposed to control my timeline. So he usually tries to106400:53:08.590 --> 00:53:10.230
wake me up about a half an hour before it106500:53:10.309 --> 00:53:11.639
is time for us to wake up.106600:53:11.659 --> 00:53:12.360
Oh my goodness.106700:53:12.860 --> 00:53:16.039
He around 1030 is when he starts to holler at106800:53:16.079 --> 00:53:19.739
me to like wind down. I always bypass it. I106900:53:19.820 --> 00:53:22.559
always piss him off. He'll walk out, go in the room.107000:53:22.599 --> 00:53:24.860
He'll come back, cuss me out again, go back. And107100:53:24.900 --> 00:53:27.420
then by like 1130 to 12, I'm like, all right,107200:53:27.480 --> 00:53:30.320
all right, all right. Let me finish this thing. And107300:53:30.380 --> 00:53:31.880
I'm going to go. So I had to tell him107400:53:31.920 --> 00:53:33.739
every night, like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.107500:53:33.780 --> 00:53:36.099
I'm brush my teeth and then we can go to bed.107600:53:36.480 --> 00:53:38.360
Yeah. Just don't give me the voice. Yeah.107700:53:38.840 --> 00:53:42.460
Um, if I move when he's sitting with me, he107800:53:42.519 --> 00:53:44.840
has a tone of just like, no, this is sit time.107900:53:44.900 --> 00:53:46.179
This is not move around time.108000:53:46.199 --> 00:53:46.659
Okay.108100:53:46.760 --> 00:53:48.760
And then his other problem, he does not like when108200:53:48.800 --> 00:53:50.360
I sit at my desk. Cause when I sit at108300:53:50.400 --> 00:53:52.179
my desk, that means my headphones are going to go on.108400:53:52.219 --> 00:53:53.679
I'm not going to pay attention to him for a108500:53:53.719 --> 00:53:56.070
period of time, which is crazy. Cause he can spend108600:53:56.179 --> 00:53:58.409
all day in bed. And then as soon as I108700:53:58.449 --> 00:54:01.670
sit at this table at nighttime, he's all, uh, it's,108800:54:01.809 --> 00:54:06.010
it's our time. Um, so yeah, he's, he's become a108900:54:06.030 --> 00:54:08.409
little bit more demanding, especially since Cray had died also.109000:54:08.469 --> 00:54:09.469
Cause now he's a solo.109100:54:10.079 --> 00:54:10.440
Right.109200:54:10.619 --> 00:54:13.960
He was the youngest of five and now he's a solo.109300:54:14.179 --> 00:54:17.090
He's watched four of his brothers and sisters die over109400:54:17.119 --> 00:54:24.409
the last six years. So, you know, I don't think109500:54:24.449 --> 00:54:28.570
he really understands why all this disappearing happened. And especially109600:54:28.590 --> 00:54:31.889
because when when Cray had died, I was in Korea109700:54:32.829 --> 00:54:34.769
and his cat sitter had to take care of everything.109800:54:34.809 --> 00:54:35.969
So that was kind of the first time he was109900:54:36.030 --> 00:54:37.260
ever in the house alone.110000:54:37.739 --> 00:54:38.159
Mm hmm.110100:54:38.579 --> 00:54:40.559
To, you know, she was there all day at the110200:54:40.619 --> 00:54:43.639
hospital until they had to put her down. And so110300:54:45.059 --> 00:54:47.139
at first I was like begging the cat sitter, like,110400:54:47.159 --> 00:54:48.800
can you stay with him a little bit longer? Because110500:54:48.820 --> 00:54:51.460
he's never been alone. So now I'm afraid to leave110600:54:51.480 --> 00:54:55.000
the house, too, because I'm afraid of leaving him. So110700:54:55.079 --> 00:54:58.420
I'm always really apologetic when you do have to go.110800:54:58.619 --> 00:55:00.440
Like when I have to go, you know, if I travel,110900:55:00.480 --> 00:55:02.739
there's that because the I only have the cat sitter111000:55:02.780 --> 00:55:04.400
come in the morning and the night, you know, for111100:55:04.440 --> 00:55:06.699
feeding times. And she just comes long enough to play111200:55:06.739 --> 00:55:09.880
with them and feed him. Um, although I always kind111300:55:09.920 --> 00:55:13.219
of hint, like you can stay if you want, it's111400:55:13.239 --> 00:55:15.059
like a selfish thing. Like you don't have to leave111500:55:15.099 --> 00:55:18.159
right away. Um, but even like when I go to111600:55:18.179 --> 00:55:19.559
the football game, like I know I'm going to be111700:55:19.579 --> 00:55:21.900
gone for about three hours and stuff. And so I'm like,111800:55:21.980 --> 00:55:24.559
I'm sorry, I'm going to be gone. And you know,111900:55:24.579 --> 00:55:27.579
that's probably more for me than for him. But, um,112000:55:29.360 --> 00:55:30.860
I can tell when it bothers him because when I112100:55:30.909 --> 00:55:34.369
come home, he has that, that cussing tone where.112200:55:34.389 --> 00:55:37.630
I come back and he's just like, you know.112300:55:37.730 --> 00:55:39.780
You know, I mean, one thing that I think has112400:55:39.800 --> 00:55:42.050
been improved for him is like he gets all the112500:55:42.070 --> 00:55:44.869
cuddle time. He doesn't have to divide it anymore and stuff.112600:55:45.769 --> 00:55:47.690
And so if I'm sitting, he's usually sitting with me.112700:55:47.750 --> 00:55:49.710
If I'm laying down, he's usually laying down with me112800:55:49.750 --> 00:55:51.880
and stuff. But he does yell at me when I112900:55:51.920 --> 00:55:53.139
get up to pee in the middle of the night113000:55:53.219 --> 00:55:54.940
because I've disturbed his slumber.113100:55:55.000 --> 00:55:57.579
How could you? Don't you know? Hold it.113200:55:58.059 --> 00:56:01.239
I'm an asshole. So, yeah, there's stuff like that. Like,113300:56:01.320 --> 00:56:03.670
I think to a degree he helps my memory because113400:56:03.730 --> 00:56:04.869
I know he's going to cuss me out if I113500:56:04.909 --> 00:56:06.269
don't do something at the right time.113600:56:06.840 --> 00:56:10.139
Osiris is so fine and even when I travel the113700:56:10.179 --> 00:56:13.739
routine sticks so I'm somewhere else and he's where he's113800:56:13.760 --> 00:56:15.760
supposed to be and it's like I'll get an Osiris113900:56:15.780 --> 00:56:20.019
thought like ah it's yogurt time let's go eat some yogurt.114000:56:19.880 --> 00:56:21.679
Well now I do something I never thought I would114100:56:21.719 --> 00:56:24.039
do I have cameras in my apartment so that I114200:56:24.059 --> 00:56:24.820
can watch him when.114300:56:24.739 --> 00:56:27.179
I'm gone oh that's fun.114400:56:27.590 --> 00:56:32.449
But also like for me to be so like anti-surveillance114500:56:32.489 --> 00:56:34.929
state and here I am like literally doing something that114600:56:35.010 --> 00:56:38.409
puts our data into the into the fucking thing. But114700:56:38.489 --> 00:56:42.030
it's just like, if I'm traveling, I don't want to114800:56:42.090 --> 00:56:44.440
not be able to see them. You know, I have114900:56:44.519 --> 00:56:47.340
one by my it's unplugged when I'm home. But when115000:56:47.599 --> 00:56:50.679
when I'm traveling, I plug in the one by my115100:56:50.739 --> 00:56:52.420
bed so that I can watch them sleep at night.115200:56:52.440 --> 00:56:55.719
Doesn't that give you comfort? It gives you comfort. It does.115300:56:55.860 --> 00:56:57.760
And I can talk to them through it, too. So115400:56:57.780 --> 00:57:00.110
which always freaks them out because they can't see me.115500:57:00.119 --> 00:57:04.889
And all of a sudden I'm like, but I have115600:57:04.969 --> 00:57:07.619
one above my desk that shoots out into the living115700:57:07.659 --> 00:57:09.679
room area. And then I had one in the kitchen115800:57:09.699 --> 00:57:11.360
that shoots the other way and stuff. So I just115900:57:11.420 --> 00:57:14.440
kind of cycled through my cameras when I travel, but116000:57:14.460 --> 00:57:16.300
I never thought I would do something like that. But116100:57:16.760 --> 00:57:20.119
also I think it just helps me. I think it116200:57:20.139 --> 00:57:23.139
just helps ground myself when I'm traveling to like, remember116300:57:23.199 --> 00:57:24.550
I have to, this is what I have to come116400:57:24.590 --> 00:57:29.409
back home to at some point. We did kind of116500:57:29.429 --> 00:57:31.269
blow past some of the things that I thought I would,116600:57:32.070 --> 00:57:38.929
remember to ask but that's podcasting baby before we get116700:57:39.010 --> 00:57:41.929
out of here I wanted to see if there I116800:57:41.969 --> 00:57:44.449
know we kind of sort of done it throughout this116900:57:44.489 --> 00:57:47.750
thing but is there anything this week in particular that117000:57:47.789 --> 00:57:52.260
you've done that has been like a helpful tool or117100:57:53.460 --> 00:57:57.199
helped you process or helped you cope in something that117200:57:57.400 --> 00:57:59.579
is kind of sort of specific to the last week.117300:58:00.570 --> 00:58:05.010
You know, I'm going to be completely honest that only117400:58:05.050 --> 00:58:09.909
because with, I've changed my relationship with substances.117500:58:11.590 --> 00:58:13.630
That's the best way that I can put it. And117600:58:13.690 --> 00:58:14.989
I'm in the beginning.117700:58:14.610 --> 00:58:21.760
Stages of changing my relationship with non-productive tools.117800:58:24.000 --> 00:58:24.500
Yeah.117900:58:24.639 --> 00:58:28.400
Like I said, I'm just six months after moving to118000:58:28.440 --> 00:58:35.449
a new neighborhood. My family is in Sacramento, mostly, and118100:58:35.469 --> 00:58:39.190
that's an hour north on a levee road. I'm not118200:58:39.230 --> 00:58:45.190
doing that every weekend. So I don't know. I think118300:58:45.250 --> 00:58:49.250
that I didn't have healthy ways. I can look back118400:58:49.289 --> 00:58:53.190
and reflect on that right now. I didn't have the language.118500:58:53.269 --> 00:58:55.849
Like we mentioned before about my mom, I didn't have118600:58:55.869 --> 00:58:59.079
an example of She kept a lot of hers stuck118700:58:59.119 --> 00:59:01.500
to the chest. And then I'm really one of the118800:59:01.559 --> 00:59:04.340
first in my arena to.118900:59:03.590 --> 00:59:04.300
Go through this.119000:59:05.230 --> 00:59:08.389
So it's hard for the worst nightmare to show up119100:59:08.489 --> 00:59:11.599
to go out to party or hang out. And so119200:59:12.000 --> 00:59:13.599
there were a lot of things that I did by119300:59:13.639 --> 00:59:18.940
myself in my by myself-ness that nobody would ever need to.119400:59:20.010 --> 00:59:20.510
Who would know?119500:59:23.329 --> 00:59:28.550
That being, that said, I'm recently changed and switched to119600:59:28.710 --> 00:59:30.949
more healthy ways. And one of those healthy ways is119700:59:31.010 --> 00:59:35.070
coming from this podcast. People are being more vulnerable with me.119800:59:35.789 --> 00:59:35.929
Oh.119900:59:36.550 --> 00:59:39.070
And I match that share.120000:59:39.090 --> 00:59:40.130
Okay.120100:59:40.409 --> 00:59:43.469
Literally, I had a person reach out and tell me, look,120200:59:43.510 --> 00:59:44.849
this is what my day was like.120300:59:44.909 --> 00:59:47.889
And I said, you know what? Since you shared, I'm120400:59:47.909 --> 00:59:48.380
going to share.120500:59:48.530 --> 00:59:50.610
Oh, and you did that to me. You texted like,120600:59:50.639 --> 00:59:52.280
this is what my day is going to be like.120700:59:53.239 --> 00:59:55.039
You did that earlier this week or a couple of120800:59:55.059 --> 00:59:55.460
days ago.120900:59:56.320 --> 00:59:56.579
Okay.121000:59:57.500 --> 00:59:57.940
I can see.121100:59:58.559 --> 01:00:00.019
That's where I'm at. Yeah.121201:00:02.099 --> 01:00:05.800
I think the show coming out, even though I've been121301:00:05.860 --> 01:00:07.750
a podcaster and stuff like that, I think the show121401:00:07.809 --> 01:00:10.150
coming out does make me feel like I'm on a121501:00:10.230 --> 01:00:16.880
path towards something. Like I really needed to allow militantly121601:00:16.909 --> 01:00:19.920
mixed to be complete so that I could get to this.121701:00:20.000 --> 01:00:22.969
And now that that's both, these things have happened. I121801:00:22.989 --> 01:00:26.489
allowed militantly mixed to be complete and I am moving121901:00:26.530 --> 01:00:30.599
forward on this. I've gone into like hardcore productive mode122001:00:30.659 --> 01:00:33.460
and I have not been very productive in quite a while.122101:00:33.539 --> 01:00:37.760
And so I know you can tell from my messages122201:00:37.780 --> 01:00:40.969
this week, like I'm working pretty often on something, some122301:00:41.070 --> 01:00:45.130
element of this backend stuff or whatever the website is122401:00:45.170 --> 01:00:47.949
now done. So if anybody wants to check it out,122501:00:48.210 --> 01:00:53.159
stay at home widow.com, you can, gets access to the episodes.122601:00:54.659 --> 01:00:56.780
We set us up on Spotify.122701:00:56.800 --> 01:00:59.519
We're on Spotify and Apple and all of those things now.122801:00:59.579 --> 01:01:02.690
So you can go directly to those podcasters or you122901:01:02.710 --> 01:01:04.530
can go to our website and click it and it'll123001:01:04.550 --> 01:01:08.269
send you that way. I created a membership tab. So123101:01:08.289 --> 01:01:10.030
if you want to support the show and help us123201:01:10.570 --> 01:01:13.630
with production costs and everything like that, I put that up.123301:01:14.769 --> 01:01:17.250
I'm currently working on a resources tab that will have123401:01:17.510 --> 01:01:19.690
some of the books and stuff that I've read and123501:01:19.949 --> 01:01:21.989
any of the tools and stuff that you'll have will123601:01:22.030 --> 01:01:24.650
go on there as well. But that, that part's in,123701:01:24.909 --> 01:01:28.210
you know, in process at the moment. But, you know,123801:01:28.230 --> 01:01:30.570
it was like getting the logistics stuff up, like, you know,123901:01:30.590 --> 01:01:33.389
the YouTube stuff and, you know, all that kind of stuff.124001:01:33.409 --> 01:01:36.409
I've been actively working on it in, in a kind124101:01:36.429 --> 01:01:38.679
of an intense way that I haven't been like in124201:01:38.699 --> 01:01:40.619
a while. And I'm not even sure I was fully124301:01:40.659 --> 01:01:43.579
like this with militantly mixed because in the beginning, these124401:01:43.619 --> 01:01:48.559
resources didn't exist, you know, podcasting resources. weren't the same124501:01:48.619 --> 01:01:51.139
eight years ago as they are now. So there's a124601:01:51.179 --> 01:01:56.329
lot more stuff to do now, unfortunately. So this show124701:01:56.349 --> 01:01:59.010
has allowed me to be quite a bit more productive124801:01:59.050 --> 01:02:04.010
this week. I've also taken at least five showers this week.124901:02:05.739 --> 01:02:08.659
Two were on the same day, but, you know, like,125001:02:09.440 --> 01:02:11.800
that kind of has come out of this too. Cause like,125101:02:11.840 --> 01:02:13.579
if I know I'm about to be on camera, okay,125201:02:13.619 --> 01:02:15.409
that means something that's going to get it.125301:02:15.429 --> 01:02:16.889
That's what I told you. I said, I said, I'm125401:02:16.909 --> 01:02:18.989
going to soak right up until the time.125501:02:19.170 --> 01:02:23.030
And yeah, yeah. Water, water is, water is lit.125601:02:23.269 --> 01:02:26.110
Yeah. As a grieving person. I moved to Seattle because125701:02:26.130 --> 01:02:26.610
I was. Yeah.125801:02:26.670 --> 01:02:29.590
Water is, I look, water is lit.125901:02:29.630 --> 01:02:32.719
If you're grieving right now, find your water, whether it's126001:02:32.760 --> 01:02:36.920
an ocean, a Creek, the rain, the tub, the shower.126101:02:36.940 --> 01:02:43.889
Yeah. Actually, the original artwork I used before I had126201:02:46.630 --> 01:02:49.110
kind of started to talk to you more about what126301:02:49.150 --> 01:02:51.780
I wanted to do was originally just an ocean, like126401:02:51.820 --> 01:02:52.480
an endless ocean.126501:02:52.500 --> 01:02:53.800
Is that right? Yeah.126601:02:55.030 --> 01:02:57.849
I think I pulled away from it a little bit126701:02:57.889 --> 01:03:00.449
because I couldn't find the right ocean. It was either126801:03:00.469 --> 01:03:02.769
going to be a too happy ocean or too sad ocean.126901:03:02.789 --> 01:03:04.369
I couldn't find that happy medium.127001:03:05.329 --> 01:03:06.789
You're all happy ocean.127101:03:07.070 --> 01:03:09.250
Yeah. And then I started watching a couple of the127201:03:09.309 --> 01:03:12.329
episodes of the fallout show on Amazon and Tristan used127301:03:12.349 --> 01:03:15.150
to play that game, you know, and I was like,127401:03:15.190 --> 01:03:21.199
you know what? There is a aesthetic that the post-apocalyptic127501:03:21.460 --> 01:03:24.800
world that's 1950 style is And with this idea of127601:03:24.860 --> 01:03:29.280
like stay at home, it, you know, like clicked into127701:03:29.320 --> 01:03:31.559
place and I was like, oh, okay. So this like127801:03:32.420 --> 01:03:37.050
kind of domestic, but broken down society artwork really started127901:03:37.070 --> 01:03:39.769
to shine for me. And so I started sharing it128001:03:39.809 --> 01:03:41.920
with you thinking like, when I first shared it to you,128101:03:41.929 --> 01:03:43.750
I was like, oh, you're going to, you're going to128201:03:43.769 --> 01:03:47.389
kick back. I'm like, what the fuck? But yeah.128301:03:47.409 --> 01:03:49.170
I have one change. I have one change.128401:03:49.289 --> 01:03:53.190
Yeah. Is the Monstera. The Monstera. Monstera.128501:03:53.730 --> 01:03:54.510
Yeah.128601:03:55.630 --> 01:03:58.269
Yeah. So yeah. So so far, this has been a128701:03:58.289 --> 01:04:02.929
lot more productive of a week for me. And I128801:04:03.090 --> 01:04:05.530
feel like what I talked about last week about like128901:04:05.610 --> 01:04:08.650
it taking me so long. I mean, look, like emotionally,129001:04:08.730 --> 01:04:11.389
we have been a lot more regulated this episode than129101:04:11.409 --> 01:04:13.159
we were last time. Of course, that was our first129201:04:13.260 --> 01:04:16.679
real big face, like kind of face to face on129301:04:16.699 --> 01:04:20.159
camera anyway. Like we've talked on the phone, but we129401:04:20.199 --> 01:04:20.619
haven't done.129501:04:21.340 --> 01:04:22.260
I haven't seen you.129601:04:22.559 --> 01:04:25.039
Yeah, we haven't seen each other. So I think that129701:04:25.139 --> 01:04:29.500
added to the extra emotion last time. Today, I already129801:04:29.559 --> 01:04:33.300
had an earlier time of day cry because I was.129901:04:33.340 --> 01:04:36.619
Me too! You know. Me too. On my knees. Look,130001:04:36.679 --> 01:04:41.860
on my knees all the way. Just... I miss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.130101:04:42.059 --> 01:04:45.820
Oh, yeah. For me, it was the philosophy stuff and130201:04:45.840 --> 01:04:48.090
that related to the dark matter because I was recording130301:04:48.110 --> 01:04:50.449
that with my friend and I was like, don't cry130401:04:50.530 --> 01:04:55.199
for fucking TV show philosophy, but it's literally what Tristan130501:04:55.219 --> 01:04:57.960
did for a living. And it's, it's forcing me to130601:04:58.000 --> 01:05:00.500
be like all those conversations that I would be like, uh-huh.130701:05:00.539 --> 01:05:03.079
I'm paying attention, you know? And now I'm like, oh shit.130801:05:03.119 --> 01:05:05.800
I actually remember some of this stuff. So I had130901:05:05.840 --> 01:05:06.880
some tears about that.131001:05:07.139 --> 01:05:08.679
The professor, he was.131101:05:08.800 --> 01:05:12.280
Yeah. I'm referring to myself as like professor by proxy131201:05:12.420 --> 01:05:15.159
on that show because I'm like breaking down space time131301:05:15.260 --> 01:05:18.400
and philosophy and shit like that, which is, wild that131401:05:18.440 --> 01:05:21.739
i remember as much as i remember now because i131501:05:21.780 --> 01:05:24.019
can't remember why i walked into the kitchen and the131601:05:24.059 --> 01:05:27.199
kitchen in my living room is the same room i131701:05:27.219 --> 01:05:31.000
live in a very tiny apartment so that didn't take131801:05:31.039 --> 01:05:34.780
long yeah so it's just it's kind of weird that131901:05:34.840 --> 01:05:36.699
sort of stuff so i think that's helped in terms132001:05:36.739 --> 01:05:41.650
of being emotional today on this recording um but you132101:05:41.690 --> 01:05:43.510
know sometimes we're going to get into some shit and132201:05:43.530 --> 01:05:47.090
it's going to be heavy or whatever Um, but thank132301:05:47.110 --> 01:05:49.329
you to everybody who's watched so far. I think so132401:05:49.369 --> 01:05:51.849
far as majority have been people who have known us.132501:05:52.550 --> 01:05:55.010
And so, and they may or may not have known132601:05:55.050 --> 01:05:57.380
our person too. And so that's when a lot of132701:05:57.400 --> 01:06:01.239
the con contact, um, there have been a few people that, uh,132801:06:01.900 --> 01:06:04.719
are people I don't necessarily directly know, but they follow132901:06:04.800 --> 01:06:07.699
some one show or another that I've been on and stuff. And,133001:06:08.460 --> 01:06:09.820
and I, there was only one person that was a133101:06:10.000 --> 01:06:12.960
full ass stranger to me that was commenting on our thing.133201:06:13.000 --> 01:06:16.289
And I think they're just trying to sell us a service. Um, Oh, nice.133301:06:16.429 --> 01:06:20.030
But they were still commenting, so engage. We'll take it.133401:06:21.429 --> 01:06:24.300
But yeah, thank you to everybody who's watching. This is133501:06:25.699 --> 01:06:28.599
really an unplanned journey because we don't really know how133601:06:28.619 --> 01:06:31.320
we're going to do this all the time. It might133701:06:31.360 --> 01:06:35.539
change over time. But for now, I think knowing that133801:06:35.599 --> 01:06:41.889
we have created this outlet for ourselves, what's been missing133901:06:41.969 --> 01:06:46.599
over the last two years has really been like a134001:06:46.739 --> 01:06:50.480
continuous contact, you know, we've, we've, we have check-ins and134101:06:50.519 --> 01:06:55.300
stuff like that, but we, we hadn't really been like134201:06:55.519 --> 01:06:57.929
two pillars of support for each other type of thing.134301:06:57.969 --> 01:07:02.210
And I think that is definitely been helpful to have134401:07:02.269 --> 01:07:05.190
over the last month or so for sure for me anyway,134501:07:05.489 --> 01:07:10.469
but everybody, please follow us on like click subscribe wherever134601:07:10.530 --> 01:07:12.679
you are listening and are watching us. Cause that'll make134701:07:12.719 --> 01:07:16.179
a difference for us. Because we are starting this from scratch, obviously,134801:07:16.199 --> 01:07:18.539
you know, you're going to have those two followers, five134901:07:18.599 --> 01:07:21.750
followers or whatever. The more you follow, the more people135001:07:21.769 --> 01:07:24.090
will have access to us. Hopefully someone who would actually135101:07:24.190 --> 01:07:24.730
need this.135201:07:24.750 --> 01:07:25.730
Yes.135301:07:25.750 --> 01:07:28.550
I'm sure you know a griever. You have to have135401:07:28.610 --> 01:07:31.789
known a griever. And this might be a nice tool135501:07:31.909 --> 01:07:34.389
or a helpful resource for them as well, because that135601:07:34.469 --> 01:07:37.880
is always a goal of a lot of the type135701:07:37.920 --> 01:07:39.460
of people you and I are. But the type of135801:07:39.480 --> 01:07:41.539
work that we do tends to be of service people.135901:07:42.929 --> 01:07:45.219
It tends to be of service to others.136001:07:45.539 --> 01:07:49.739
Yeah. So help us do that. And still don't have136101:07:49.780 --> 01:07:53.119
a proper closer yet, but we'll get there. We'll get there.136201:07:53.659 --> 01:07:56.389
We're open. That's what matters.136301:07:56.550 --> 01:08:00.130
Yeah, there we are. So thank you, everybody.136401:08:00.429 --> 01:08:01.010
Thank you.136501:08:01.769 --> 01:08:05.630
Well, now that's our show. Around here, we know grief136601:08:05.690 --> 01:08:09.639
is a lot like laundry. You don't finish it. You136701:08:09.679 --> 01:08:13.210
just keep finding more of it. Some days you fold it,136801:08:13.670 --> 01:08:16.649
and some days it folds you. But the bills still136901:08:16.670 --> 01:08:21.810
need paying, those dishes still need washing, and somehow tomorrow137001:08:21.869 --> 01:08:23.409
still expects us to show up.137101:08:24.680 --> 01:08:29.300
But that's all right. We'll keep connecting the dots. We'll137201:08:29.359 --> 01:08:33.359
keep carrying both the grief and the joy.137301:08:34.319 --> 01:08:37.479
This is Stay at Home Widow, navigating the fuckery of137401:08:37.520 --> 01:08:39.319
grief one load at a time.137501:08:40.119 --> 01:08:42.420
Join us on the first Wednesday of every month.137601:08:43.399 --> 01:08:46.109
And until then, be gentle with yourself.
Deezer 
Podcast Addict 
Podchaser