Widows in the Wild

WEBVTT

1
00:00:36.969 --> 00:00:39.399
Hey y'all, Charmaine Fury. I just want to jump in

2
00:00:39.409 --> 00:00:42.000
real quick. Before we get into episode four of Stay

3
00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:43.979
at Home Widow, I want to give you a quick

4
00:00:44.020 --> 00:00:47.399
heads up about the audio. We ran into some technical

5
00:00:47.460 --> 00:00:50.679
difficulties while recording at the resort, but LaVonna and I

6
00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:52.880
had such a great conversation that I really don't want

7
00:00:52.909 --> 00:00:55.350
to lose it. I did my best to clean up

8
00:00:55.390 --> 00:00:58.350
the audio, but there are still moments when I sound

9
00:00:58.429 --> 00:01:01.570
a little bit like I'm underwater. You'll hear it occasionally

10
00:01:01.630 --> 00:01:04.030
with LaVonna too, but most of the issues are on

11
00:01:04.150 --> 00:01:07.370
my end. I hope that you can look past the

12
00:01:07.430 --> 00:01:10.329
audio hiccups and still enjoy the conversation because it was

13
00:01:10.370 --> 00:01:15.530
a good one. I will include the transcript on the stayathomewidow.com

14
00:01:15.569 --> 00:01:19.640
website on the episode page. It should be better next time.

15
00:01:20.019 --> 00:01:22.819
Thank you for your patience. And thank you for either

16
00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:25.280
watching or listening to Stay at Home Widow.

17
00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:28.200
Welcome to Stay at Home Widow, the podcast where two

18
00:01:28.219 --> 00:01:32.290
flamboyant friends talk about rebuilding our lives after the sudden

19
00:01:32.329 --> 00:01:35.189
and unexpected deaths of our husbands and maneuvering the plumbery

20
00:01:35.209 --> 00:01:35.530
of grief.

21
00:01:36.140 --> 00:01:39.920
I am Charmaine Curious. I live on the river. We

22
00:01:39.980 --> 00:01:42.400
are widows speaking from our Oakland experiences.

23
00:01:42.459 --> 00:01:46.319
We are not therapists, life coaches, medical professionals, or grief experts.

24
00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.620
Anything that sounds like advice is simply just sharing what

25
00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:51.859
has worked for us, what has not worked for us,

26
00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.650
and what we are still going to hate. Everyone's grief

27
00:01:54.689 --> 00:01:56.590
is different, and nothing we say is meant to be

28
00:01:56.750 --> 00:02:00.810
absolute facts for every grief experience. If you have been

29
00:02:00.829 --> 00:02:02.969
watching us for a little while and haven't subscribed yet,

30
00:02:03.109 --> 00:02:05.150
come on and make it official. We are building a

31
00:02:05.189 --> 00:02:08.490
community where we can talk openly about grief, widowers, and

32
00:02:08.509 --> 00:02:09.930
all the fuckery that comes with it.

33
00:02:10.009 --> 00:02:14.259
Subscribe and you don't want to miss our next conversation. So,

34
00:02:14.659 --> 00:02:16.039
sorry I had to read that on my phone. I

35
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:20.659
memorized it. Yeah, it's a lie. Today, you might.

36
00:02:20.539 --> 00:02:25.400
Notice we are in a different location than normal. And

37
00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:27.319
it's also the first time we have seen each other

38
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:29.599
in person in five years. Right.

39
00:02:30.370 --> 00:02:32.969
But we are being widows in the wild right now.

40
00:02:33.719 --> 00:02:36.919
And we are at a resort.

41
00:02:37.340 --> 00:02:38.840
I don't want to say what it is.

42
00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:44.219
We are at a resort in the Keys, the Florida Keys.

43
00:02:44.280 --> 00:02:45.939
That's close enough. That's close enough.

44
00:02:46.379 --> 00:02:49.289
And we've been having ourselves a little bit of a

45
00:02:49.349 --> 00:02:50.430
getaway together.

46
00:02:50.710 --> 00:02:54.270
So we thought today we would talk about, I guess, being.

47
00:02:54.050 --> 00:02:56.629
Widows in the wild. Yeah, we are officially the widows

48
00:02:56.710 --> 00:02:59.569
in the wild. Usually we're meeting a widow while we're

49
00:02:59.669 --> 00:03:02.490
in the wild. But now we are going to spend

50
00:03:02.550 --> 00:03:02.889
a while.

51
00:03:02.909 --> 00:03:07.169
And I'll cut through some images of what we have

52
00:03:07.349 --> 00:03:10.159
experienced while we've been here throughout the episode.

53
00:03:10.199 --> 00:03:12.860
But this may be our first time we've seen each

54
00:03:12.919 --> 00:03:15.159
other in a very long time.

55
00:03:16.259 --> 00:03:18.050
You got to catch up. We got to catch up.

56
00:03:18.770 --> 00:03:21.770
We also have both experienced panic for them are reasonable.

57
00:03:22.250 --> 00:03:22.610
Oh, yeah.

58
00:03:23.449 --> 00:03:25.870
I'm going to go into that when panic strikes. So

59
00:03:25.889 --> 00:03:28.169
we both have separate masks. We got these new shirts.

60
00:03:28.229 --> 00:03:31.370
We got logo shirts, which I'm already sweating through. I

61
00:03:31.610 --> 00:03:34.389
can see. It's a little better, y'all. It's a bit warm.

62
00:03:34.930 --> 00:03:35.610
Just a little bit.

63
00:03:35.650 --> 00:03:36.810
Just a little bit.

64
00:03:36.830 --> 00:03:39.849
So where do you want to start? Well, let me

65
00:03:39.870 --> 00:03:42.430
just start with saying it's very good to see you

66
00:03:42.550 --> 00:03:46.400
in person. A lot of the emotions that we bond

67
00:03:46.460 --> 00:03:50.500
were having it happening through the phone and not being

68
00:03:50.620 --> 00:03:53.939
able to, like, not necessarily reach out and touch you. Yeah,

69
00:03:53.979 --> 00:03:56.300
but the energy that I feel when I'm close to

70
00:03:56.360 --> 00:03:58.379
you is totally different than being on the phone.

71
00:03:58.400 --> 00:03:58.840
I agree.

72
00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:01.409
I feel like I can be a better friend in person,

73
00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:06.629
you know, in school, than I have been just virtually.

74
00:04:06.770 --> 00:04:09.229
You kind of trick yourself into thinking that the virtual

75
00:04:09.289 --> 00:04:12.030
is a mess. Yeah, and so that is the same connection,

76
00:04:12.090 --> 00:04:13.460
but it actually really is.

77
00:04:13.569 --> 00:04:19.769
And I don't really... Well, for me, you.

78
00:04:21.990 --> 00:04:24.269
Like, it really has felt like no time has passed,

79
00:04:25.100 --> 00:04:27.620
even though we haven't physically been in the same room

80
00:04:27.660 --> 00:04:32.759
in a very long time. And also, seeing you, a person,

81
00:04:32.819 --> 00:04:35.360
is triggering memories that were kind of locked away. You know,

82
00:04:35.379 --> 00:04:37.680
we would go up there during the day. Fog and

83
00:04:37.699 --> 00:04:42.040
shit like that. And I just feel like there's, like,

84
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:43.819
I can picture us at the house. I can picture

85
00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:46.579
us in the backyard. Like, things that I haven't maybe

86
00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:47.680
acted in week of the felt.

87
00:04:48.189 --> 00:04:50.970
We're just kind of naturally coughing up. Yeah. Because you're

88
00:04:51.029 --> 00:04:55.769
sitting in front of me. But, like, more memories.

89
00:04:56.550 --> 00:04:56.810
Yeah.

90
00:04:56.930 --> 00:05:00.350
Like, us being able to reconnect and talk. More memories

91
00:05:00.410 --> 00:05:05.009
about our era. And what we had outside of our era.

92
00:05:05.410 --> 00:05:09.060
Because of... Which is kind of a bringing back to Vana.

93
00:05:09.209 --> 00:05:13.420
It's kind of a reconnection to Vana. Yeah, the rediscovery. Yeah,

94
00:05:13.500 --> 00:05:16.019
it's like, you are part of the Vana before all

95
00:05:16.040 --> 00:05:17.160
of it. Right.

96
00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:21.629
Because that is one thing that I haven't... I haven't

97
00:05:21.670 --> 00:05:25.430
reconciled yet whether I want to be a new main.

98
00:05:26.490 --> 00:05:27.790
You could be part of me as a new main

99
00:05:27.810 --> 00:05:29.939
because I have no choice, right? My first one died

100
00:05:29.980 --> 00:05:32.420
in front of me. I got no choice. But part

101
00:05:32.459 --> 00:05:34.680
of it is also like, what was I fighting to

102
00:05:34.699 --> 00:05:38.399
hold on to? And what am I then like releasing

103
00:05:38.420 --> 00:05:42.279
down my leg? And I think that I was getting

104
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:44.500
to a place where I thought, I'll never be the same.

105
00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:48.180
So just move forward with whatever this version of main is.

106
00:05:49.139 --> 00:05:49.779
But I think we.

107
00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:55.439
in your, like, close proximity or whatever. It is kind

108
00:05:55.490 --> 00:05:58.810
of some of the natural things from the past. And

109
00:05:59.149 --> 00:06:01.990
mind you, I mean, our adult relationship has been really

110
00:06:03.189 --> 00:06:04.829
in-person spy, you know?

111
00:06:05.029 --> 00:06:07.410
We haven't lived in the same city. We haven't lived

112
00:06:07.529 --> 00:06:08.129
in the same.

113
00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:17.620
State in 20-something years. Like, I left California in 2005.

114
00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:22.579
I left California in 2004.

115
00:06:22.579 --> 00:06:24.339
And so, oh, you flew back from my weddish?

116
00:06:25.300 --> 00:06:29.120
No, I didn't. I was visiting. Oh, I didn't realize that.

117
00:06:29.459 --> 00:06:33.220
So, yeah, like, since then, it's whenever we happen to

118
00:06:33.259 --> 00:06:35.439
be in the same place at the same time, and

119
00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:38.439
you see Tristan separate from me because he went back

120
00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:39.879
home and I didn't.

121
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.220
No, we saw you in Phoenix a couple times.

122
00:06:42.300 --> 00:06:45.089
He came out with the boss to say, But again,

123
00:06:45.110 --> 00:06:45.649
that's like.

124
00:06:45.769 --> 00:06:48.889
A handful of times, 25 years.

125
00:06:48.889 --> 00:06:53.569
26 years. So that's what makes it kind of big, though,

126
00:06:53.680 --> 00:07:00.079
because our visits before, like the last time I saw you, university, yeah.

127
00:07:00.139 --> 00:07:03.850
Just in there, yeah. And for me, I never, that's

128
00:07:03.910 --> 00:07:06.899
a meet friend first of all. He jumped him on

129
00:07:06.930 --> 00:07:07.459
the phone.

130
00:07:07.310 --> 00:07:08.790
A couple times. He, like, made him get on the

131
00:07:08.810 --> 00:07:10.850
phone with some of the guys he met. Yeah.

132
00:07:11.350 --> 00:07:14.089
And on a video chat, he had cognoscente, stuff like that.

133
00:07:14.110 --> 00:07:17.470
So it's not like I felt unfamiliar. It was more just,

134
00:07:18.490 --> 00:07:20.910
I think for you, it converted me.

135
00:07:21.269 --> 00:07:24.949
You know who I lost. In your own way, in our,

136
00:07:25.029 --> 00:07:28.930
you know, Charmaine and Tristan way. For you, the way

137
00:07:28.970 --> 00:07:29.870
I could cover.

138
00:07:29.629 --> 00:07:32.629
You is disconnected from who he is and more about

139
00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:38.120
my telling of you. But I think it's an interesting dynamic,

140
00:07:38.180 --> 00:07:40.139
like with the weird different kind of things.

141
00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:43.399
I think it's one that helps keep her in Washington, though.

142
00:07:43.540 --> 00:07:43.819
Yeah.

143
00:07:43.980 --> 00:07:46.519
Helps you get from experience to experiences together.

144
00:07:46.620 --> 00:07:46.860
Yeah.

145
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:50.160
We don't have to have the same art you relate to.

146
00:07:50.180 --> 00:07:51.439
It's like, rest days.

147
00:07:51.459 --> 00:07:55.959
Because there's absolutely aspects of our living. Both being widows,

148
00:07:56.240 --> 00:07:58.350
both losing our husbands, the way that we lost that

149
00:07:58.370 --> 00:08:01.629
we can identify with each other. I think also just

150
00:08:01.649 --> 00:08:03.879
by nature. how long we've known each other, there's certain

151
00:08:03.899 --> 00:08:05.980
things we can identify even though we have the experience.

152
00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:11.759
But I think also, you can't help but think of

153
00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:14.290
your experience as the experience.

154
00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:17.129
And so you beat someone who is in the same boat,

155
00:08:17.170 --> 00:08:23.029
but completely different. But I think the.

156
00:08:22.990 --> 00:08:26.040
Difference of us being a person together versus being on

157
00:08:26.060 --> 00:08:30.100
a phone, well, okay, I think the way I, Probably,

158
00:08:30.139 --> 00:08:31.899
if you come in, you can tell me a lot,

159
00:08:31.939 --> 00:08:34.240
but the way that I can speak.

160
00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:38.120
To you is you can teach me who Rap was.

161
00:08:38.889 --> 00:08:41.970
And then you get to be talking about this person

162
00:08:41.990 --> 00:08:43.149
that you love and everything.

163
00:08:43.389 --> 00:08:45.149
Because that's what we kind of miss. That's what we

164
00:08:45.169 --> 00:08:49.049
stop talking about. Exactly. I can bring him up in

165
00:08:49.090 --> 00:08:54.070
the moments. Like, for example, we came to the Cleveland Keys. Hello, Dragonfly. Hi, Firefly.

166
00:08:54.230 --> 00:08:57.250
Which is crazy because we've been talking about Dragonflies. He's

167
00:08:57.350 --> 00:08:59.740
all up in it, too. Yeah. We both have a

168
00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:02.309
connection to Dragon Quest. Wow. It's kind of crazy, isn't it?

169
00:09:02.360 --> 00:09:05.740
It's very crazy. It's this close. And it's just hanging out.

170
00:09:05.820 --> 00:09:06.039
Yep.

171
00:09:06.659 --> 00:09:07.059
All right.

172
00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:13.360
I get these. That's fantastic. Well, that was the thing.

173
00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.279
The Keys was one of our vacation spots. Well, my

174
00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:20.259
weekend here was. I wondered what those memories would be like.

175
00:09:20.299 --> 00:09:22.179
But I've been able to be here with you and

176
00:09:22.230 --> 00:09:24.929
say that. Yeah, we had a Keys experience. We had

177
00:09:24.950 --> 00:09:28.549
a Keys sunset. Yeah. You know, and now my Keys sunset.

178
00:09:29.149 --> 00:09:31.669
The acknowledging of birds that I see, how he used

179
00:09:31.700 --> 00:09:34.340
to bird watch, I can bring him up.

180
00:09:34.519 --> 00:09:34.799
Yeah.

181
00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:37.700
And you get to know him in that way. Yeah.

182
00:09:38.379 --> 00:09:41.740
Do people that didn't know Trish, I've talked to, know them,

183
00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:45.470
like thanked me for sharing him a little bit with them.

184
00:09:45.509 --> 00:09:48.450
And I feel I didn't get that. So now I

185
00:09:48.470 --> 00:09:53.210
get it because I'm learning about him. I'm still learning

186
00:09:53.250 --> 00:09:56.090
about like the version of you, who you became.

187
00:09:56.669 --> 00:09:57.149
Jeunesse.

188
00:09:57.750 --> 00:09:59.850
Which is a different border than I don't schlep.

189
00:10:00.539 --> 00:10:05.980
A child forgotten. A teenage one. Together. First.

190
00:10:06.299 --> 00:10:06.539
Like.

191
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:10.340
Father. And now. Oh.

192
00:10:10.360 --> 00:10:10.440
Yeah.

193
00:10:10.460 --> 00:10:15.450
Do you see some differences in how I am? Subtle.

194
00:10:20.669 --> 00:10:23.309
It's hard to part them because isn't you being an

195
00:10:23.370 --> 00:10:25.029
adult and we haven't seen each other in a long time.

196
00:10:25.090 --> 00:10:27.169
Is it you? I mean, I will say that you

197
00:10:27.269 --> 00:10:29.490
are a happier. The biggest thing is.

198
00:10:29.470 --> 00:10:33.590
That you were a happier Vonna when he was your

199
00:10:33.629 --> 00:10:39.370
partner and you're a creeping, but happier Vonna even today,

200
00:10:39.450 --> 00:10:40.889
even still because he had it.

201
00:10:41.090 --> 00:10:45.509
Yeah. Because coming up with your other relationship.

202
00:10:46.740 --> 00:10:48.580
The version of you, I mean, I don't know what

203
00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:50.820
your heaviest level was, but it wasn't this. Right.

204
00:10:51.460 --> 00:10:55.860
So whatever he lit up in you. Unsustaining. And it

205
00:10:55.919 --> 00:10:59.080
is different. It is different than you secure it. The

206
00:10:59.139 --> 00:11:02.799
other partners that know I'm trying, like, we'll be teammates. Yeah, sorry.

207
00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:05.940
I'm sorry. And me, I was just with the same

208
00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:08.740
team for a long time, so I don't know.

209
00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:12.480
The versions of me with Pam have been friend and

210
00:11:12.519 --> 00:11:15.629
then partner, but then also, like, the two struggles of

211
00:11:15.669 --> 00:11:19.629
marriage and staying together, all that kind of sense of like,

212
00:11:21.929 --> 00:11:24.700
I think my light, them, the lottoes, they amplify it

213
00:11:25.460 --> 00:11:26.360
before you die.

214
00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.039
And now I don't know what temperature monitoring is right now.

215
00:11:30.899 --> 00:11:33.379
It oxy. Can I tell you what I feel suddenly?

216
00:11:33.639 --> 00:11:33.840
Yeah.

217
00:11:34.220 --> 00:11:38.720
Uh, strength. And I hate to throw the strong king

218
00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:42.230
on you. I really do. But in, in the days

219
00:11:42.309 --> 00:11:46.240
of these spending each other, uh, The way you stand

220
00:11:46.299 --> 00:11:52.470
in your emotions. This is such a weird version of being, right?

221
00:11:52.610 --> 00:11:56.649
I can't. And seeing it live. Because we had our

222
00:11:56.970 --> 00:12:02.100
medic woman that we'll share. One, I usually don't hug.

223
00:12:02.940 --> 00:12:05.399
And when we hug each other, we embrace. Well, no.

224
00:12:05.580 --> 00:12:07.340
I hug you because I know.

225
00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:07.700
You've held on.

226
00:12:09.330 --> 00:12:11.649
I don't know if you realize that. I've never had

227
00:12:11.710 --> 00:12:16.460
a whole doing. Oh, sure. Usually it's reading. But yesterday

228
00:12:16.580 --> 00:12:17.669
it was me.

229
00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:21.299
More like a rover in the past. I'm just weird

230
00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:23.879
about one. I'm not going to say I'm weird about it.

231
00:12:24.600 --> 00:12:26.080
I know I've been told I was weird about it.

232
00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:30.679
But touch has become a strength. Thank her meal for

233
00:12:30.700 --> 00:12:36.179
some my relationship. You know, I'm very Jackie's training. I'm

234
00:12:36.259 --> 00:12:40.179
nodding super visible affectionate. With him, I begin a lot

235
00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:44.980
more affectionate. But then it depends on the relationship, how level,

236
00:12:46.059 --> 00:12:46.860
what my level.

237
00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:50.120
Of affection is. But I didn't realize I never held

238
00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:54.580
on to her. That was my first one. That's crazy.

239
00:12:54.899 --> 00:12:56.759
Yeah, but that was like I was kind of holding

240
00:12:56.820 --> 00:12:57.980
on for dear life to.

241
00:12:57.899 --> 00:13:05.200
Prove we were there. Yeah, but this thing, I never

242
00:13:05.240 --> 00:13:10.389
was like this. Like, I don't know. I doubt I ever. Right. No,

243
00:13:10.490 --> 00:13:13.250
I've never seen it. Never.

244
00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:15.879
I don't think I've signed up for it in this way.

245
00:13:16.019 --> 00:13:19.679
They're babies. Like, literally babies.

246
00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:20.100
Right.

247
00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:22.460
Next to each other, side by side. So I don't

248
00:13:22.500 --> 00:13:23.679
know how many people have cried.

249
00:13:23.559 --> 00:13:27.480
In front of Iyer to finish, but now everybody can

250
00:13:27.500 --> 00:13:27.789
get it.

251
00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:30.779
Strangers. People who have known me forever.

252
00:13:30.940 --> 00:13:32.820
And people who have known me forever usually do, like,

253
00:13:33.730 --> 00:13:35.049
It's almost like they don't know what to do with

254
00:13:35.070 --> 00:13:36.129
it because they've never.

255
00:13:36.070 --> 00:13:37.190
Seen me this way.

256
00:13:37.210 --> 00:13:42.220
And I mean, shit, I almost did myself, but talk

257
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:43.320
through it till it goes away.

258
00:13:43.559 --> 00:13:46.980
And that's what I've heard. Talk through it, name it.

259
00:13:47.620 --> 00:13:51.039
In my moment of panic that I had that will

260
00:13:51.120 --> 00:13:56.279
steep on, I cried in front of a stranger. And

261
00:13:56.320 --> 00:13:59.600
I had to name my abortion because the person was

262
00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.529
reading it differently. And I had to say, like, I'm

263
00:14:02.750 --> 00:14:03.450
in a panic.

264
00:14:03.629 --> 00:14:03.870
Right.

265
00:14:04.009 --> 00:14:04.309
Yeah.

266
00:14:04.330 --> 00:14:08.690
I am in a panic. And the tears flow. Well,

267
00:14:08.710 --> 00:14:10.149
we could talk about that a little bit. Are you

268
00:14:10.210 --> 00:14:11.169
comfortable with sharing?

269
00:14:11.250 --> 00:14:11.409
Yep.

270
00:14:11.470 --> 00:14:12.090
Okay.

271
00:14:12.970 --> 00:14:17.580
So, our scheduled time together was from the 29th through

272
00:14:17.639 --> 00:14:18.220
the 30th.

273
00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:21.299
Well, for this trip, it's the 29th through the 31st, right?

274
00:14:21.460 --> 00:14:23.860
It was the 28th. The 28th through the 31st. The

275
00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:28.259
29th is what I thought. We confirmed the day before. Literally.

276
00:14:29.210 --> 00:14:34.440
She wrote, tomorrow. In the message. We confirm what time.

277
00:14:35.460 --> 00:14:37.019
I was at a different hotel because I was in

278
00:14:37.059 --> 00:14:40.419
Miami for a couple of days solo for an event.

279
00:14:41.419 --> 00:14:42.690
Remember the time you're going to be there.

280
00:14:42.710 --> 00:14:45.610
I was like, okay, I'll force myself awake because you

281
00:14:45.649 --> 00:14:47.029
notice I get up right.

282
00:14:47.590 --> 00:14:50.570
Force myself awake so I can be ready. Nine o'clock

283
00:14:50.590 --> 00:14:51.269
goes around.

284
00:14:51.289 --> 00:14:55.240
I messaged you like, I'm going to go.

285
00:14:55.409 --> 00:14:57.779
I'm going to get dressed and then I'll wait for

286
00:14:57.820 --> 00:14:58.440
you for breakfast.

287
00:14:59.159 --> 00:15:01.840
And then 10 o'clock, I'm about to go get breakfast

288
00:15:01.879 --> 00:15:03.659
because I don't want to run out.

289
00:15:03.700 --> 00:15:05.120
So just let me know.

290
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:07.179
And then by the time I get back from breakfast,

291
00:15:07.500 --> 00:15:11.059
I've now messaged you for about two and a half hours.

292
00:15:11.419 --> 00:15:14.750
And I wasn't getting any response. And I don't call.

293
00:15:14.769 --> 00:15:17.870
I hate calling people. So I'm a texter.

294
00:15:17.929 --> 00:15:21.110
So I finally called because I'm like, this is actually

295
00:15:21.129 --> 00:15:22.009
weird finally.

296
00:15:22.149 --> 00:15:22.769
So yeah.

297
00:15:23.169 --> 00:15:25.490
And I called and I went straight to Boy's Home

298
00:15:25.570 --> 00:15:27.090
and I fucking lost it.

299
00:15:27.230 --> 00:15:31.250
I got so afraid. And rather than being like, no

300
00:15:31.370 --> 00:15:32.600
other thought came into my life.

301
00:15:32.740 --> 00:15:34.259
Not you overslept.

302
00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:34.720
Right.

303
00:15:34.779 --> 00:15:38.500
Not you're forgetful. Nothing like that. It was straight up.

304
00:15:38.899 --> 00:15:42.139
The fauna's dead. Or the children. Or the kids, yeah.

305
00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:46.320
Because she's got new cramp babies that were born two

306
00:15:46.340 --> 00:15:48.720
weeks ago. And I was like, the babies, some have

307
00:15:48.740 --> 00:15:50.950
the babies, some have the ewes, some have the dominoes.

308
00:15:50.970 --> 00:15:52.350
Everything, everything terrible was what happened.

309
00:15:59.720 --> 00:16:02.139
So I missed his dog pen because I was like, oh,

310
00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:03.379
you know, I don't know how.

311
00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:05.110
To get to you.

312
00:16:06.059 --> 00:16:07.399
And then I left you a voice note.

313
00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:12.450
And by the time you called me back, I was

314
00:16:12.590 --> 00:16:14.769
trying to hold it together. I was trying to not

315
00:16:14.990 --> 00:16:18.190
sound like the, I didn't want to be carried away.

316
00:16:19.750 --> 00:16:23.350
And I held it to the last minute. And then

317
00:16:23.409 --> 00:16:24.889
I started being like, I just.

318
00:16:24.830 --> 00:16:28.879
Want to know if you're alive. And it's straight up panic.

319
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:31.059
And I've since talked to my therapist about it, and

320
00:16:31.100 --> 00:16:32.340
she's like, you got to work now.

321
00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:35.179
You're thinking about all the possibilities until you blow straight

322
00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:39.820
to where Anthony, you know, bad. And for me, what

323
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:42.299
it made me realize is that a fear that I

324
00:16:42.340 --> 00:16:44.990
have now is that I'm going to be the last

325
00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:45.610
girl in life.

326
00:16:47.049 --> 00:16:51.090
Everybody in my life is dead. But for you, you

327
00:16:51.190 --> 00:16:56.559
had thought about a thing. The next day, not that. Right.

328
00:16:56.799 --> 00:16:59.659
My brain totally calculated 29th until.

329
00:16:59.980 --> 00:17:00.200
Yeah.

330
00:17:00.259 --> 00:17:02.419
And so even as I was talking to you, I

331
00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:04.619
was just like, oh, she's a girl. Good job. You

332
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:08.670
know what I mean? I mean, I am an early finder,

333
00:17:08.710 --> 00:17:10.529
but not a day early.

334
00:17:10.630 --> 00:17:10.910
Right.

335
00:17:10.970 --> 00:17:14.150
The words actually tomorrow. So I probably didn't read all

336
00:17:14.190 --> 00:17:17.009
the way down to the message. I'm just like, yeah, yeah,

337
00:17:17.049 --> 00:17:20.559
that appointment's 29th. This one's 28th. I had different things

338
00:17:20.619 --> 00:17:24.289
lined up. Yeah, yeah. You're getting scheduled. And so he's

339
00:17:24.329 --> 00:17:26.849
trying to do it in my head. I completely, and

340
00:17:26.910 --> 00:17:29.049
here's the thing. This is what made it even worse

341
00:17:29.470 --> 00:17:32.789
was I did my TikTok post early morning. And so

342
00:17:33.009 --> 00:17:36.109
she could see that I was hurting. I did my

343
00:17:36.150 --> 00:17:39.349
morning and I went and greeted my grandchildren and he

344
00:17:39.430 --> 00:17:44.960
went back to sleep. It didn't even occur to me

345
00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:48.779
that you could be asleep. Nothing regular occurs to me.

346
00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.039
Who sleeps in them? No, I do that. But two

347
00:17:52.099 --> 00:17:54.140
hours after. No, but I do it too.

348
00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:58.359
I go back to sleep. Nothing regular occurs to me.

349
00:17:58.420 --> 00:18:02.480
It was all the worst case possible of these. And

350
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:05.900
so now I know that I have that fear. I

351
00:18:05.940 --> 00:18:09.509
realize I'm not even worried about me dying. I am

352
00:18:09.529 --> 00:18:14.109
worried about being the last girl alive and knowing. I mean,

353
00:18:14.549 --> 00:18:16.630
I guess the ego part of that is no one's

354
00:18:16.650 --> 00:18:19.890
going to grieve me. That is an issue I have

355
00:18:19.930 --> 00:18:22.849
with just dying first is that I have to grieve

356
00:18:22.970 --> 00:18:27.089
every woman, every king. But now I'm thinking everybody in

357
00:18:27.130 --> 00:18:31.069
my life that I love will die and I will

358
00:18:31.089 --> 00:18:31.789
be the last.

359
00:18:31.569 --> 00:18:32.250
To be standing.

360
00:18:32.509 --> 00:18:35.420
And so we literally no longer, your cares a lot.

361
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:36.819
I had no idea. So that was my penance.

362
00:18:40.269 --> 00:18:42.880
As we finally did unite, that's when I held on.

363
00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:47.809
I said to myself that you were accurate. It wasn't

364
00:18:47.829 --> 00:18:48.690
a matrix, bitch.

365
00:18:48.849 --> 00:18:52.880
You know what I mean? Not apologize. So cute though.

366
00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:56.200
This shit does happen. Not even hours. But even two

367
00:18:56.220 --> 00:19:00.140
and a half hours of not communicating. That's, yeah, totally mad.

368
00:19:00.359 --> 00:19:01.029
I would have fed it.

369
00:19:01.539 --> 00:19:03.400
Like if he was a regular, like he knew it

370
00:19:03.420 --> 00:19:06.539
was Dame. But even if you got caught up or

371
00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:08.240
just like, I got caught up, I couldn't say to him.

372
00:19:08.299 --> 00:19:10.420
Even something like that, it's happening, you know?

373
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:14.410
Yeah. But I went dark. It was nothing. You know

374
00:19:14.430 --> 00:19:19.259
what it was? The second that the ring voicemail, like,

375
00:19:19.299 --> 00:19:22.200
that was so fast. Even my daughter, though, she sent

376
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:24.220
me a message the same day. Like, why aren't my

377
00:19:24.259 --> 00:19:28.019
messages going to voicemail? Because I would not easily, when

378
00:19:28.059 --> 00:19:31.019
I did it, do not disturb. No one wrote for me.

379
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:33.500
And, you know, I guess I could have tried to

380
00:19:33.539 --> 00:19:35.980
follow the three times to get it unlocked, but my

381
00:19:36.039 --> 00:19:36.539
brain wasn't.

382
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:37.740
My brain didn't read that.

383
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:40.049
My brain was just like, everybody's dead, and that's why.

384
00:19:40.009 --> 00:19:41.490
Nobody called me. Which is....

385
00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:47.630
Insane that it got that far yeah it was like

386
00:19:47.710 --> 00:19:50.410
either something happened to you or something happened to me babies.

387
00:19:50.430 --> 00:19:53.279
And the hospital should not pay attention to their faults.

388
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:55.779
And then it's like, you know, they would definitely be

389
00:19:55.839 --> 00:19:57.680
talking to someone and let people know what's going on.

390
00:19:57.680 --> 00:20:00.859
So they're either ignoring me or they're all dead. Like

391
00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:02.859
it just escalated for me.

392
00:20:03.940 --> 00:20:07.119
Lines was, my panic was more so in, I've been

393
00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:11.420
in relationships for the past 16 years. Not just with Frank,

394
00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:15.640
but with our relationship prior to this. And so, otherwise,

395
00:20:15.759 --> 00:20:18.460
I couldn't find my, like, couldn't find my exact type.

396
00:20:18.660 --> 00:20:21.269
Couldn't find my first. Yeah. But in my first is

397
00:20:21.309 --> 00:20:25.470
my ID, passport, debit card, and keys to my car.

398
00:20:25.930 --> 00:20:30.490
And in all my ADHD-ness, I have never lost my ID,

399
00:20:31.089 --> 00:20:33.799
my car keys. That's pretty good, because I lose my

400
00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:34.619
wallet all the time.

401
00:20:34.779 --> 00:20:34.980
Ever.

402
00:20:35.099 --> 00:20:37.920
I've never lost a verse. Like, for some reason, my

403
00:20:37.980 --> 00:20:40.589
ADD don't translate into that. And so when I can't

404
00:20:40.630 --> 00:20:45.589
refine none of that, and I'm dating, it's really the

405
00:20:45.630 --> 00:20:48.750
future partner. So this is where my panic setting is

406
00:20:48.789 --> 00:20:55.059
that I've relational, have chosen partners who navigate. And they

407
00:20:55.099 --> 00:20:58.500
help me organize. And they help. They're that part of

408
00:20:58.619 --> 00:21:01.549
my brain that I don't have. They think that. And

409
00:21:01.630 --> 00:21:04.750
now I've got this new life where ain't nobody striking

410
00:21:04.769 --> 00:21:06.960
for me. But at the same time, ain't nobody striking

411
00:21:06.980 --> 00:21:07.160
for me.

412
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:07.539
Right.

413
00:21:07.579 --> 00:21:10.920
It's like too full. So now I'm like, okay, so

414
00:21:10.980 --> 00:21:12.680
in all, I'm going to travel out of the country.

415
00:21:13.180 --> 00:21:16.700
And I'm still prone to, you know, say, this danger

416
00:21:16.740 --> 00:21:19.380
of the thing. We're out of high school. We're about

417
00:21:19.400 --> 00:21:20.869
to lose the rent of our fee.

418
00:21:21.109 --> 00:21:21.309
Right.

419
00:21:21.329 --> 00:21:25.509
About to lose my debit card. in another country. So

420
00:21:25.589 --> 00:21:28.299
my brain goes into, you can never travel. Like, there's

421
00:21:28.390 --> 00:21:31.220
proof to you. You said proof. And it's proved to

422
00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:33.359
me that I can't do well in the world alone.

423
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:33.720
Right?

424
00:21:33.779 --> 00:21:36.619
See, this is evidence. This is the reason why you

425
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:39.339
need a parker. And then it's like, now I don't

426
00:21:39.380 --> 00:21:42.579
have the parker that I look at. As no one knows,

427
00:21:42.599 --> 00:21:46.140
it's got to care and practice. I would have been

428
00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:50.059
sure my purse was in the right place or witnessed

429
00:21:50.339 --> 00:21:53.940
my actions to say, I saw you what it fears.

430
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:55.960
You know what I mean? Or see me put it

431
00:21:55.980 --> 00:21:58.200
in the wrong place and put it in the right place. Well,

432
00:21:58.680 --> 00:22:00.640
it's that care and attention. Yeah.

433
00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:03.240
And both of our panics were triggered up with something

434
00:22:03.269 --> 00:22:04.490
the other one did unknowingly.

435
00:22:04.869 --> 00:22:07.609
Oh, unknowingly. Yeah. So I get back to the room

436
00:22:07.710 --> 00:22:10.210
after crying. And mind you, we tore up the room.

437
00:22:10.329 --> 00:22:13.309
We did? No. We tore up the room. You went

438
00:22:13.349 --> 00:22:15.089
looking outside. You went to the car.

439
00:22:15.109 --> 00:22:15.309
Yeah.

440
00:22:15.410 --> 00:22:17.410
To the front desk. Oh, I went to the car.

441
00:22:17.559 --> 00:22:20.660
I was done. I was like, if it's not a car.

442
00:22:20.720 --> 00:22:22.529
And then So then I go to their front desk,

443
00:22:22.609 --> 00:22:24.670
and I'm like, I sat there, I sat here, and

444
00:22:24.710 --> 00:22:27.990
I sat there. Now I'm thinking there's this whole conspiracy.

445
00:22:28.009 --> 00:22:30.430
He asked me in the purse, like, someone saw it,

446
00:22:30.450 --> 00:22:32.509
knew it was mine, and did bring it back. Is

447
00:22:32.529 --> 00:22:34.529
this nothing lost and found? Is that a theme on

448
00:22:34.549 --> 00:22:38.309
the premises? Yeah. And all along, I kept putting my

449
00:22:38.369 --> 00:22:41.329
sweater on top of this. I go to pull a

450
00:22:41.369 --> 00:22:43.849
chair back, and I pull the straps, and I'm like, ah.

451
00:22:44.450 --> 00:22:44.970
Here it is.

452
00:22:45.029 --> 00:22:46.950
And she's like, I'm sorry. And I'm like, I don't care.

453
00:22:46.970 --> 00:22:52.250
I got it. I was instantly right there. But we

454
00:22:52.329 --> 00:22:58.539
both did something completely not intentional. Just whatever.

455
00:22:58.559 --> 00:22:58.640
Yeah.

456
00:22:59.559 --> 00:23:01.680
And it constantly has, we both got to see each

457
00:23:01.720 --> 00:23:03.420
other melt down in the wild.

458
00:23:03.619 --> 00:23:06.619
And we're both also not calm. So it's literally that.

459
00:23:06.700 --> 00:23:09.420
There's no one's on the road. And you don't have

460
00:23:09.460 --> 00:23:12.329
the comfort of a parade. I don't have the comfort

461
00:23:12.410 --> 00:23:16.190
of a siren. We don't have our normal soothing things.

462
00:23:16.269 --> 00:23:18.450
We're just out here.

463
00:23:19.450 --> 00:23:22.940
And it was like, one of those names was like, man,

464
00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:26.799
we just got started on this little trip. And like,

465
00:23:26.839 --> 00:23:30.000
how could it happen so fast that it just goes downhill?

466
00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:32.180
I mean, it hasn't been downhill.

467
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:32.539
No.

468
00:23:33.140 --> 00:23:35.359
But we had those moments. In those moments, it felt

469
00:23:35.380 --> 00:23:38.059
like it was very impossible. It was going to go

470
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:42.890
straight down. I mean, not having the keys to the truck,

471
00:23:42.970 --> 00:23:45.269
I'm thinking, how am I going to get another key?

472
00:23:45.750 --> 00:23:49.609
Not having to bother my son. I have AAAs. I

473
00:23:49.630 --> 00:23:51.980
need to tow this bitch back to the house. I

474
00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:54.079
had to get a new car. I had to get

475
00:23:54.119 --> 00:23:57.200
a new passport. Oh, yeah. This tediousness. Yeah.

476
00:23:57.500 --> 00:23:59.299
You know, because that's the other part is that a

477
00:23:59.359 --> 00:24:01.839
loss like that requires people work later.

478
00:24:01.859 --> 00:24:05.420
And then I'm like, I'll never go to Thailand. I'll

479
00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:09.670
never make it to Amsterdam. How can I ever travel alone?

480
00:24:09.910 --> 00:24:12.609
You know, with you having the business of helping people travel.

481
00:24:13.609 --> 00:24:14.809
So I just threw it all in there.

482
00:24:14.890 --> 00:24:16.410
And it is something you and I have been talking

483
00:24:16.450 --> 00:24:17.970
about is that, like, I've been a.

484
00:24:18.670 --> 00:24:23.609
Literally a global world traveler since Tristan died. I have

485
00:24:23.670 --> 00:24:26.750
left the country without him before, but I was going

486
00:24:26.829 --> 00:24:31.349
to see my cousin. So I flew to London by myself,

487
00:24:31.589 --> 00:24:33.549
but my cousin was on the other end picking me

488
00:24:33.609 --> 00:24:37.390
in the hair. So, and then every place we stayed

489
00:24:37.730 --> 00:24:40.670
wasn't arranged. So I didn't have to, I don't count

490
00:24:40.710 --> 00:24:44.240
that as a solo traveling necessarily, but I kind of

491
00:24:44.259 --> 00:24:44.700
showed up.

492
00:24:45.099 --> 00:24:45.359
Yeah.

493
00:24:46.289 --> 00:24:48.289
Since he died, though, I meant to go back and

494
00:24:48.309 --> 00:24:52.190
forth between Mexico, but moved back. And then I was

495
00:24:52.299 --> 00:24:54.160
in the UK, and I went to Ireland, and I

496
00:24:54.160 --> 00:24:57.940
went to Amsterdam, Spain. I mean, I went with people,

497
00:24:57.960 --> 00:25:00.119
so that's different. But everything else I did, I did

498
00:25:00.140 --> 00:25:04.799
by myself. And so I've gotten used to it. Well,

499
00:25:04.819 --> 00:25:06.640
I've always traveled solo, just never in a.

500
00:25:06.680 --> 00:25:07.119
That's why.

501
00:25:07.589 --> 00:25:09.589
But I've gotten so used to it that there's also

502
00:25:09.630 --> 00:25:12.809
the element of, like, I have no choice anymore because

503
00:25:12.970 --> 00:25:14.309
no one's checking on me.

504
00:25:14.970 --> 00:25:15.980
No one's going to be with me.

505
00:25:16.119 --> 00:25:19.839
I can't wait for someone to have time or.

506
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:21.000
Resources, whatever.

507
00:25:21.220 --> 00:25:22.799
I'm not going to have a resource forever, so I'm

508
00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:24.099
trying to do it while I have it.

509
00:25:24.099 --> 00:25:27.559
So, yeah, I'm going to go by myself. And you've

510
00:25:27.599 --> 00:25:30.980
been talking about wanting to do that. But also being like,

511
00:25:31.180 --> 00:25:33.829
I need to test myself. Right. See if it's possible.

512
00:25:33.849 --> 00:25:40.460
At the end, we also talked about If it doesn't51300:25:40.500 --> 00:25:42.539



turn out that we get handled so well by ourselves,51400:25:42.640 --> 00:25:43.740



could we travel together?51500:25:43.779 --> 00:25:48.980



And this would be our first time going somewhere outside.51600:25:49.000 --> 00:25:52.390



Because I'm adding a new person to travel with. I51700:25:52.730 --> 00:25:56.230



have my travel route so that I still travel real quick.51800:25:56.309 --> 00:26:00.549



This is adding a new element to travel. And part51900:26:00.589 --> 00:26:03.549



of that is my grief with my other friend routes52000:26:03.690 --> 00:26:07.960



and my other family routes. groups exist differently than my52100:26:07.980 --> 00:26:09.660



break with you.52200:26:11.539 --> 00:26:11.799



Right?52300:26:12.259 --> 00:26:15.279



It's mine. It's yours. It's mine. It's yours. It slides52400:26:15.339 --> 00:26:19.329



into our conversation and slides out of our conversation about52500:26:19.430 --> 00:26:21.930



any great step at all or no slowing down.52600:26:22.069 --> 00:26:22.309



Right.52700:26:22.549 --> 00:26:23.410



It's a different flow.52800:26:23.450 --> 00:26:25.170



And we literally could be talking about how bad the52900:26:25.210 --> 00:26:26.410



hamburgers were.53000:26:26.430 --> 00:26:30.569



And making a joke about one of our people in53100:26:30.609 --> 00:26:31.359



the same red.53200:26:31.470 --> 00:26:31.670



Right.53300:26:32.339 --> 00:26:33.359



And keep it pushy.53400:26:33.759 --> 00:26:41.210



I think what's different about getting to do it together versus.53500:26:40.670 --> 00:26:44.130



Being around people who are graveyards is that it's not.53600:26:44.069 --> 00:26:47.900



One of those like, one more time.53700:26:48.039 --> 00:26:53.220



Or just the sadness that was there at the moment. Like,53800:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.440



because with some people, when I get excited about Brett now,53900:26:57.430 --> 00:27:00.559



They're not at my new now sadness. They're at my,54000:27:00.640 --> 00:27:03.200



it should just happen sadness. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like,54100:27:03.319 --> 00:27:06.180



I'm not that sad. Hold on. I'm sad, but I'm not.54200:27:06.259 --> 00:27:06.539



Yeah.54300:27:06.640 --> 00:27:09.579



Like, I function. They had to stay with me here.54400:27:09.599 --> 00:27:09.680



Yeah.54500:27:10.839 --> 00:27:13.380



To reread this. But that's a learned thing.54600:27:13.640 --> 00:27:15.339



And then, listen, there you see some shots of one54700:27:15.380 --> 00:27:17.009



moment you're crying and the next moment you're laughing about54800:27:17.029 --> 00:27:21.430



some shit they did. And it's literally, they're all together. Like,54900:27:21.529 --> 00:27:23.170



I can laugh about him and.55000:27:23.369 --> 00:27:24.109



Cry about him.55100:27:24.589 --> 00:27:26.750



I can be crying with a trivial laugh.55200:27:27.160 --> 00:27:29.140



I couldn't do you. Last name was a trigger, a cry.55300:27:30.779 --> 00:27:34.799



And it's fine. It's not making me feel crazy. It's55400:27:34.819 --> 00:27:36.799



not making me feel like I'll never have a life55500:27:37.359 --> 00:27:38.200



the way that it did.55600:27:39.930 --> 00:27:42.009



You don't feel like you're bringing me down when you55700:27:42.029 --> 00:27:43.430



do it, right? No, I don't.55800:27:43.490 --> 00:27:48.309



Yeah. And part of me thinks like, is my rest55900:27:48.329 --> 00:27:49.470



of my life just has to be a whole bunch56000:27:49.529 --> 00:27:52.769



of riddles because we did it, you know? Versus like,56100:27:52.890 --> 00:27:54.990



I don't want to bring other people down. That being said,56200:27:55.009 --> 00:27:58.089



like he said, my set now, I don't want to56300:27:58.109 --> 00:27:59.089



come to convince you.56400:27:59.490 --> 00:28:04.990



I'm not desperate. They said when I'm experiencing sadness.56500:28:05.119 --> 00:28:07.880



And it's okay that I'm experiencing sadness. It would be56600:28:07.960 --> 00:28:10.160



weird if I wasn't experiencing sadness.56700:28:10.180 --> 00:28:14.640



You know? But it reminds me of the movie Inside Out.56800:28:14.700 --> 00:28:15.279



Would you see that?56900:28:15.319 --> 00:28:15.759



Oh, man.57000:28:16.099 --> 00:28:19.720



I didn't watch that until after Christmas. Is that right? Yes.57100:28:20.240 --> 00:28:24.700



So I bet sadness was, yeah. Sadness and joy living57200:28:24.720 --> 00:28:28.319



right side of each other. Nice. That really influenced me.57300:28:28.980 --> 00:28:30.549



Was that it?57400:28:30.700 --> 00:28:30.930



Yeah.57500:28:30.970 --> 00:28:34.849



Because I didn't have a way to explain that. And57600:28:34.890 --> 00:28:39.019



I wasn't kidding for a year at that time. And57700:28:39.079 --> 00:28:43.170



I was hitting very conflicting joy. Like, I... I had57800:28:43.279 --> 00:28:46.119



just gotten my chance to be a man. We were57900:28:46.160 --> 00:28:50.819



still on this high-ass arc of experience. The colored things58000:28:51.319 --> 00:28:53.900



napped in carnivals. We were on the voyage of a58100:28:54.079 --> 00:28:55.569



hundred and six. Yeah, literally.58200:28:55.650 --> 00:28:59.710



You sounded like the whole time. A hundred percent on58300:28:59.750 --> 00:29:03.589



that high. So that movie, yeah, joy and sadness were58400:29:03.630 --> 00:29:06.039



having to get along and ride in a journey in58500:29:06.059 --> 00:29:08.950



a Joy and Sadness has to pay this damn bill.58600:29:09.309 --> 00:29:11.829



Joy and Sadness has to room the door. Joy and58700:29:11.869 --> 00:29:13.829



Sadness has to interact with children.58800:29:13.990 --> 00:29:16.230



You know what I mean? And look for a trailer.58900:29:16.269 --> 00:29:22.099



You see, all of that, like, it's still watching. Yeah.59000:29:23.480 --> 00:29:27.180



So, I feel like there's, what I'm experiencing is that59100:29:27.259 --> 00:29:31.039



I feel a lot less pressure to card my sadness59200:29:32.299 --> 00:29:36.700



or apologize to that boy. Not that I am apologizing59300:29:36.720 --> 00:29:39.430



for my joy, but I think people are leaping for59400:29:39.450 --> 00:29:41.880



an explanation as to how I can be joyful.59500:29:42.359 --> 00:29:44.019



Even at the same time, they don't tell me to59600:29:44.059 --> 00:29:45.680



be real, you know.59700:29:45.980 --> 00:29:51.380



It's just like, let it exist the way that it is.59800:29:52.220 --> 00:29:56.140



I can't always be the middle. It's exhausting. It's exhausting.59900:29:56.819 --> 00:29:57.789



Around other people.60000:29:58.839 --> 00:30:04.619



And unfortunately, it has become a big karma.60100:30:05.400 --> 00:30:08.079



Is there a future where that's not the way I am?60200:30:08.089 --> 00:30:11.670



Are those possibilities? I have a question for you then.60300:30:12.170 --> 00:30:15.849



What would you have in the end of the world?60400:30:16.049 --> 00:30:17.329



What would you pick up on that?60500:30:18.049 --> 00:30:20.849



So, so far, the way it's happened, what I've encountered60600:30:20.890 --> 00:30:23.430



in the world, they've all been holding.60700:30:23.329 --> 00:30:24.690



It in these 23 years so far.60800:30:27.930 --> 00:30:29.599



The way the first time when I was at the60900:30:29.619 --> 00:30:33.940



airport in Scotland, we were both using wheelchair assistance because61000:30:33.960 --> 00:30:35.759



I was walking on the sea at the time. So61100:30:35.799 --> 00:30:37.299



they sat us all on the side of each other61200:30:37.339 --> 00:30:40.619



while we waited for our play. She started having questions about, like,61300:30:40.640 --> 00:30:42.039



why was I traveling by myself?61400:30:42.079 --> 00:30:44.759



Why was I in physics? She had a theory asking61500:30:44.779 --> 00:30:45.140



about you.61600:30:45.200 --> 00:30:48.279



Yeah, so it was more like you're chitchatting. And with the,61700:30:48.619 --> 00:30:51.740



why are you traveling by yourself, that meant. I don't61800:30:51.759 --> 00:30:53.720



know if I said it nearly as directly as I61900:30:53.839 --> 00:30:56.279



have said it since then. What I say now and62000:30:56.319 --> 00:30:57.519



not as in that I got to get out of62100:30:57.539 --> 00:31:00.480



the house. Back then, I guess I think I said, well,62200:31:00.559 --> 00:31:02.500



my nephew's dead and we were supposed to take a trip.62300:31:02.660 --> 00:31:05.950



So I took the trip, you know. And then she62400:31:05.990 --> 00:31:07.789



said she was a widow too. Oh, no, I think62500:31:07.809 --> 00:31:09.609



she said she was a widow. I said, I blew62600:31:09.630 --> 00:31:11.609



me too. And then I explained that I was taking62700:31:11.670 --> 00:31:11.950



a trip.62800:31:12.029 --> 00:31:14.809



But we didn't. That was the first time I had been.62900:31:16.529 --> 00:31:18.910



The second significant time that it happened that I can63000:31:18.950 --> 00:31:21.509



remember is, oh, the Seattle.63100:31:21.250 --> 00:31:24.730



Rainwater next time. So I'm sitting in the Seattle rain63200:31:24.809 --> 00:31:27.549



seeds and she's watering one. And that's when I say,63300:31:27.569 --> 00:31:29.369



I was supposed to say, like, I get back, that's enough.63400:31:29.809 --> 00:31:33.430



So I think, like, it has always started with them63500:31:33.849 --> 00:31:39.660



talking to me because they're more quiet talk to, I guess. Like,63600:31:39.819 --> 00:31:41.359



on the plane, I didn't talk to that lady the63700:31:41.380 --> 00:31:44.619



whole time, but she commented about my lady. And we63800:31:44.640 --> 00:31:46.859



had a good conversation until it came out that he63900:31:46.880 --> 00:31:47.200



was dead.64000:31:47.240 --> 00:31:49.369



That's the kind of world I'm going to be. Because64100:31:49.450 --> 00:31:53.230



I do find myself engaging in conversation with people I64200:31:53.250 --> 00:31:55.130



don't know. And I didn't know at the time, I64300:31:55.130 --> 00:31:57.630



was like, are you just lonely? Is it a lonely girl?64400:31:57.650 --> 00:31:59.150



Or is it curiosity?64500:31:59.470 --> 00:32:01.390



It could just be the way you always were, but64600:32:01.430 --> 00:32:03.359



now you just haven't had the seasoning.64700:32:04.180 --> 00:32:07.259



Oh, we don't. Because with the lady on the plane,64800:32:07.339 --> 00:32:12.299



it didn't work. We talk about knitting. We talk about traps.64900:32:12.359 --> 00:32:15.180



We talk about how she's like, I'm going to do65000:32:15.220 --> 00:32:16.680



what you made me do with the kids and stuff65100:32:16.700 --> 00:32:17.079



like that.65200:32:17.539 --> 00:32:19.359



And then she wasn't leaving. I don't know.65300:32:19.420 --> 00:32:21.200



And I had said it at one point and she65400:32:21.299 --> 00:32:21.789



missed it.65500:32:22.019 --> 00:32:23.720



And so later she asked me a question that made65600:32:23.759 --> 00:32:25.359



me say, oh, is my husband dead?65700:32:25.380 --> 00:32:27.900



And she goes, hello, my cousin's dead too. So, oh,65800:32:27.940 --> 00:32:29.099



so you're young today.65900:32:29.140 --> 00:32:30.000



And then it's.66000:32:29.920 --> 00:32:34.349



About me being the young one versus old. But with her,66100:32:34.769 --> 00:32:38.130



hers was the most free conversation because in her case,66200:32:38.150 --> 00:32:39.789



she's like, I'm living my life.66300:32:40.930 --> 00:32:42.779



And she's like, I'm living my life on my own terms.66400:32:43.119 --> 00:32:45.299



If I would give me $ 4, 000 more, I would turn66500:32:45.319 --> 00:32:45.960



that TV.66600:32:45.759 --> 00:32:49.279



Up to $ 100, 000.66700:32:47.079 --> 00:32:48.279



Start a half-year-old pro age.66800:32:48.960 --> 00:32:50.680



And you know what's the bar you're about.66900:32:50.779 --> 00:32:53.880



You know, so she was a little bit more inspiring67000:32:54.000 --> 00:32:59.329



as to being unapologetically outboard on the street like that.67100:32:59.819 --> 00:33:02.099



Do you feel like you have squad when you come67200:33:02.140 --> 00:33:05.960



across a dead end widow? Does it feel like... I've67300:33:06.009 --> 00:33:08.390



met a couple who have just kind of been to67400:33:08.410 --> 00:33:12.170



me the nod of, you'll be fine. And I'm like,67500:33:12.829 --> 00:33:13.730



you'll be fine.67600:33:14.289 --> 00:33:16.369



I think there is kind of a thing. It's strange67700:33:16.430 --> 00:33:20.490



because they're all so much older. Especially because some of67800:33:20.529 --> 00:33:23.559



them only recently asked their person, and I lost mine67900:33:24.019 --> 00:33:26.319



at a young age. They're old by the time they68000:33:26.400 --> 00:33:29.380



use their background. middle-aged, but it's a lost line. So68100:33:29.920 --> 00:33:32.960



we're like a different fashion, but it's still get each68200:33:33.000 --> 00:33:34.519



other to a degree.68300:33:35.140 --> 00:33:37.089



It is the most weird dynamic is when.68400:33:36.960 --> 00:33:41.450



I am that elder experience I had at first and68500:33:41.490 --> 00:33:42.230



they just had it.68600:33:42.410 --> 00:33:43.990



That one is weird. Okay.68700:33:44.789 --> 00:33:45.049



Yeah.68800:33:45.670 --> 00:33:48.109



Because if I'm honest, I don't know what to say68900:33:48.150 --> 00:33:50.390



to you. Why? It's still a struggle.69000:33:50.589 --> 00:33:52.900



I have some expectations of what I want people to69100:33:52.930 --> 00:33:54.700



say to me, but when it comes to that moment69200:33:54.759 --> 00:33:54.980



in the.69300:33:54.980 --> 00:33:59.329



Wild, I'm like, how I feel. You know, like, I69400:33:59.390 --> 00:34:00.890



literally don't know what to say.69500:34:02.910 --> 00:34:04.980



I like the feeling, though, when you're on a class69600:34:05.059 --> 00:34:09.539



and every young woman, there's one in particular who your69700:34:09.599 --> 00:34:13.920



husband is, like, in my high school circle as well.69800:34:14.639 --> 00:34:18.699



So hearing her saying her experience was she lost her69900:34:18.760 --> 00:34:24.320



husband is very much extremely similar because she lost, like,70000:34:24.360 --> 00:34:32.460



a similar personality. I had a dynamic partner. I had70100:34:32.480 --> 00:34:36.480



a dynamic partner. Seeing her carry that praise. The way70200:34:36.519 --> 00:34:39.039



she smiled. The way she carried herself. The way she laughed.70300:34:39.280 --> 00:34:42.469



The way she joked. Not joked about. But the way70400:34:42.530 --> 00:34:45.769



she could tell the story of the experience. And layer70500:34:45.829 --> 00:34:50.309



the sadness. And ridiculous call in together. It was like okay.70600:34:50.329 --> 00:34:53.489



So I've done that. I know what that is. I70700:34:53.510 --> 00:34:55.809



don't know how you feel. But I know that air.70800:34:55.889 --> 00:34:57.250



That space. That time.70900:34:57.289 --> 00:34:57.449



That.71000:34:58.210 --> 00:34:58.469



Yeah.71100:34:59.010 --> 00:35:02.070



So I haven't encountered anybody like that in my age71200:35:02.090 --> 00:35:02.670



group yet.71300:35:02.949 --> 00:35:03.780



Oh, besides you.71400:35:04.260 --> 00:35:04.389



Oh.71500:35:05.159 --> 00:35:08.579



So, you know, like you losing, you live months later.71600:35:08.599 --> 00:35:13.119



To me, that was quite, wow, that's hella quick for71700:35:13.159 --> 00:35:16.449



me to have to engage with someone that's in a71800:35:16.469 --> 00:35:17.690



similar situation with me.71900:35:17.710 --> 00:35:22.090



Because the other engagement I had with the Tibet Bahuyas,72000:35:23.079 --> 00:35:24.239



The elderly were.72100:35:24.280 --> 00:35:26.340



Well, they didn't stop. What I do think has been72200:35:26.380 --> 00:35:29.780



nice about this friend that isn't anything about us being grieving.72300:35:31.179 --> 00:35:34.639



Is just being comfortable with space in another person because72400:35:34.800 --> 00:35:38.389



I haven't spent time with another person being my walk-time.72500:35:39.110 --> 00:35:41.449



I've traveled with one of my other friends a few72600:35:41.489 --> 00:35:45.550



times and same thing, like, no tight guys, calm friends.72700:35:47.190 --> 00:35:49.449



But then, like, clients go by that haven't been around72800:35:49.489 --> 00:35:51.940



in person. So the fact that I had still come72900:35:52.019 --> 00:35:52.340



off as a.73000:35:52.300 --> 00:35:56.610



Little sugar, they'll not be like, yeah, you're a bear.73100:35:57.769 --> 00:36:01.869



I don't know how I made steeper or stupider, but yeah.73200:36:03.389 --> 00:36:06.090



I mean, we had a good time. We literally just73300:36:06.849 --> 00:36:11.579



slow travel, right? Yep. Take it easy. And that's what73400:36:11.599 --> 00:36:15.579



I want in my life now. I certainly don't want any.73500:36:16.860 --> 00:36:19.119



And I'm using excitement in terms of the energy, not73600:36:19.219 --> 00:36:21.840



excitement in terms of yay. I definitely don't want the73700:36:21.880 --> 00:36:25.110



excitement of what I grew up with. I don't want73800:36:25.119 --> 00:36:28.710



to experience that level anymore.73900:36:29.010 --> 00:36:32.510



And, you know, having the padding, I was getting there74000:36:32.530 --> 00:36:37.170



a real bit. But just being able to.74100:36:38.809 --> 00:36:40.570



I guess in the beginning, I was worried about how74200:36:40.590 --> 00:36:43.400



to communicate when I wanted to have some solo time74300:36:43.480 --> 00:36:43.840



or whatever.74400:36:43.880 --> 00:36:45.139



And we haven't actually communicated.74500:36:45.159 --> 00:36:46.039



It's just been tasty.74600:36:46.539 --> 00:36:49.679



Yeah. And when we come back, it hasn't been like,74700:36:50.480 --> 00:36:54.159



you know, it's just been like. And that solo time74800:36:54.219 --> 00:36:56.800



is something that's here. Like I'm out here and I'm visiting,74900:36:57.380 --> 00:37:00.659



you're visiting my son and his family. But after every75000:37:00.699 --> 00:37:03.159



so many days, I need to stay in a room.75100:37:03.219 --> 00:37:06.559



And so, you know, I. Because I'm like, all right,75200:37:06.780 --> 00:37:10.300



I'm due for five sessions. I haven't, I haven't had,75300:37:10.659 --> 00:37:13.690



I still need sessions to. And you want to edit practice.75400:37:14.190 --> 00:37:16.070



And I don't want to. I don't know.75500:37:16.170 --> 00:37:16.429



I don't.75600:37:17.090 --> 00:37:20.210



And here's what happened. So I had one of those smokers,75700:37:20.269 --> 00:37:23.409



but I woke up in the morning. I actually, I75800:37:23.429 --> 00:37:26.989



think I had a dream that was a dissimilar. And75900:37:27.030 --> 00:37:29.719



I'm like, no, I'm not getting out of bed. So76000:37:29.840 --> 00:37:32.019



I stayed in bed, no one knocked on the door,76100:37:32.099 --> 00:37:35.440



no words or words, no text messages. But when I76200:37:35.480 --> 00:37:40.579



did eventually come out, my daughter-in-law loves Levin and got76300:37:40.619 --> 00:37:45.619



me a highlighter. And that was the gesture that was sweet.76400:37:45.739 --> 00:37:47.800



I didn't say your body tags. I mean, she was76500:37:47.860 --> 00:37:50.710



coming later. But she came later. I gave her the76600:37:50.750 --> 00:37:52.789



biggest cup. And I said, you know, that cotton drink,76700:37:52.889 --> 00:37:55.590



it was wonderful. Especially because it wasn't enough out the door.76800:37:55.610 --> 00:37:59.289



It wasn't. I was like, you know. And I'm like,76900:37:59.329 --> 00:38:03.570



I was having a sad day. And that was... Nice77000:38:03.590 --> 00:38:05.690



to come out. Yeah, like I said, ain't nobody checking77100:38:05.710 --> 00:38:07.329



on me. And I'm like, no one's checking on me.77200:38:07.349 --> 00:38:10.110



No one's checking on me and no one's checking on me.77300:38:10.150 --> 00:38:10.389



Right?77400:38:10.570 --> 00:38:13.159



But it's also nice. No one's like that that I have.77500:38:13.380 --> 00:38:14.090



But you should check it.77600:38:14.530 --> 00:38:14.960



You know?77700:38:15.179 --> 00:38:18.440



Yeah. I think that's what's tough about me living in77800:38:18.500 --> 00:38:21.659



a city where I don't really know anybody. There's not77900:38:21.699 --> 00:38:25.000



a chance for as little. It's only when I travel near.78000:38:25.719 --> 00:38:28.719



Yeah. And then they said, too, when I have travels78100:38:28.739 --> 00:38:31.650



to visit family, there's when people will do my, you know,78200:38:31.670 --> 00:38:33.190



I want to do me just stay with Mercer.78300:38:33.710 --> 00:38:36.489



I want to tell them, like, I don't want to78400:38:36.530 --> 00:38:38.250



stay on my home. I don't want to.78500:38:38.289 --> 00:38:40.630



Have any more in front of me.78600:38:41.010 --> 00:38:41.789



Not because I.78700:38:43.610 --> 00:38:45.579



Don't know how to read me, but it's really like78800:38:45.599 --> 00:38:47.539



there are time when I can read with.78900:38:47.940 --> 00:38:51.039



There is time I need to solo. Well, listen, it's79000:38:51.059 --> 00:38:51.940



not another murder.79100:38:52.039 --> 00:38:52.280



It's.79200:38:54.099 --> 00:38:58.059



There are certain things that are just private. Yeah.79300:38:59.280 --> 00:39:03.800



And that's been true. I was a fairly sober person anyways.79400:39:03.900 --> 00:39:09.369



And there were a lot of times. Now there's different79500:39:09.530 --> 00:39:11.050



things when I need a mulch.79600:39:11.130 --> 00:39:13.929



And I'm involved. All different things.79700:39:15.349 --> 00:39:19.110



And I've never been alone in the way that I am. Well,79800:39:19.170 --> 00:39:22.869



I had a lonely childhood. stuff like that, but as79900:39:22.869 --> 00:39:25.969



I know, there have been times of loneliness and my80000:39:26.010 --> 00:39:29.380



marriage was stuck. But the loneliness I have now is80100:39:29.480 --> 00:39:30.420



in my hands.80200:39:31.280 --> 00:39:32.599



It's not all the time.80300:39:33.599 --> 00:39:36.960



But, and those are the times when I do need80400:39:37.039 --> 00:39:40.159



someone to see because I can't reach out when that happens.80500:39:40.280 --> 00:39:42.420



I can still see, but no one's there to see.80600:39:42.539 --> 00:39:45.079



And I don't live in community. I don't have someone80700:39:45.099 --> 00:39:46.949



knocking on my door just to make sure I'm okay.80800:39:46.989 --> 00:39:48.909



I don't have someone dropping food off like I did80900:39:48.929 --> 00:39:49.690



that in Mexico.81000:39:51.230 --> 00:39:56.929



So this is my first time being alone since I81100:39:56.969 --> 00:39:59.389



left the house. I left the house when they were made.81200:39:59.409 --> 00:40:04.130



I think I had my own apartment for like six months.81300:40:04.789 --> 00:40:05.869



I went straight to the dorms.81400:40:05.929 --> 00:40:08.269



The dorms is how many times I ever lived alone81500:40:08.309 --> 00:40:11.630



that there were people there. I had a cereal loo,81600:40:11.789 --> 00:40:15.230



but you go to the back, you go to the left,81700:40:15.250 --> 00:40:15.730



you go to the left.81800:40:16.349 --> 00:40:17.570



So Tristan died.81900:40:18.099 --> 00:40:20.360



There was like a week at Yerdy Dye where I82000:40:20.380 --> 00:40:21.539



was on the phone with Shay.82100:40:21.679 --> 00:40:25.440



I go, I've never been a Lombard bar. Yeah, like82200:40:25.519 --> 00:40:28.110



I've never, I've always had to take care of people82300:40:28.190 --> 00:40:29.849



and handle someone else's business.82400:40:31.349 --> 00:40:33.110



I've been in my house, but I said, oh, but82500:40:33.170 --> 00:40:37.050



I've never, it's never been where someone's coming.82600:40:38.889 --> 00:40:42.820



And now that I have like, you know, in.82700:40:43.059 --> 00:40:49.210



Performance in Mexico and then here in two years in Seattle, And.82800:40:49.190 --> 00:40:52.469



I burrowed my whole living alone skills that I just82900:40:52.510 --> 00:40:56.369



didn't even have more. Because I always had someone to83000:40:56.590 --> 00:41:01.699



double back on. Remembering to eat? A hundred percent. Remembering83100:41:01.719 --> 00:41:05.360



to eat was a big one. And eating an inappropriate meal. Like,83200:41:05.440 --> 00:41:08.920



remember when we just, you just said the charcuterie fights?83300:41:09.380 --> 00:41:11.579



And that was my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'd just83400:41:11.619 --> 00:41:15.960



get a charcuterie. I was just nauseous on that.83500:41:16.199 --> 00:41:16.380



Yeah.83600:41:16.400 --> 00:41:17.320



I had my gut balance.83700:41:19.340 --> 00:41:25.190



Yogurt and Shrek blueberries, legit, always in the fridge. I, like,83800:41:25.230 --> 00:41:25.989



there's a few times it'd.83900:41:25.909 --> 00:41:28.150



Be like, 8 p.m., I gotta hit it.84000:41:28.429 --> 00:41:31.650



Yes, you ain't ate. I'm an apple. Yeah. Those, for84100:41:31.650 --> 00:41:32.949



12 hours, you have to eat.84200:41:35.110 --> 00:41:35.269



Oh.84300:41:36.030 --> 00:41:38.809



Things like that, you know. I'm better just now that84400:41:38.849 --> 00:41:44.840



my daughter's in the game. She playing, she playing for non-champions.84500:41:45.409 --> 00:41:47.849



And then she left again. And when she came back84600:41:48.030 --> 00:41:51.550



after being gone for a few weeks, I was like, look, see?84700:41:51.570 --> 00:41:56.449



I maintained. Doesn't this look good? This is a Dionysus beard.84800:41:56.550 --> 00:42:03.139



Dionysus is big. Look what else. Babysuits. A boobie site84900:42:03.179 --> 00:42:04.260



of progress. Yeah.85000:42:04.619 --> 00:42:07.760



And think of when, the crazy thing is, I'm trying85100:42:07.780 --> 00:42:09.519



to move so I can be around communities, so I85200:42:09.519 --> 00:42:12.280



can pass them on checkout, you know? And at the85300:42:12.320 --> 00:42:15.349



same time, I'm trying to live a solo digital trap85400:42:15.630 --> 00:42:18.250



right in the middle of play, which will put me in.85500:42:18.199 --> 00:42:20.260



A position where I want to shake my mouth. And85600:42:20.980 --> 00:42:22.760



they might shake my mouth in a different language.85700:42:22.940 --> 00:42:27.940



You know? So I don't understand why my brain is85800:42:27.980 --> 00:42:31.329



doing that. Because I'm actually kind of visible on set.85900:42:33.170 --> 00:42:35.590



But when I was born into Canada, I wasn't visible.86000:42:35.630 --> 00:42:38.250



When I was along in Korea, I wasn't visible. I86100:42:38.269 --> 00:42:40.730



was alone in Canada. I was sad, but I was86200:42:40.769 --> 00:42:44.849



a visual event. I don't know what it is about86300:42:44.889 --> 00:42:50.250



travel that makes me feel more open. But if I86400:42:50.329 --> 00:42:53.389



know this is my home, but Seattle right now is86500:42:53.449 --> 00:42:57.300



my home, I'm.86600:42:57.179 --> 00:42:58.280



Just super alone.86700:42:58.860 --> 00:43:02.699



I don't want to see the drama has me.86800:43:03.579 --> 00:43:04.820



And it's nobody's fault.86900:43:04.860 --> 00:43:09.239



It's a little different when nobody's doing her ability, but it.87000:43:09.219 --> 00:43:12.530



Shows you Or it makes me feel like I now87100:43:12.550 --> 00:43:14.489



know I don't rank for anybody.87200:43:16.030 --> 00:43:19.500



When I look out, it's now Brett's sister is down87300:43:19.519 --> 00:43:21.539



the street. And she rode to it.87400:43:21.699 --> 00:43:22.179



Hey, sirs.87500:43:23.800 --> 00:43:27.900



Stop breaking. I literally got one yesterday. And I'm breaking.87600:43:28.179 --> 00:43:31.010



That's pretty good. So I'm wondering if that's going to87700:43:31.050 --> 00:43:33.730



be something. Is that's going to change where you'll have87800:43:33.789 --> 00:43:36.429



like at least some proximity. There's a thing about sleep.87900:43:37.449 --> 00:43:39.090



But the thing about Shay is when I was living88000:43:39.170 --> 00:43:40.909



in her womb, she could check on.88100:43:40.849 --> 00:43:44.369



Me because I was there. But we both have current88200:43:44.389 --> 00:43:48.070



conflict in coming in. So, out of sight, out of mind.88300:43:49.449 --> 00:43:52.829



And then when we remember each other and send a message,88400:43:52.929 --> 00:43:55.210



I love you, I'm going to end you, I just88500:43:55.230 --> 00:44:00.170



haven't thought about you, it seems different when we forget to.88600:44:00.110 --> 00:44:04.190



Team up with each other than when, like, oh, shit,88700:44:04.210 --> 00:44:05.989



I have a girlfriend, so-and-so, and then.88800:44:06.599 --> 00:44:07.139



A year.88900:44:07.679 --> 00:44:10.380



And they know I'm crazy. They know I'm sad. But89000:44:10.519 --> 00:44:12.159



I think that he's. I'm never going to get a89100:44:12.159 --> 00:44:12.949



percent again.89200:44:13.610 --> 00:44:14.789



So that's happened.89300:44:14.630 --> 00:44:15.210



A lot now.89400:44:15.289 --> 00:44:19.670



My world was already small. But it's got exponentially smaller.89500:44:19.750 --> 00:44:22.150



In terms of people. Like I have one friend.89600:44:22.590 --> 00:44:24.070



About every three or four months.89700:44:24.449 --> 00:44:26.849



And this is always a dead eye brush. But every89800:44:26.869 --> 00:44:29.389



three or four months. Like one of us will reach89900:44:29.409 --> 00:44:30.780



out to each other.90000:44:31.800 --> 00:44:35.340



So. Them not reaching out to me every day. Is not.90100:44:36.280 --> 00:44:39.920



It's not clocking on the bad side of it, but90200:44:40.340 --> 00:44:43.159



like thought work, every three to four months, one of90300:44:43.199 --> 00:44:45.360



us is shaking in on each other. So that relationship90400:44:45.440 --> 00:44:49.639



is that way. They are thoughtful about my situation, but90500:44:49.920 --> 00:44:53.050



it's exactly the way it was. And that's comforting because90600:44:53.090 --> 00:44:59.469



there's literally people who are only like liking it. You90700:44:59.489 --> 00:45:02.449



know the part of the apology that's on Facebook?90800:45:02.989 --> 00:45:04.429



I hate that.90900:45:04.530 --> 00:45:09.250



I'm like, I don't know.91000:45:09.550 --> 00:45:11.429



I like it, but I hate it. I hate that.91100:45:11.860 --> 00:45:12.550



I like hating.91200:45:12.719 --> 00:45:15.159



There are moments when I'm posting something that I'm not91300:45:15.260 --> 00:45:17.519



sad I'm posting about that I don't get it because91400:45:17.559 --> 00:45:18.739



they're reading it sad.91500:45:19.179 --> 00:45:21.260



Those are the times I don't like.91600:45:21.340 --> 00:45:24.179



If I'm properly sad and I'm posting something properly sad,91700:45:24.760 --> 00:45:25.010



it's a.91800:45:26.360 --> 00:45:26.699



It's a.91900:45:27.639 --> 00:45:30.989



For me. Shit, I just said my life. Yeah, no,92000:45:31.130 --> 00:45:32.849



there are times when I get that one. I'm like,92100:45:32.869 --> 00:45:36.269



wait a second, I don't read a book. I don't92200:45:36.289 --> 00:45:38.780



even like the web, so. I'm like, I don't need92300:45:38.840 --> 00:45:41.119



a harness. It's actually okay. And then I'll go back92400:45:41.179 --> 00:45:43.699



and read my message and see. Because I'm always worried92500:45:43.719 --> 00:45:47.960



about taking other people down. Like I said, I want92600:45:48.000 --> 00:45:50.639



to eat with the time of Brett. And he liked92700:45:50.679 --> 00:45:53.949



the analogy I gave you of driving down my hybrid.92800:45:54.210 --> 00:45:57.409



You know, someone has a good message. They recently got92900:45:57.469 --> 00:45:59.610



near you. And their average height is into the world93000:45:59.650 --> 00:46:01.150



that they got near you. And you're on the height93100:46:01.210 --> 00:46:03.269



and you see that. You're like, oh, wow, good for them.93200:46:03.670 --> 00:46:05.230



You know, I want to be able to talk about93300:46:05.289 --> 00:46:07.860



Brett's good times where it's like, oh, wow, we're being93400:46:07.940 --> 00:46:09.960



out of the area. You know, like she be. Party93500:46:09.980 --> 00:46:10.539



bogey hug.93600:46:10.579 --> 00:46:10.800



Yeah.93700:46:10.820 --> 00:46:12.380



Like, but that's it. That's it.93800:46:12.849 --> 00:46:14.889



But the flip side of that is that it would93900:46:14.909 --> 00:46:20.130



be nice if people remember your anniversaries. So in those moments,94000:46:20.170 --> 00:46:23.269



it would be nice for that. But don't pity me94100:46:23.329 --> 00:46:26.530



because someone else is. Or remembering that.94200:46:27.150 --> 00:46:31.429



Like, for years, people reached out on my anniversary. I94300:46:31.530 --> 00:46:35.420



had them hand out one. I got a couple pieces94400:46:35.500 --> 00:46:41.679



of women. And actually, it was sweet that people wanted it.94500:46:42.250 --> 00:46:45.429



And we reached out. I didn't know very well who94600:46:45.449 --> 00:46:48.610



did you remember. But the ones who did.94700:46:48.670 --> 00:46:50.989



Yeah, it's not like it's a dig on the relationship.94800:46:51.010 --> 00:46:55.699



But it's more. It's the ones who did that they helped. Yeah.94900:46:55.929 --> 00:47:00.860



Especially those who dropped out of a group text.95000:47:01.699 --> 00:47:02.739



I want the private one.95100:47:03.019 --> 00:47:07.079



I don't want the public one. And I trained you95200:47:07.099 --> 00:47:10.260



that with Sigal too. Occasionally it's the good thing for95300:47:10.739 --> 00:47:13.719



I'd like to help out or do a biopsy because95400:47:13.739 --> 00:47:15.699



I want you to know that it's like, I'm not95500:47:15.719 --> 00:47:16.460



just thinking about.95600:47:16.340 --> 00:47:19.510



You because the group said, you know.95700:47:20.030 --> 00:47:24.849



And, you know, everybody has a different scene around them95800:47:24.889 --> 00:47:27.769



or whatever. You know, maybe there's people who want other95900:47:27.829 --> 00:47:30.550



people to see how many people are screaming for you.96000:47:31.170 --> 00:47:34.670



Maybe there's somebody single. To me, I don't care how many.96100:47:34.309 --> 00:47:36.489



People lighten my coast about Tristan.96200:47:37.210 --> 00:47:39.909



I care about the movie. You are actually reaching out96300:47:39.949 --> 00:47:40.230



to me.96400:47:40.969 --> 00:47:44.360



Harville, yeah. And so, like, I have one friend, his.96500:47:44.239 --> 00:47:46.460



Birthday and Trista's birthday are a day apart, so when96600:47:46.500 --> 00:47:48.599



we lived in Austin, they used to kind of acknowledge96700:47:48.639 --> 00:47:51.079



it together. He always, he's always.96800:47:50.840 --> 00:47:51.980



Messaging out Trista's birthday.96900:47:53.300 --> 00:47:55.380



And, you know, his birthday, Trista's birthday is the day97000:47:55.400 --> 00:48:00.340



before his, so it'll help me never forget his, because97100:48:00.360 --> 00:48:05.000



we don't rank. Yeah. But, you know, it's something like that. Like,97200:48:05.219 --> 00:48:07.519



that was in him and Trista's thing, but I'm excluded97300:48:07.579 --> 00:48:09.960



in that. And so I get the message now.97400:48:10.179 --> 00:48:16.880



Yeah. And I'm like, ah. Yeah. This is good.97500:48:18.460 --> 00:48:22.940



But in terms of our resort time, and I like97600:48:22.960 --> 00:48:24.739



that we did a resort time because it was like97700:48:24.900 --> 00:48:26.360



a regular.97800:48:25.860 --> 00:48:28.340



Hotel address having my things to do.97900:48:28.360 --> 00:48:31.079



You were the sort of decisions you need to be making.98000:48:31.119 --> 00:48:34.539



We ain't going to do shit. We can go eat98100:48:34.559 --> 00:48:36.519



if we want. We can go to the beach if98200:48:36.559 --> 00:48:36.980



we want.98300:48:38.250 --> 00:48:44.489



Loaded all day yesterday. And I don't feel pressure to98400:48:45.429 --> 00:48:48.269



do anything. I don't feel pressure to entertain you.98500:48:48.510 --> 00:48:49.869



I don't feel like, yeah, I don't feel like I98600:48:49.909 --> 00:48:50.739



entertain you.98700:48:52.489 --> 00:48:55.469



I'm assuming there are people that I would feel like98800:48:55.489 --> 00:49:01.309



that for. But like, I think you and I even98900:49:01.449 --> 00:49:04.269



side-by-side had antipodes on maybe. Even.99000:49:04.789 --> 00:49:10.469



And in our bed, like in our separate beds and Yeah.99100:49:11.389 --> 00:49:11.889



Good thought.99200:49:12.340 --> 00:49:14.900



Yeah. And it's not like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm going99300:49:14.940 --> 00:49:18.929



to do that. There's no, we're not mentioning it, but99400:49:18.969 --> 00:49:19.949



we're also not apologizing.99500:49:20.170 --> 00:49:26.000



That's true. And for me, that's a freaking we.99600:49:26.460 --> 00:49:28.739



Because I don't want to always, I don't want to have.99700:49:28.639 --> 00:49:30.719



To remove you, but in that I need to remove99800:49:30.800 --> 00:49:31.739



a sad experience.99900:49:32.889 --> 00:49:35.739



Yeah i don't say pardon me um about to go100000:49:35.800 --> 00:49:38.739



yeah because i had that like i was at the100100:49:38.760 --> 00:49:41.460



breakfast of adam motel with jason and flair.100200:49:41.260 --> 00:49:44.840



Lower and and and at first we were reminiscing and100300:49:44.860 --> 00:49:48.670



stuff and like kind of talking shit about like just100400:49:48.690 --> 00:49:50.230



another thing like that in a way that many like100500:49:50.670 --> 00:49:53.670



old-ass friends call shit and we're doing that and at100600:49:53.710 --> 00:49:55.269



first it was great and i was laughing all of100700:49:55.289 --> 00:49:56.809



a sudden i'm like oh shit i gotta go and100800:49:56.829 --> 00:50:00.789



i just like ran upstairs it's And I assumed they'd100900:50:00.849 --> 00:50:02.070



get the restaurant.101000:50:01.650 --> 00:50:03.769



To let me have my touch or whatever.101100:50:03.789 --> 00:50:05.389



And then I tried to sink out of it all101200:50:05.429 --> 00:50:05.849



big and bad.101300:50:05.869 --> 00:50:08.159



And I calmed down and I went back downstairs. Like,101400:50:08.780 --> 00:50:10.900



there's a lot of that whole shit. And they ended101500:50:10.960 --> 00:50:14.059



up coming up at that point. And I didn't have101600:50:14.099 --> 00:50:15.460



a big breakdown there.101700:50:16.340 --> 00:50:21.309



And, I mean, at least those were two people that101800:50:21.349 --> 00:50:23.309



I trusted and was calm.101900:50:23.650 --> 00:50:27.900



When I go bad, then I, you know, Right on there.102000:50:28.079 --> 00:50:28.639



Right on there.102100:50:28.679 --> 00:50:34.800



But, like, for the most part, if it hits and102200:50:34.820 --> 00:50:36.400



I walk away, I want to be able to not102300:50:36.460 --> 00:50:37.079



acknowledge it.102400:50:37.260 --> 00:50:39.900



And the people just go ahead and know that that.102500:50:39.840 --> 00:50:40.920



Needs to be held on.102600:50:41.519 --> 00:50:44.019



And I don't know, because I have been around people,102700:50:44.159 --> 00:50:46.670



I don't know if I have that anniversary.102800:50:47.389 --> 00:50:52.250



But you and I are not there. Because we know102900:50:52.269 --> 00:50:56.429



what God is saying. Because we're going to need to103000:50:56.489 --> 00:51:01.369



do it. Five minutes. And I've gotten in here. Like, again,103100:51:01.429 --> 00:51:04.170



the last time I was in the geese was the breads.103200:51:04.750 --> 00:51:06.769



And so when I go back to a place and103300:51:06.809 --> 00:51:10.639



they got to the end, I'm reclaiming it as my experience. Like,103400:51:10.679 --> 00:51:14.059



this is now my last experience here versus the one103500:51:14.099 --> 00:51:18.039



that we have before. I tend to think a deep adventure.103600:51:18.079 --> 00:51:20.280



Like I said, I saw a pack of birds yesterday.103700:51:20.380 --> 00:51:22.760



I'm like, oh, we would have had a good time103800:51:22.880 --> 00:51:26.199



noticing these birds. See, it's one of those stories with that.103900:51:27.349 --> 00:51:28.909



The same nature in general.104000:51:29.170 --> 00:51:32.469



Even yesterday when I swam out to do a little104100:51:32.489 --> 00:51:34.449



bit of ashes, and I haven't done a swim out.104200:51:34.590 --> 00:51:38.289



I've sprinkled ashes over water, but I actually swam out104300:51:38.329 --> 00:51:38.869



to do it.104400:51:39.369 --> 00:51:42.489



And you were there witnessing it, but you just have to, like,104500:51:43.690 --> 00:51:44.409



hover over here.104600:51:44.429 --> 00:51:45.889



You let me have a moment.104700:51:46.929 --> 00:51:50.860



So this was a different asher experience than I've had before.104800:51:50.880 --> 00:51:59.239



I could have been with people only chasing me. And104900:51:59.300 --> 00:52:02.059



so other people I haven't been with ever. I mean,105000:52:02.119 --> 00:52:04.840



the strangers have been airing me on the live version.105100:52:05.380 --> 00:52:05.880



Yeah.105200:52:05.960 --> 00:52:10.070



So, and even when we did it, it had been105300:52:10.510 --> 00:52:13.469



at the beach by Jason's. Like, they'd stay back and105400:52:13.510 --> 00:52:14.789



they'd walk up and do it.105500:52:14.869 --> 00:52:16.309



But, I don't know.105600:52:17.150 --> 00:52:18.989



You know, it's a weird kind of comfort. It's like,105700:52:19.010 --> 00:52:21.309



you're there, but you're not there. And I could still105800:52:21.349 --> 00:52:25.630



have my own class. And I was shocked that it was,105900:52:27.489 --> 00:52:29.130



So stupid to say this. I was shocked that I106000:52:29.170 --> 00:52:33.110



got emotional. Because I've been doing some fun provocations, everyone.106100:52:34.789 --> 00:52:41.909



Some reason. And enough. Well, now we've blown down memories106200:52:41.989 --> 00:52:43.929



of our fellas in the caves. Yeah.106300:52:45.070 --> 00:52:47.739



Assuming everyone was supposed to have a UAB trip.106400:52:48.340 --> 00:52:50.340



We were supposed to have a UAB trip.106500:52:50.380 --> 00:52:51.780



But it was going to be something like this.106600:52:51.800 --> 00:52:53.360



It was going to be water. I forget we were106700:52:53.380 --> 00:52:55.840



supposed to have a UAB trip. I just remembered it.106800:52:56.610 --> 00:52:58.300



Literally right now, while we're sitting here, it's all day.106900:52:58.309 --> 00:53:00.690



We're going to have our third U of B trip.107000:53:00.989 --> 00:53:03.489



And it was going to be watery. We talked about.107100:53:03.510 --> 00:53:06.010



Because we had to get our boxes right for the beach.107200:53:07.280 --> 00:53:12.019



And I bought it. Here we are. In our full brief. But, yeah.107300:53:12.079 --> 00:53:14.239



I'm like, right now, I just thought about, oh, we107400:53:14.300 --> 00:53:16.440



finally took that trip. We were talking about Patricia Newland.107500:53:16.460 --> 00:53:17.360



We were talking about.107600:53:17.179 --> 00:53:18.980



Doing a trip. He was like, why can't I go?107700:53:19.019 --> 00:53:21.219



I go everywhere with you. And I was like, is107800:53:21.239 --> 00:53:26.050



this in the Monash area? That's a hot dog. We107900:53:26.090 --> 00:53:30.760



did it. It's probably years later. Years later.108000:53:30.780 --> 00:53:34.690



I mean, Tethon, the last five years that we haven't108100:53:34.710 --> 00:53:36.690



seen each other, but I was in LA when we108200:53:36.710 --> 00:53:39.969



were talking about doing that trip, so it's potentially between108300:53:40.010 --> 00:53:42.550



five and ten years that we would have.108400:53:42.570 --> 00:53:45.280



That would have been a problem to us, actually. But108500:53:45.320 --> 00:53:48.719



you never know. We did it time. I mean, it108600:53:48.739 --> 00:53:52.119



took our asses. I know. I hate our circumstance. Circumstance108700:53:52.179 --> 00:53:55.440



to shit. But yeah. But guess what we did, though?108800:53:56.150 --> 00:53:59.050



You did it. We did it. It was a good time.108900:53:59.210 --> 00:54:03.159



It's good. It's slow, mellow. It's slow, mellow. People have109000:54:03.199 --> 00:54:05.820



been brave. And I don't think.109100:54:07.260 --> 00:54:09.219



Okay, so this is a resort, so we could be109200:54:09.300 --> 00:54:10.679



contained if you just slow us.109300:54:11.199 --> 00:54:15.719



I don't think necessarily because there isn't a resort where109400:54:15.739 --> 00:54:16.480



that would fit me.109500:54:16.500 --> 00:54:18.260



But he said that we're like, we're going to do109600:54:18.280 --> 00:54:19.300



something every day.109700:54:19.380 --> 00:54:21.559



I think it's so... I think it's a good thing109800:54:21.619 --> 00:54:24.360



for us. Be chill and young. Find a way.109900:54:24.659 --> 00:54:27.019



Even if we're in a chaotic place, which it ought110000:54:27.039 --> 00:54:29.480



to be, the next place we talk about going is110100:54:29.500 --> 00:54:31.840



going to be far more chaotic.110200:54:31.880 --> 00:54:36.199



We are. You shall be able to see how slowly110300:54:36.219 --> 00:54:39.139



we go there. Slowly go. Because you know what?110400:54:39.239 --> 00:54:44.610



If I tap out, It is almost immediate where I'm like, oh,110500:54:44.670 --> 00:54:45.050



you know what?110600:54:45.190 --> 00:54:47.440



That was it. I'm going to go back to the hotel, please.110700:54:47.539 --> 00:54:51.219



Somebody said that because it is immediate. It's not, oh,110800:54:51.340 --> 00:54:53.380



in 35, 35 minutes. If we're like, okay, in the110900:54:53.420 --> 00:54:55.659



next 10 minutes, I need to be where I want111000:54:55.679 --> 00:54:55.940



to be.111100:54:56.119 --> 00:54:59.260



If I do grant you like a, I got about111200:54:59.260 --> 00:55:01.789



21 minutes for this or something like that.111300:55:02.269 --> 00:55:04.730



I'm already there. And I was trying to be a111400:55:04.769 --> 00:55:05.530



people pleaser.111500:55:05.690 --> 00:55:06.409



Yeah. But.111600:55:07.010 --> 00:55:09.690



But if I hid that girl from 20 minutes, it's111700:55:09.710 --> 00:55:12.190



going to be, I can't see you now. She's going111800:55:12.210 --> 00:55:13.969



to have to get all dirty.111900:55:15.050 --> 00:55:16.929



But even if it means, like, go out and be easy,112000:55:17.250 --> 00:55:20.670



that kind of thing, I realized I have no warning112100:55:22.030 --> 00:55:24.289



when I need to tap out. I didn't tap out.112200:55:24.349 --> 00:55:27.110



It kind of happened yesterday if I didn't. Because I112300:55:27.130 --> 00:55:29.789



did have to pee, but my headache hurt. And just112400:55:29.869 --> 00:55:32.449



looking at that murder is making me feel sick. So112500:55:32.530 --> 00:55:33.389



I was like, I got to go.112600:55:34.010 --> 00:55:36.809



And I wasn't going to go. And then you were like,112700:55:37.429 --> 00:55:39.989



I can close it out. And so I was like, okay.112800:55:40.010 --> 00:55:42.070



And that's just me reading the room, though, which is112900:55:42.150 --> 00:55:45.170



I think the care that sometimes people need. Like, we113000:55:45.190 --> 00:55:47.260



don't have to do this traditional.113100:55:47.519 --> 00:55:47.739



Yeah.113200:55:48.000 --> 00:55:51.039



Well, we both stay until the church comes and all113300:55:51.059 --> 00:55:53.179



of that. We're at the resort. So guess what? They113400:55:53.219 --> 00:55:54.960



know where to find us. I know where to find you.113500:55:55.519 --> 00:55:58.860



The interesting thing will be, and it's something we get113600:55:58.880 --> 00:56:02.050



done when I talk about off-camera, is if we're out113700:56:02.110 --> 00:56:05.550



in the chaotic lights and one of my steaks tap out,113800:56:06.650 --> 00:56:09.570



It could still be we go batting together, but it.113900:56:11.190 --> 00:56:13.869



Could still be once we get back.114000:56:14.429 --> 00:56:17.510



If one of us doesn't want to be out on114100:56:17.530 --> 00:56:19.289



the street by ourselves or something like that, it can114200:56:19.349 --> 00:56:22.300



still turn into something like that. But there should be,114300:56:22.320 --> 00:56:24.440



maybe we should have a cold word.114400:56:24.860 --> 00:56:28.219



I think that would be healthy. Yeah. It's like to114500:56:28.260 --> 00:56:30.159



meet it instead of letting it heat.114600:56:30.340 --> 00:56:33.440



So then that ends up being accidentally resentment because.114700:56:33.159 --> 00:56:34.059



Like, oh, you know, always.114800:56:35.360 --> 00:56:38.010



I'm like, yeah, I get droppies at some point.114900:56:38.179 --> 00:56:40.469



I should, and now when I'm droppies, so I shouldn't115000:56:40.510 --> 00:56:43.449



get my droppies.115100:56:44.190 --> 00:56:46.050



Like you said, if you go in and people please115200:56:46.110 --> 00:56:49.130



and look like, okay, the biggest person, all of a115300:56:49.150 --> 00:56:51.829



sudden people curse with these or two, this hat. And115400:56:51.929 --> 00:56:55.429



I don't want to go in and curse, and it's115500:56:55.489 --> 00:57:00.469



not my person, you know, so why suffer? You know,115600:57:00.670 --> 00:57:03.530



there can be a word or a phrase, you know,115700:57:03.820 --> 00:57:07.929



wild widow out. it's for however but i think it's115800:57:07.969 --> 00:57:11.360



healthy to do that i've gotten that advice a therapy115900:57:11.389 --> 00:57:15.719



for other situations that might get me overstimulated you know116000:57:15.820 --> 00:57:18.719



to just plan for that like have your exits have116100:57:18.760 --> 00:57:23.760



your house and and giving yourself the space to tell116200:57:23.860 --> 00:57:27.199



whoever it is you're traveling like i might need it116300:57:27.260 --> 00:57:30.000



if i do it something personal but how can i116400:57:30.039 --> 00:57:32.679



let me know that without a Did he, you know,116500:57:32.739 --> 00:57:34.880



hug hardy low G? Oh, now we're saying it's his116600:57:35.019 --> 00:57:38.219



first day. But it's just like, boom. It's just like116700:57:38.260 --> 00:57:41.860



we just saw the car swerving, kind of. Yeah.116800:57:41.920 --> 00:57:42.139



Right?116900:57:42.460 --> 00:57:44.460



It's like a little concerned, but I'm not going to117000:57:44.480 --> 00:57:47.480



stop people lowering. Let it happen, yeah.117100:57:48.000 --> 00:57:50.360



I think that would be, if there's a future where117200:57:50.380 --> 00:57:52.440



you and I travel together a lot, I.117300:57:52.400 --> 00:57:53.119



Think that.117400:57:54.739 --> 00:57:58.550



Would work really well because we have the same consideration. But,117500:57:58.679 --> 00:58:00.690



and we end up being around people in our flight117600:58:00.710 --> 00:58:01.489



and our situations.117700:58:02.329 --> 00:58:06.070



You can live. Educating them. This is a big card.117800:58:06.090 --> 00:58:09.730



Being a breathing person, you have to educate everybody. Yeah, no.117900:58:09.750 --> 00:58:12.090



It's been nice. It's been nice. Alright, let's go. Let's118000:58:12.110 --> 00:58:14.440



go do an activity. And we'll see you next. Well,118100:58:14.460 --> 00:58:17.300



now that's our show. Around here, we know grief is118200:58:17.320 --> 00:58:34.449



a lot like laundering. You don't finish it. You just118300:58:34.489 --> 00:58:37.809



keep finding more of it. Some days you fold it,118400:58:38.269 --> 00:58:41.250



and some days it folds you. But the bills still118500:58:41.269 --> 00:58:46.420



need paying, those dishes still need washing, and somehow tomorrow118600:58:46.480 --> 00:58:50.099



still expects us to show up. But that's all right.118700:58:51.280 --> 00:58:56.039



We'll keep connecting the dots. We'll keep carrying both the118800:58:56.099 --> 00:59:00.139



grief and the joy. This is Stay at Home Widow.118900:59:00.719 --> 00:59:03.940



Navigating the Fuckery of Grief, One Load at a Time.119000:59:04.719 --> 00:59:08.190



Join us on the first Wednesday of every month. And119100:59:08.210 --> 00:59:10.710



until then, be gentle. with yourself.